


Thank You For Hesitating

by immortalbookworm



Category: Geunyeoneun Yebbeossda, She Was Pretty, 그녀는 예뻤다
Genre: Alternate Ending, Eating Disorders, F/M, Fix-It, Friends to Lovers, Jackson Couple, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-13
Updated: 2017-07-13
Packaged: 2018-11-22 14:25:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 55,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11382045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/immortalbookworm/pseuds/immortalbookworm
Summary: Set immediately following the events of episode 12 of SWP, Hye Jin has made her relationship with Seong Joon official and she and Shin Hyeok have independently made the decision to try and stay away from each other. But Seong Joon is keeping secrets and in the face of Most’s discontinuation his health starts again to deteriorate. While Shin Hyeok and Ha Ri turn their friendship into a means of coping with their one-sided loves, Hye Jin is coming to realize when it comes to love, sometimes the heart contradicts the head.





	1. Well Enough Alone

Kim Hye Jin had begun to find herself waking up at odd hours of the night with that idiot reporter’s smile in her head like an unlooked-for sunrise. Suddenly wide awake, she would tell herself that she was thirsty and stumble out into the kitchen, pour herself a glass of room temp water from the pitcher and swish it around in the glass, craning her neck to look out the window above the sink until her feet grew icy and her shoulders stiff. Only when it was painful to keep standing like that would she retreat back to her bed, usually leaving behind her water glass emptied only by a couple of sips.

Shin Hyeok…Editor Kim of Most, crazy man of their office, and surprisingly competent feature writer…that Kim Shin Hyeok who called her Jackson and never gave her a moment’s peace. To Hye Jin he was like a lame joke that somehow lodged itself in her brain, making her smile at odd hours of the day, although she would claim that nothing was funny. Wild, infuriating, uninhibited Shin Hyeok, who as she’s recently come to find out, liked her. Not just as a friend. Not as his dongsaeng. But really liked her, as a woman, and wanted her to see him as a man.

_Wasn’t this exactly like one of his unfunny jokes? Now I’m even letting him tease me in my sleep._

Now she was awake again. Before Ha Ri, before the sun, before there was anything worth looking at on TV, and she had the aching suspicion that she wasn’t going to be able to roll over and fall back to sleep this time. She slipped into her ratty old hoodie with the pockets and a pair of fuzzy slippers and shuffled her way out to the living room couch.

Without turning on any of the lights she tucked her legs under herself and gazed at the place on the wall where the yellow of the streetlights was beginning the transition into the blue light of early dawn.

Certainly, it could be said…no, no one could deny that she was in a relationship with Seong Joon. He had held her and told her he liked her. He had kissed her on a hospital bed and promised not to hold himself back anymore. So what reason did she have to be awake in the middle of the night? She should be sleeping like a baby. After all, the person she likes liked her back. She could be at ease now. Isn’t that how this was supposed to work?

_It’s because of the magazine, and the fact that Seong Joon never seems to look stronger, although he’s out of the hospital now. It’s because he doesn’t eat well enough. And because he’s hurting, I’m hurting too. This is normal when you’re in love._

She told herself this, in clear, unequivocal language that her foolish brain couldn’t misunderstand, but the words in her head didn’t ring true in her heart. She would believe herself when the sun finished rising, but at four in the morning she felt herself a liar.

She thought that it had all started outside the hospital that night, when Shin Hyeok had appeared, knight-like, in his friend’s cherry red sports car and driven her to where Seong Joon was waiting. Even half-crazed with panic she’d felt a pang when she saw him round the corner and yell at her to get in the car. If she hadn’t been in such a state she would have insisted on getting a cab instead. She wished to god she hadn’t accepted his help. This feeling of uneasiness in the pit of her stomach was guilt. She was certain she wouldn’t feel so awful right now if she hadn’t let him deliver her to his rival.

“How does he make me feel so sorry?” She wondered, this time aloud.

She shifted in her place as her toes started to fall asleep beneath her. Perhaps it was the grace with which he had told her to go, earnest pain in his eyes but habitual smile on his lips. That had made her waver. She hated herself for wavering there, at that place, of all moments. Wavering was the worst thing she could have done to either of them. It must have confused him into thinking maybe he had a chance. Worse than that, it had confused her, at least for the space of a heartbeat, into second guessing her decision to go to Seong Joon’s side.

He had thanked her when he let her go. Thanked her for hesitating, shoving his hands back into his pockets so she couldn’t see the result of the coin flip and had to take his word for the result. _I should have insisted on looking._ She thought, _then I wouldn’t have this feeling of incompleteness. Had I really ended it right there, I wouldn’t be tormenting myself with this in the dark._

But, in reality, she didn’t know if that was true. Even if he had showed her the coin, could she have told if it was heads or tails? She wasn’t sure she knew which was which anymore. Any more than her heart knew the difference between an X or an O at this uncertain time of the morning, when everything seemed like either a riddle or a secret and Hye Jin found even her simple self to be a bit of a mystery.

How had that man gotten her so muddled?

When the room started to pinken with the dawn light, though, and as the apartment grew warmer, her doubts began to recede into the back of her mind, where they would slumber at least until very early the next morning. She could ignore them for now. She went into her bedroom and picked out the day’s clothes from among her crisp new outfits, and heard her phone buzz on her nightstand, receiving a text.

The message was from the Deputy Editor. _Hye Jin-ah, did you sleep well?_ A wave of giddiness swept through her, completing her transformation into the confident, Most-like Hye Jin of the morning. Nothing like that uncertain predawn girl who didn’t know her own heart. Was it strange that she still had him in her phone under his title? Should she change it now, or would that be too obvious? She responded back immediately. _Very well, you?_ And then practically skipped across the hallway to claim the shower first, emptying her thoughts of any troubles beside how she wanted her boyfriend’s name to appear on her phone when he called her.

________________________________________

She entered the office and settled into her desk to begin work on a translation Editor Cha had left on her keyboard, and just as she had suspected she would, the moment she saw Shin Hyeok’s face she wondered how she could ever have thought of this man as a source of romantic confusion.

He was as ridiculous as ever. Before she had even had a chance to pull the resources she needed up on the screen she heard the rattling wheels of a rolling chair and heard an urgent whispered “Jackson!” next to her ear. She suppressed the urge to jump.

“Do you want to play with me tonight? Udon? Coffee? Soju?” She turned her head slightly to take in his broad grin inches away from her face.

“Don’t you ever have anything better to do than try to mooch off me?”

He looked up and tapped his chin in an exaggerated contemplative posture and then grinned broadly again and shook his head, “Handsome and intelligent persons like myself always have things they can do at night, but never anything better than eating with Jackson.”

She felt a bud of annoyance forming in her chest, and she tried to suppress the desire to snap at him. “I’m sorry, Editor Kim, I promised to have dinner with the Deputy Editor tonight.”

Shin Hyeok let out a long “Oh” of comprehension, and then in a stage whisper. “Eating with the boyfriend. I understand now. Okay, okay” He gestured at her, making circles of both his thumbs and forefingers as he said “okay”. He smiled too, all dimples and five o’clock shadow, but somehow the expression didn’t reach his eyes, which seemed strangely empty.

That bud of annoyance suddenly dropped into Hye Jin’s stomach and she felt sorry again.

Without further comment Shin Hyeok rolled his way back to his desk to see to his work, making popping noises as he went.

_He’s fine. He seems totally fine. I was just imagining that thing about his eyes._

She tried to get absorbed in her translation, but she found her gaze flickering over her shoulder half expecting Shin Hyeok to reappear beside her, but he didn’t. She clicked her teeth nervously, which gained her a sour look from one of the girls from the Beauty Team.

After she had translated the same line three times in a row into her transcript, she sighed heavily and kicked herself backwards, rolling her own chair into Shin Hyeok’s desk with a bang.

He let out a plaintive, “That startled me!” but gave no sign that it actually had and just looked at her expectantly.

“I promise I will eat with you some other time. My schedule has been very full lately but…If you like I could set up something with one of my friends…I could give you her number and…”

Shin Hyeok looked momentarily taken aback, but his expression quickly morphed back to a wild amusement. “My dongsaeng has herself a boyfriend, now she’s trying to pair off everyone else in the world.”

She shushed him sharply and looked around to see if anyone had heard him spouting off about a boyfriend, but no one seemed to pay any attention to the two of them anymore. They were always up to antics of some sort. “That’s not it.” She whispered at him. “It’s just that I feel bad to cancel on you, and if you’re going to be lying about the house anyway…”

He put his finger against her lips to silence her and she squeaked slightly at the sudden contact and stopped talking. In a more serious tone than he’d taken with her up to then he said, “You don’t need to set up blind dates for me. You don’t have anything to feel bad about. I’m still Jackson’s Orabeoni, even if she doesn’t have time. If the Deputy Editor” he mouthed the title rather than saying it out loud, “can eat with you tonight, that’s good. I hope he can soften those worry lines around your eyes. Ever since he got sick they’ve grown frightening. Now stop fretting over me, don’t you see I’m very busy with important things?” He waved her off with a wink.

Hye Jin gently probed beneath her eyes as though she could feel the wrinkles he was referring too, and kept examining Shin Hyeok’s expression. He just smiled at her, gently. Was he really okay? Maybe he was already getting over her, after all. He didn’t seem like someone prone to pining.

“Where is our fearless leader, anyway?” He said quickly, now at full volume.

Hye Jin shook herself and prepared to roll back to her desk, “He had a follow up appointment this morning. He’ll be here soon.”

When she got back to her place she pulled her phone cautiously out of her pocket and checked for new messages. Since she’d returned his good morning before her shower she’d gotten nothing back from him. She tried to quell a rising anxiety and focus on her work.

________________________________________

Shin Hyeok was very good at any number of things, but one thing he’d never had the knack for even since he was a child, was leaving something—or someone—alone when it interested him. Whether that interest qualified as idol curiosity, well-meaning attentiveness, or something like attraction he had very little practice at leaving well enough alone. But it was a skill he was trying to acquire. A survival instinct, in fact, necessary to navigate the emotional quagmire his once cozy desk job at Most had turned into, ever since his confession.

All he wanted to do was sweep Jackson away from the office and into some kind of wild misadventure, where she could try to smack him and laugh at him for a fool, but at least she would be laughing. If he could have done exactly as he wanted to, he would have made her forget her worries, at least for a little while.

But he was beginning to find that when it came to Kim Hye Jin, even what he meant as mild teasing was coming out of him as self-serving vying for her attention, the desperate behaviors of a jealous man. He had been rejected, and he was committed to accepting her decision regardless of how he felt. He had resorted to all but actually sitting on his hands to avoid doing something that would make this harder for her. She was so soft-hearted—with everyone not just with him—that he could easily end up tormenting her if he wasn’t careful.

The hours ticked by and Seong Joon still didn’t appear, with no explanation to either Cha-sunbae or, apparently, Hye Jin. The effort she was expending to remain upbeat and positive as the day wore on was becoming increasingly difficult to watch. Shin Hyeok wasn’t sure if Hye Jin was even aware of how hard she was trying. She would pause frequently and look to the sliding door, though no one would enter, or try to sneak a peek at her cellphone, her expression showing that she had received no new information. And as for himself, Shin Hyeok found his attention drawn constantly back to her position in the room, he watched her with knitted brows.

When it was time for the daily staff meeting Seong Joon still hadn’t called or shown himself, and Hye Jin’s agitation become visible enough that even the self-absorbed Han Seol asked her if she was feeling alright. She only shook her head and said she was fine.

Shin Hyeok took turns with Editor Cha trying to fill the long silences and bring energy into the meeting, though clearly the staff of Most wasn’t having any of it. Whatever was going on with the Deputy Editor, everyone else was picking up on the sense of uncertainty. The meeting turned into a wheel spinning exercise. Seong Joon’s steely presence and his metallic egg-timer of doom were sorely missed for giving the group a sense of direction and urgency. Shin Hyeok may have been able to save the whole affair, been more a leader and less a clown, but he was distracted by Jackson’s hang-dog expression.

Finally, after everyone had returned to their desks to continue their work on the 20th Anniversary edition, Seong Joon strode though the sliding doors, tablet in front of his nose, feverishly reading and not noticing the quiet greeting from the staff. He paused on his way to his office and offered a terse apology for his lateness, but no explanation for where he had been.

Jackson practically launched herself out of her seat and followed him into his office. No one seemed to notice the strangeness of the whole situation except for Shin Hyeok, who gripped the armrests of his chair tensely and tried to read the atmosphere between the lovers.

Her body language was tentative, solicitous. Seong Joon stood erect, almost rigid, although he looked drawn and paler than when Shin Hyeok had seen him last. Before he could get a read their interaction, Seong Joon lifted his remote and shut the blinds on them.

With an effort Shin Hyeok faced his chair forward and continued to work on his article. He didn’t let himself turn around when Hye Jin came unsteadily out of the Deputy Editor’s office and sat back down at her desk. An hour later when he thought of an amusing observation about Poong Ho’s backscratcher to make her smile, he resisted the urge to roll his chair toward her and whisper confidentially about it. And then he pretended not to notice with she asked Cha-sunbae if she could go home an hour early—she wasn’t feeling well—and packed up her things and left without saying goodbye to him.

It wasn’t his business what was going on with her. If there was trouble with Seong Joon it wasn’t his place to ask. This was what it meant to leave well enough alone.

He rolled the phrase around in his head. He liked it. There was a special significance to the words, like a mantra he could grasp on to.  
He could leave well enough alone, if he tried.

As long as Hye Jin was well, that was enough. As long as she was okay, he could be alone.

That was what he would keep telling himself until it was true.


	2. The Support Group

“How does flesh and blood compete with the rosy tinge of recollection? How does a person compete with a memory?”

Chapter 3, paragraph 12, lines 1 and 2 of Ten’s newest novel read like that. That was the moment that the protagonist of his book, fittingly entitled Memory, came to the realization that he was only a bit player in the drama of his own life.

After finishing at the office Shin Hyeok had returned to his hotel directly. He was sitting on the couch in his suite, papers spread out on the glass topped coffee table before him, notes and fragmented scenes from about a dozen different ideas he was weighing against one another, preparing to start his next project. In his hands he had the preliminary copy of _Memory_ and he was perusing it, looking for errors.

The more he read of his recent work, the more of Jackson he found. So much so that it shocked him. Almost three months previous he had been making changes to an early draft of his manuscript before sending it to his editor for publication. As Ten, he was meticulous in his work, and required very little revision. His publishers trusted him implicitly, because his reputation for being a perfectionist who never missed a deadline was second only to his reputation for being reclusive to a sensational degree.

The day he began his final draft of _Memory_ , although his working title had been different at that time, was the same day Jackson, aka Kim Hye Jin, had come to work at The Most Korea. And it seemed, now that he had gotten some distance, that as his acquaintance with Jackson had changed him, he had also changed the theme, the very reason for his new novel. Perhaps no one else would have noticed the difference, but he could see it. It read like something else now. Like a love letter perhaps? Sent but never opened.

Of course, nobody at Most knew that Shin Hyeok was Ten, or that he was about to begin what would be his 5th major novel. Only his publisher knew. He liked it that way. Living merely as Kim Shin Hyeok was simpler, and he liked simplicity. He also liked fun, and there was no fun in being treated like a famous writer.

When people knew you were famous they treated you differently, walking on eggshells around you, looking at you seriously like some kind of authority on the world and how it works. He preferred to keep all his seriousness tucked away into Ten. As Ten he could plumb the depths of the human experience, examine emotion, examine pain, joy, love and loss from safely behind the one-way mirror of the artist. Ten was his interior, observational self. But Ten was too tiresome a personality to wear every single day.

From the outside he was the crazy, carefree, idiotic Feature Editor Kim Shin Hyeok. Being taken for an idiot was like a game to him. As someone of no consequence he was ideally placed to study the people around him and precisely recreate the details of their lives. No one bothered about him, or cared what he thought of them. Nobody tried to impress him or behave other than they naturally desired to behave. He was just that crazy idiot reporter. Easily liked, just as easily dismissed, all by design.

Now that had all changed because of Jackson. One day—he remembered the exact day, the very moment—he’d stopped being content with spectating. Being taken for an idiot and recording the mundane adventures of other people’s lives had lost its charm for him. He wanted to be noticed now, to take on the role of the hero instead of the narrator. But this was turning out to be a task that was beyond him.

He was born to be the comrade, the chorus, the clown. He wasn’t cut out for a leading role, and the spotlight fled from him.

Lost in the mire of his own thoughts he let out a precipitous sigh. He’d been staring at the same page for a solid fifteen minutes without comprehending what he was looking at. He jammed his thumb between the pages and let his arms drop, rolling his eyes up to the ceiling in frustration. How did a person compete with a memory? He examined the question again. In a book it was easy. In a book he could have the girl notice the hero with a pen stroke. In a book he could always have a happy ending when a happy ending was called for. That was the fun of it, and he only ever wrote what was fun.

But real life couldn’t be fun all the time.

And love, as it turned out, could hurt like a son of a bitch.

In his pocket his phone buzzed. He fished it out and looked at the screen, tossing his book onto the couch cushion beside him with his other hand. The message was from Hye Jin—although of course she was saved in his phone as Jackson—and it began and ended with the same broadly grinning emoji, as though to make what was written between seem more acceptable. It read: _I want to set you up on a blind date. If you promise to go I will reimburse you the price of food._

He frowned deeply, and reread the text several times like there was a hidden meaning he was missing. Had she thought he was joking earlier when he said he wasn’t interested in having dinner with one of her friends? He tried and failed to formulate a response:

_What if I eat by myself twice and you reimburse me for that…_

He deleted this and tried again.

_If this is you asking me out, then of course I accept…_

Inappropriate. Deleted.

_Why the hell would you think I’d…_

Absolutely not. Deleted.

He was still trying to think up what to say when the second message came in: _Just for fun. Nothing serious. You don’t have go if you don’t want to but I thought you might need cheering up…_

She ended the message with an ellipsis and another emoji, this one of a sheep. Did she think she’d offended him? Poor, considerate Jackson.

He started to type something reassuring that would let him slip out of Hye Jin’s sadly obvious attempt to fob off his feelings with a consolation date. But as he was typing, the third message came in.

_It’s with Ha Ri._

He froze for a moment, all sorts of curious thoughts spinning around in his head before he closed his messenger and instead called her.

Her voice came shyly from the other side of the phone, “Hello?”

“Hello, Jackson. I’ll take your wife out to dinner. Just tell me when and where.”

________________________________________

The not-so-blind date was set for the following day after work. He dressed up for this, doing something with hair and picking out a good coat. He had given money and his measurements to the hotel and had a concierge fill this closet for him some weeks ago. It was strange to realize how many clothes he owned. _So this is what you can buy with that much won. I feel bad now. So unnecessary._

Unconsciously, though, he had gradually started to dress better when he came to work. Perhaps he was become a hypocrite, undermining all his principles by trying to look good for someone. It used to be that clothes were clothes, food was food. Convenience and comfort was king, and it all aligned with the image he had made for himself as Editor Kim. His priorities were all over the place these days. He had to laugh at himself. At least Ha Ri would appreciate the effort, since Hye Jin had never once noticed. 

Even though Ha Ri no longer worked as a hotelier, she was still perfectly at ease there, chatting amiably with a lobby boy as his elevator opened onto the main floor and Shin Hyeok stepped out.

“My one-time fiancé!” Shin Hyeok greeted her exuberantly and offered his arm, to lead her out of the hotel grandly.

He noticed her hesitate momentarily before accepting it and hooking elbows with him.

It was clear outside, and they were both dressed for the cool evening air, so they walked down the block in the direction of the restaurant. Because Hye Jin was doing the arranging—and was the one paying for the food, per their agreement—Shin Hyeok abided by her restaurant selection. She picked a moderately priced Western restaurant not far away from the hotel. When they reached the entrance, though, Ha Ri suddenly went stock still and looked up at restaurant’s façade like she’d seen the building in a horror movie.

“This is where we were going?” Ha Ri asked, clearly trying to conceal an unexpected discomfort.

“Why, you don’t like the food here?”

“It’s not that…” Ha Ri looked down at her shoes, a very chic pair blue stilettos, and then rolled back her shoulders and shook her head like she was psyching herself up for something. “Never mind, let’s go in.”

She made to walk toward the door, but Shin Hyeok used her arm looped in his to hold on to her. “Wait, wait. You and I almost pretended we were getting married once. You can’t tell your almost fake husband why you don’t want to go in there? I’m wounded in the extreme.” He smiled at her, encouragingly and raised his eyebrows high in an unspoken question.

“I’m okay with it really, just that…The last time I went in there it was—”

“With Seong Joon.” He finished the thought for her, suddenly understanding.

Ha Ri nodded almost imperceptibly. “I don’t mind that much, though.”

“It’s out of the question. Besides, I think I remember hearing that the owner of this place is a very bad man. He’s a degenerate gambler and he mistreats his elderly mother.”

“You did not hear that.”

“I swear! If you would have us fund the activities of such a person, you’re not the woman I thought you were when I asked you to marry me.”

This made her laugh, and seem to relax her slightly. “You really think we could go somewhere else? Since Hye Jin set this up, she seemed so pleased with her plans.”

Shin Hyeok suppressed a grimace at Hye Jin’s eagerness to send him out on a date, and said, “Your wifey wouldn’t have chosen this place if she knew it would make you uncomfortable. Think hard, what would you like to do instead?”

Ha Ri thought for a moment and then said. “What if we bought chicken and beer and went to the Han?”

“This from the girl who almost cried when she ate whole bowl of cup ramyun? I like it. Let’s go!” Almost tripping her by turning her abruptly, Shin Hyeok pulled her toward the underground parking where he’d left his car.

________________________________________

Later, after ordering their food, they found a quiet place along the river. Spreading a blanket Shin Hyeok had with him over the hood of his car, they ate in the open air, looking out at the city lights bouncing off the water. Ha Ri wearing his spare beanie.

“Why don’t you ride your motorcycle anymore?”

“Ah that,” Shin Hyeok smirked, “I crashed it fooling around in the rain.”

“You aren’t going to get it fixed? Or are you scared of falling now?”

“No, I’m too amazing for that sort of thing. I bought a new one, but the weather is turning cold and…It makes someone worry when I ride it, so I’ve started using the car more and more.”

Ha Ri nodded, reaching for another wing. “So, when you crashed your bike,” She paused, sucking the grease from one thumb, deciding how she wanted to phrase her question, “You did it going to rescue Hye Jin, didn’t you?”

Shin Hyeok side-eyed her, cracking open another can of the light beer they’d brought. “I suppose she tells her wife everything. You already knew what happened to the bike, so why did you ask me?”

She smiled at him crookedly, a little embarrassed, “I suppose because I actually wanted to ask you another question, but I didn’t know how to do it.”

Taking a long drink swig of his beer without breaking eye contact, he made a “give it” gesture with one hand and when he had taken a breath said, “Ask me.”

“You can’t be upset with me.”

“I can’t be. I’m a very considerate date, Ms. Min. You don’t know how lucky you are.”

“How long have you been in love with Hye Jin?”

He had gone to take another drink as she asked this and almost spat it out. That was certainly direct. He could now understand now why she had been reluctant to ask the question.

“I’m sorry.” She said.

“Don’t be.” He said, pounding his chest several times, trying to get some air. “Is it pretty obvious, then?”

“I think it’s obvious to everyone but Hye Jin-ah.”

He smiled wanly at this, “I wasn’t trying to hide it, I suppose. So, when Jackson told you I got hurt, she didn’t mention I confessed to her after she found out?”

“You did?” Ha Ri seemed genuinely surprised.

He held up two fingers and nodding said, “Twice. She rejected me flat, running away from me to the Deputy Editor’s side.”

It was Ha Ri’s turn to look pale. “She didn’t tell me.”

“Does it still hurt a lot? You still think of him very often?” He asked, softening his tone.

She didn’t answer him, but only looked back out toward the Han, which was answer enough.

“ _Aigoo_ , what a pair we make. You and Jackson liking him. Seong Joon and I liking her. And all they can see is each other. It’s a lonely life we’ve resigned ourselves to. Nobody knows better than I do what you must be feeling, but it won’t do you any good to try to pretend you’re not feeling anything.”

“I wonder then, if you know, and I know, and everyone knows that you’re in love with Hye Jin-ah, why did you agree to come out with me?”

“Because I’m trying to practice leaving well enough alone, but I’m still an amateur.”

Ha Ri frowned, clearly not understanding what he meant. In less cryptic terms he said, “Does Jackson seem…okay to you?”

She only shrugged, “She’s over the moon. She has a boyfriend for the first time since she was in gradeschool. She talks to him on the phone for hours nearly every night. She hums and skips around the house. Love has made her into a menace.”

Shin Hyeok nodded, trying to keep his expression neutral. “I shouldn’t worry then?” But Ha Ri didn’t answer, and he couldn’t help probing further, “Right?”

“I can’t really trust my opinion to be objective. I told her to go to him, and I really want him to be happy, even if it’s with her instead of me but…”

“But?”

“There’s something more going on with Seong Joon than she’s saying. I thought it would be okay once they were together.” She seemed thoughtful, “We probably just need to give them some time, since they’ve barely had their week anniversary. They may be each other’s first love, but they don’t have much practice at being a couple.” Shin Hyeok shook his head in agreement, probably a little too hard and a little too long. “Hye Jin must think about you a lot though, and she must feel sorry too. I thought she just felt sorry for me, to set this up, but I think maybe if you confessed, this is more for you than it is for me.”

“It’s for both of us. Because Hye Jin is too soft-hearted for her own good, and her mind will only be at ease if she can make everyone happy at once.”

“What about it, then?”

“Eh?”

“In this light you are sort of handsome. I bet you clean up well, and if it would make everyone feel better, we could just try dating without any expectations and see what happens.”

Shin Hyeok laughed, a little louder than he intended, the beer was beginning to have its effect he supposed, “You’re not half bad yourself. But what if I kissed you right now? Then what? All we will have purchased for ourselves is confusion for an hour or so, regret for two or three days, and then we’ll be back where we started. Trust me. You can do better than a _devastatingly_ handsome but somewhat obnoxious reporter who happens to be in love with your best friend.”

“You have some good points too, I’m sure.” Ha Ri said, pursing her lips an looking him up and down.

“Well, I’m rich and I don’t know how to spend my money.”

“I think I could help you with that.”

Then they laughed together for a time, and the mood between them was companionable and peaceful. They finished the rest of the beer nearly in silence, Shin Hyeok picking through the bones to see if any choice pieces of meat remained, Ha Ri humming the melody of a pop single that had been popular in Korea when they had both been children.

“Since we have an understanding,” Shin Hyeok said, after they had cleaned up the cans and chicken mess and were folding up the blanket, “And it would put Jackson’s mind at ease, like you said, what if we continued to see each other for a while?”

“I thought you said that was just a ticket to confusion and regret.”

“I’m not asking you to go steady just…what if we formed a sort of support group for two.”

“A support group?”

“For unrequited love. We know better than anyone else what’s going on, and maybe it would do something to keep us from going crazy by ourselves.”

She was quiet while she thought about it. Shin Hyeok called someone to come pick them up and get his car back to his hotel, since neither of them was fit to drive, and while they waited for the engine to warm up and start pumping the cab of the car full of warm air, Ha Ri said, “Let’s do it. A support group for one-sided love. Let’s keep each other sane, deal?” She held out one, long fingered hand and they shook on it.

“But, Room 2024, I have to ask…”

“What?”

“What is a Jackson, anyway?”

________________________________________

Later, Ha Ri had been safely shuttled home and Shin Hyeok had the replacement driver take him in the direction of his hotel. It was remarkable how quickly the buoyant mood of the evening receded into what was becoming a customary melancholy. Magnified no doubt by the alcohol.

Still it bothered him, like an itch he couldn’t reach, that there was something hidden just below the surface going on with Seong Joon, and he couldn’t figure out what it was.

Shin Hyeok thought hard about all the times he’s teased and bothered Seong Joon. He thought about all the times he’d been in his apartment.

Suddenly, something occurred to him as it hadn’t before.

While he was still buzzing with artificial courage, he braced himself for a confrontation, and tapping the substitute driver on the shoulder he said, “Turn up here. I don’t want to go back to my hotel. I need to go somewhere else.”

He didn’t know if he was correct, but he knew it would bother him until he confirmed his suspicions one way or the other. Shin Hyeok arrived at Seong Joon’s officetel and knocked several times on his door. He waited, listening for sounds on the other side, but heard nothing. He checked his phone, it was after 11 o’clock. Could he be asleep? He knocked again, louder, and waited for several more minutes with no response.

 _Well, since I’m already here_. He whipped the key card out of his jacket, a token from previous visits that Seong Joon had still not retrieved back from him. Which was practically an invitation if you thought about it. With it he let himself in.

The room was completely dark with no sign that Seong Joon had even been home yet.

_Is he with Hye Jin? ___

__Shin Hyeok quickly dismissed the idea as none of his business, and began snooping thorough Seong Joon’s belongings._ _

________________________________________

__Seong Joon slumped his way into his apartment a quarter after 2 and made his way into the kitchen Letting his briefcase strap slide languidly off his shoulder, he allowed it lie where if fell._ _

__He was staring into to the depths of his empty fridge, digging out one of the last bottles of water he had when he heard the sound of someone clearing their throat behind him._ _

__His heart rate skyrocketed and he scrambled clumsily for the light switches to illuminate the rest of the room._ _

__Editor Kim was perched on his couch, legs crossed neatly, watching him with open curiosity._ _

__“Good morning, Deputy Editor.” he said, tone grim, “We need to talk,”_ _


	3. The Big If

It was way past Hye Jin’s bedtime for a work night, and she knew that. Yet she was awake, alternately snacking and pacing and checking her phone. The minutes continued to chug by and Ha Ri still hadn’t returned from her date.

There was a frantic variety show on the television failing to keep her interest, and she was in the process of talking herself out of sending Ha Ri a text just to “checkup.” _What am I, mother or matchmaker?_ Several times already that evening she’d nearly messaged one or the other of them for status, but had so far stopped herself. This was a date. A date she had arranged. And she was on the verge of trying to ruin it. 

The fact that Ha Ri wasn’t home yet, that she hadn’t heard anything was a sign that things were going very well, wasn’t it? If that was the case then what was this queasiness Hye Jin kept feeling whenever she thought about the subject? A sick feeling that she could neither get rid of nor ignore.

Looking down at the blank screen of her phone she thought, _they wouldn’t sleep out tonight, would they_?

She wrinkled her nose and shook her head several times to rid herself of the idea. That was ridiculous. But the unbidden image of Ha Ri testing a suitor’s kissing prowess in the car before she said goodnight rose into Hye Jin’s brain, and it set off another bout of pacing with the bag of shrimp chips in her hands.

Finally, she heard the sound of someone on the steps and met Ha Ri eagerly at the door. She entered the apartment grinning and swaying, giving Hye Jin a friendly squeeze smelling only lightly boozy, before heading to the kitchen for a glass of water. “Why are you still awake? It’s almost 11. Don’t you have to work tomorrow?”

Ha Ri’s face was flushed with the effects of alcohol. She looked positively blissful. The happiest Hye Jin had seen her since the truth had come out to Seong Joon.

“You two were drinking?”

Ha Ri downed a glass of water with a satisfied gasp and turned to her smiling, “A little.”

Had Shin Hyeok decided to rack up a tab at the restaurant, knowing that Hye Jin was picking up the bill? “How was the food?”

“Oh, don’t be mad Hye Jin-ah, but we didn’t end up going to the restaurant.”

She felt a mild surge of anxiety, had they gone somewhere even more expensive? Just what exactly had she agreed to pay for?

“That’ okay.” She said, a little tightly, “Did you have fun at least?”

Ha Ri only smiled, sitting down at the table with her glass and the water pitcher she dutifully poured herself another glass and hydrated. Hye Jin sat down across from her. She had expected to feel relieved when Ha Ri was home, but instead she felt somehow worse. And Ha Ri didn’t seem eager to volunteer information so Hye Jin asked again, “How did it go?”

“It was fine. He wants to see me again.”

“Really?” Hye Jin’s voice sounded flat and unenthusiastic even to her own ears, “That’s great.”

“Just as friends.”

At this Hye Jin redoubled her attention, leaning forward, “Just friends?”

Ha Ri only nodded her confirmation and drifted out of the kitchen to get ready for bed.

“You didn’t get on well? Do you not like him?” Hye Jin sat on Ha Ri’s bed while she undressed, peppering her with questions. “Did he tease you constantly? Was he embarrassing?”

“No. He’s actually really easy to talk to. Not at all the way had you described him.”

“The way I did? How did I describe him?”

“Whenever you talk about him it’s always as the prankster who bothers you all day. The obnoxious editor who mooches _tteokbokki_ off of you,” She laughed, “But he wasn’t that way with me at all. He was really…considerate, I guess.”

Hye jin felt somehow wounded by this. Like Shin Hyeok had wronged her. She liked the Editor. He had always been kind to her, even if he annoyed her a lot of the time. Had she really talked so badly about him? But Ha Ri made him sound like a different person. Was that the way he behaved on a date? Or did he just like Ha Ri?

“Hye Jin-ah, what’s wrong? Are you upset because I said I wasn’t going to date him?”

_No, that isn’t it at all_. But she couldn’t say that, “Can I sleep in here tonight?” She asked instead.

Ha Ri reminded Hye Jin that she sometimes threw elbows in her sleep after drinking, but Hye Jin only changed into her own pajamas and climbed into her friend’s bed.

“Are you really okay?” Ha Ri asked when they were facing each other under the covers. She searched Hye Jin’s face, “You’re acting sort of weird.”

“What did you do? On the date, I mean. I really want to know.”

Ha Ri rolled onto her back and looked up at the ceiling. She spoke slowly, pausing as she went and picking her words carefully, “We…I was feeling uncomfortable because of the restaurant…Let’s just say I thought I saw someone I knew and I didn’t want to run into them. And so Shin Hyeok rescued me. He offered to do anything I wanted to do. We just bought beer and chicken and drove to the river. We talked about…well, we didn’t talk about anything important and then he took me home. That’s all that happened.”

_Is that the sort of thing we would have done, if I had agreed to go out with him?_ Hye Jin wondered. Without meaning to visualize it she pictured herself with Shin Hyeok on the banks of the Han. What it would have been like if she had gone with him tonight, instead of Ha Ri. He was easy to talk to. She knew that. She always had fun when she was with him. _Kim Hye Jin, aren’t you being too greedy now? You know why this was good for both of them. Don’t make it about you._

“For everything I’ve said about Editor Kim, he really is a good person. I hope you put him down gently before he starts to like you too much.” Hye Jin said.

“I don’t think he’s in any danger of getting his heart broken by me.”

“What do you mean?”

“If it were just up to me, I think maybe I would have dated him. Just to see, you know, if we could be good together. But that only works when it’s mutual.”

“It is mutual, though. He didn’t want to let me set him up at all, but as soon as I said it was you he agreed right away. I’m sure he likes you.” Hye Jin felt a renewed pang as she remembered how quickly Shin Hyeok had changed his tune as soon as she’d mentioned Ha Ri’s name. Her friend was gorgeous after all. He would have to be crazy not to be interested.

“I think there may have been another reason for that.” Ha Ri said, but she didn’t elaborate.

Ha Ri reached over and turned out her bedside light. Hye Jin wrapped her arms around her friend and pulled her close, pressing her cheek against her warm back.

In a faraway voice Ha Ri mused, “I wonder what would have happened if I’d met him first. If we had met each other first. Maybe if our fates had been a little bit different we could have been more than friends. I think I could have really liked him if it wasn’t for…” Ha Ri couldn’t finish the thought and Hye Jin felt her friend clutching her hand so she couldn’t let her go.

_If it wasn’t for me, she thought, if I had never asked her to meet Seong Joon for me. If I wasn’t Seong Joon’s first love…If he wasn’t mine…If Shin Hyeok told me he liked me…If only…_

That sour little thing that had wrapped itself around Hye Jin’s stomach curled still tighter. As hard as she tried, she couldn’t seem to be good to her friends. Not as good as they deserved. Something greedy inside her wouldn’t allow it. Had she always been this selfish, or had being in love made her this way? She wondered at the question until she fell into a fretful sleep.

________________________________________

Seong Joon let out an inarticulate yelp at Shin Hyeok’s unexpected appearance. “Why are you in my apartment?” In the rush of adrenaline that followed he clutched at the front of his shirt, trying to catch his breath as his panic subsided, fear translating quickly into anger. “What do you want?”

Shin Hyeok was on his feet and in the kitchen next to him in a couple steps, no trace of amusement in his expression, looking at him with concern in his face. “Are you okay? You’re really pale.”

“I’m fine. Don’t touch me.” The feature editor raised his hands and maintained a slight distance, still close enough to conceivably catch him if his legs suddenly buckled. Seong Joon was berating himself in his own head. These days he startled easily and when it happened he had difficulty lowering his heart rate back to normal. “Why are you waiting in the dark for me anyway?”

“I really wasn’t trying to scare you. I fell asleep waiting and I only just woke up when you opened the door.”

Seong Joon moved to open his water bottle and drank, trying to hide the tremor in his hands as he fought with the lid. “I just came from Most, if this is work related you could have called me.”

“You should sit down first. Then we’ll talk.” The editor said, still eyeing him like he was on the verge of death. 

_Of course I have no color in my face_ , Seong Joon thought. You almost scared the life out of me. But he made his way to a living room chair and sat, more shakily than he would have liked as it would seem to validate Editor Kim’s hovering. He waited patiently for him to finish more of his water. Although he was irritated to be caught at a disadvantage this way, he was gaining command of himself again, and sat straight, leveling what was intended to be an imperious look at his subordinate. Editor Kim was silent for a moment, scratching his head and watching Seong Joon from the couch with an interest that made him extraordinarily uncomfortable. “What did you come to say?” 

Seong Joon wracked his brain, but he couldn’t imagine that the conversation Shin Hyeok wanted to have had anything to do with the magazine. All they would seem to have to talk about was his relationship with Hye Jin.

Editor Kim tilted his head and ran a hand over his mouth, as though he was loath to say what he had come to say. “Wait a second.” He said, standing suddenly.

Seong Joon was growing irritated. His eyes were getting heavy, but his heart was still pumping rapidly and he knew that even if the editor left immediately he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep soon.

Editor Kim went into his kitchen and looked around. After a moment he grabbed something from the counter and when he returned he held a stack of nearly a dozen letters in his hands. A couple of them were of a standard business size, but the majority was personalized violet envelopes, hand addressed. This was the collection that Shin Hyeok turned over in his hands, meeting Seong Joon’s eye again.

“I know a thing or two about being separated from everyone you know. Especially family. Hell, there were times right after I moved to Seoul a single phone call would get me through the entire week. A handwritten letter was more precious than food. I thought I would go crazy I was so lonely.” He paused before he continued in a measured tone, “Now, the best I can figure, there are two reasons you would keep a stack of letters like this. Either you are afraid of what kind of news they’ll tell you, or you already know what they are going to say, but because you have a reason to feel guilty you’re postponing the need to reply.”

Seong Joon couldn’t fathom what this man might be here to say to him. If this was his way of confronting him about Hye Jin, it was a strange way to go about it. Even for Editor Kim.

“Most of these seem to be from a…Ji Hyun Sook. Using my powers of deduction I would guess a…paternal aunt or perhaps an older cousin. Someone who feels a motherly concern for you. Someone you must have been close to in the States. Clearly they have been accumulating for some time now. 3 of them are from a Dr. Forbes. All post marked from New York. Neither opened nor thrown away.”

“Besides being grossly invasive, what are you getting at exactly?” The attention he was paying the letters made Seong Joon worry for the first time that maybe this visit was not about a love triangle. He hadn’t opened the letters, had he? No, he could see that they were still sealed. So he couldn’t know anything. He was only guessing. “I don’t need the long preamble. Just ask me what you want to ask me.”

Editor Kim waited beat more and taking a breath finally said, “Are you very ill?”

“What? Why would you even ask me that?”

“You and I both know you’re not suffering from acute exhaustion, Deputy Editor. That might be enough for Most. It might even satisfy Hye Jin for now, but we know better, don’t we?” Seong Joon was so shocked that he couldn’t speak. He only gaped at the feature editor’s serious-as-a-heart-attack expression. Whatever he had expected to come out of his mouth, this was not it.

“Do you already know how serious it is? Or are you afraid to have your fears confirmed by a doctor?”

“I’m not sick.”

The editor dropped the stack of letters and leaned back, raising his eyebrows and crossing his arms across his chest. Clearly not buying what Seong Joon was selling.

“I have the 20 year legacy of Most on my shoulders and the livelihoods off all its employees. I’m not handling the strain as well as I would like, but I would wager that anyone in my position would be affected by it.”

“You’re going to tell me all of this is because you’re worried about the magazine?” Shin Hyeok smirked at him, “Let’s say that’s the case. Based on only the things I’ve observed: You’re ignoring or at least avoiding your family and your doctor. Your cheeks are hollow. You walk around like a zombie half the time, running into walls, spacing out in meetings. There’s no food in your apartment. Not even a grain of rice. When I stopped to think about it I’ve never seen you eat unless Hye Jin is feeding you. Do you even use the bed anymore, or do you just doze for a couple hours in that chair before going to work?” he had started counting off on his fingers as he stated each charge, “Am I very far off the mark? Should I go on?”

Seong Joon’s mouth felt dry. He took another drink of water, swallowing with difficulty. “Have you spoken to Hye Jin about any of this?”

“No, I’m talking to you first.”

“Good.” Seong Joon released a breath he was holding. Shin Hyeok didn’t know, or at least didn’t know everything. For a minute there he felt sure the editor had somehow come into contact with his aunt. That was a relief, but it still worried him that he might tell Hye Jin something and panic her. “To be honest I thought you were going to say something much worse.” Seong joon tried to control his countenance. If he seemed too relieved that could be suspicious too. He couldn’t deny everything, but just enough. “I’m not sick. At least not in the way you’re thinking.”

Editor Kim didn’t comment on this, but only watched him. Listening.

“When I was younger, in America, I was overweight and kids my age…I wasn’t treated well, we’ll leave it at that. At the worst of it I would refuse to eat. After a while, I started to make me feel better when I didn’t eat at all. It was like…the only thing in my life I could control. Naturally, the less I ate, the skinnier I got, and the bullying got better. But by the time it stopped I found that I still could barely bring myself to eat at all, and I got sick. My aunt made sure I got treated, and I got better. But my doctors told me that if I didn’t watch myself, under extreme stress my neuroses about food could come back.”

“But if it’s progressed to this point, why don’t you seek treatment again?”

“Because it’s just a temporary setback. I’ve faced this in New York before, but I handled it on my own. I know why I’m like this. It’s not like it was when I was a kid and I didn’t realize what I was doing. I know what’s happening now, and I have it under control. This isn’t going to last forever. When the 20th Anniversary edition is out and Most is back on top, everything will return to normal. I’ll be able to eat without feeling nauseous, and I won’t give Hye Jin anymore reason to worry.”

“You’ve already been in and out of the hospital.”

“And I’ve learned my lesson. I was overdoing it, I admit. I’m being more careful, and besides I don’t have the time to see a doctor in Korea. I can barely manage the follow up appointments I already have. I need you to trust me, and for you not to worry Hye Jin with any of this foolishness.”

Shin Hyeok seemed to consider he words, although he didn’t appear to be convinced by this explanation. Seong Joon clenched his teeth and waited.

“If you say that’s all it is, then I’ll have to believe you. It’s not my place to tell her, but you really should. This isn’t something you should deal with all alone. If you keep something so serious a secret and relapse again, the person who will be hurt the most is Hye Jin. You have to know that.”

“I do know that. I’m not going to do anything to hurt her. Everything will normalize soon. I will take care of it. It’s my responsibility to worry about Hye Jin. Not yours.”

“As long as Hye Jin is my friend, her happiness is my business. I’m not going to stop caring about her just because she’s with you.”

“That’s how I’m supposed to take all of this, then? The disinterested concern of a friend. It has nothing to do with the feelings you’ve already admitted to having for her?”

“You can think what you want, but I’m being sincere. Hye Jin doesn’t exclusively monopolize my feelings either. I’m also concerned about the magazine. And you too. I consider you a friend.”

Seong Joon blinked at this, “Hye Jin is my first priority, before the magazine or anything else.” He repeated, “I’m not going to do anything to hurt her.”

“You have to save yourself before you can help other people, Deputy Editor. Try to remember that.” Shin Hyeok stood up and grabbed his jacket. “I said what I needed to say. I’ll let you get some rest. Please think about telling Hye Jin what you told me.” He began to head for the door. Seong Joon stood up to see him out.

As he reached for the door Seong Joon said, “It’s not just the magazine. Most isn’t the only thing occupying my thoughts, making it hard for me to sleep.”

“What then?”

He wasn’t sure why he was telling the editor this, but he couldn’t seem to help it. “If I…When Most is back on the top for sales, I intend to ask Hye Jin to come back to New York with me. What I mean is, if I succeed in saving the magazine I’m going to propose to her.”

It was Shin Hyeok’s turn to look perplexed, standing near the door he reached the handle, his hand closing around it almost as if he was steadying himself. He bit his lip, looking at the floor before focusing his gaze back on Seong Joon, “You’re making your proposal contingent on the magazine succeeding? That’s why you’re working yourself to death?”

“I want to ask her to marry me at my proudest moment. If I can’t save the magazine I will have failed. And we’ll all be looking for a job, me included. I don’t think I have any business asking someone to marry me in that situation.”

Under his breath the editor said, “You’re certainly not wasting any time.” Then in full voice, “In that case, I will hope that you succeed. I will…I will cheer you on. And help you in any way that I can.”

Shin Hyeok’s voice was steady, but Seong Joon thought he looked like he’d been sucker punched. Did I say that to see the expression on his face? Seong Joon wondered. Was that the only reason? Out loud he said, “Thank you. For being worried about me, too. Thank you.”

“I told you. I consider you a friend. It might surprise you, since I’m such a charming fellow, but I don’t have very many. If there’s anything in this world I take seriously, it’s that. Well,” Grinning, he opened the door and took one step over the threshold, “Goodnight, Seong Joon.”

Seong Joon nodded and started to turn toward his bedroom, but the editor’s voice called him back.

“Oh, since I’m overstepping anyway,” Shin Hyeok said, sticking his upper body back inside the apartment, “I’ll just ask. Before you knew our Hye Jin was your one true first love, back when you believed that Min Ha Ri was the Hye Jin of your recollection, did you feel the same way about her?”

“I don’t understand the question.”

“I’m just curious, when you thought Ha Ri was actually Hye Jin, did you feel the same for her as you do about Jackson? Would you have proposed to her after you saved the magazine, for instance, if she was the real Hye Jin?”

“But she’s not the real Hye Jin.”

“I’m saying if she was. You find nothing strange about the fact that you were calling another woman by Hye Jin’s name only a couple of weeks ago? I only ask because you seem so sure of yourself now. Did you feel anything for Ha Ri, or was it always the girl of your memory that you were seeing?”

“That woman lied to me. She manipulated my feelings and used precious memories to confuse me. As far as I’m concerned we have nothing to do with each other. Anything I may have thought or may have felt…that’s over now and I’m not interested in ‘what if’ scenarios. I think…no, I know that I would always have found the real thing in the end. Because Hye Jin is the only Hye Jin.”

Shin Hyeok took this in, “I see,” then drumming his fingers rapidly on the doorjamb said, “Goodnight, then.” and closed the door behind him.


	4. So Comfortable You Won't Notice

When the feature editor was gone, Seong Joon made the effort and walked into his bedroom. He flipped on the light and stared disconsolately at the bed. Somehow the sight made him feel more tired, but not in an inviting sort of way. He took off his coat and loosened the top buttons of his shirt, then turned the light off again and plodded back to the couch.

Sitting down he looked at the array of letters Shin Hyeok had left on the cushion beside him. He picked up his aunt’s letters one by one. The envelopes felt heavy, like the contents were written on several sheets of good paper.

Seong Joon stacked them together chronologically and set them aside. He then picked up one of the letters from Dr. Forbes and after hesitating a moment, slid his finger beneath the seal and ripped it open. _Editor Kim said I wasn’t opening them because I was either afraid or guilty. Was that true?_

This letter was typewritten on the doctor’s expensive embossed letterhead, which proclaimed at the top in gold script: Dr. Benjamin Forbes, Psychiatric Medicine and listed the address of his practice in Manhattan. Seong Joon knew the letterhead well, because the doctor was fond of the formality of letter writing, and when they were seeing each other regularly in New York would often incorporate letter writing into Seong Joon’s treatment because he was aware of the significance it had to his case.

Breath quickening in spite of himself, Seong Joon read the opening salutation, hearing Dr. Forbes’s grandiose English in his head.

_Dear Mr. Ji,_

_Although I am no longer able to treat you regularly as a patient, I hope you will pardon the liberty I take in writing you. In the interest of transparency I will tell you I received your mailing address from Ms. Hyun Sook, and decided to write at least partially on her urging. I have done my best to assure her the difficulty in reaching you by phone or email is likely a result of your strenuous work schedule and the time difference, but I’m afraid my assurances have done little to relieve the paranoia she is under that you are actively avoiding contact with her since your return to Korea._

At the first mention of his aunt Seong Joon almost tossed the letter away, but conscious that that action would only go to prove Shin Hyeok’s point, that he was afraid and ashamed of himself, he forced himself to continue reading:

_While your aunt is somewhat given to overreaction, I also have experience no little anxiety about your return to Korea. While we have discussed exposure therapy and its possible benefits for your continued treatment, this method should be practiced under the supervision of a therapist, at least in the early stages. Returning to and retracing the locales and incidences of your childhood without a local support system or a doctor in Seoul who is familiar with your case, troubles me in the extreme. Rather than assisting in your continued recovery, these actions can result in a relapse._

_In regard to your renewed acquaintance with that childhood friend—_

There was still an entire page and a half of this to go, but here Seong Joon crushed the letter between his hands until it was a tight ball of expensive stationary, and buried his face in his hands. So Editor Kim had been correct in his blind supposition. He was not prepared to read another word of that.

Groaning into his hands he repeated, “What should I do? What should I do?” He felt for the phone in his pocket. It comforted him to have it there, although he did not fish it out or look at it. _I want to see her._ He thought, _I want to see her. I want to be there where she is._

Without rising to turn out any more lights or even pulling the cheap throw over himself, Seong Joon leaned his head back and closed his eyes. Whether what he did for the next hours could be considered sleep was debatable. In his head a hundred troubled conversations coalesced and broke apart, his aunt on one side of him, Dr. Forbes on the other, all overlaid with the constant preoccupation that Kim Shin Hyeok was somehow in his apartment looking through his things and laughing at him.

An alarm began buzzing him awake at 6 am, and he could have believed that no time had passed at all, but that he’d simply blinked twice and his apartment was streaked with early sunlight. But whether it had been three and half hours or a week, it was all about the same to him. He propelled himself stiffly to his feet and toward the bathroom.

On his phone he saw that Hye Jin had sent him _Good morning_. As the hot water started pouring over him and he began to feel more human, the knowledge that he could see her when he got into the office energized him. His stomach was tight and empty. He wanted his coffee. It occurred to him that he could text her and ask her to meet him at the café, and that she would wait with him for their orders to be ready and they could walk to the building together. And even ride up to Most together, in the back of the same elevator. And if by chance the backs of their hands would brush together he could see Hye Jin blush through her foundation as she shyly avoided his gaze all the way to their respective desks.

When he’d thought about all this, his troubled memories of the conversation with Editor Kim, and of the letters, and last night’s dreams all faded away. After toweling dry, he went into his closet and began carefully picking out his armor for the day, smiling foolishly to himself all the way to his car.

________________________________________

Kim Hye Jin had been making a decided effort to wear the shoes that Ha Ri had given her. She was really trying. The first day she’s worn them, the same day Seong Joon had gone to the hospital, she had spent so much time running from place to place without regard for her feet that she had rubbed her heels raw and had to wait several days before she could try to wear them again. Now she was standing at the corner waiting for the light to change from red to ‘go’ and her calves were already starting to bother her. _Where was I when every other woman in the world was learning to walk in heels and apply their makeup? I must have slept in that day._

She had thought to put bandages on the backs of both her heels, which was helping. Although she felt she walked uncertainly, like it was her first day on circus stilts.

That morning before she had left the house she had mentioned to Ha Ri that maybe she exaggerated how quickly Hye Jin would adapt. Or maybe Hye Jin was just peculiarly ill-suited to wearing high heels. Her friend had only given her an odd look and said she could wear something else if she wanted to.

She had opted for them anyway, but she was already regretting her decision. As she stepped unwarily off the curb she almost took a spill into a gutter. She headed in the direction of the café. If she was totally honest, Seong Joon was probably at least half the reason she was unsteady on her feet. She had seen him the day before, but the prospect of meeting him casually before work left her in a state of nervous excitement.

She felt a tap on her shoulder and turned in that direction but saw no one she recognized. She started to move forward again when Editor Kim jumped into her path and shouted, “Jackson!”

She squealed, and jumped in spite of her uneasy footing, and nearly toppled sideways. Luckily Shin Hyeok saw this and put an arm around her shoulders to keep her upright. “You’re rather high strung, Jackson, maybe you drink too much caffeine.”

“I haven’t even had caffeine this morning.” She said, shrugging off his arm, not entirely because the contact was unwanted. She cursed mildly under her breath and straightened her clothes, “If my feet weren’t killing me, I would just smack you.”

He was grinning; visibly proud of himself, as he always was when he managed to get a rise out of her. He was standing a little too close, as usual, but as she spoke he stepped back and surveyed her head to toe.

“You’ve successfully exorcised the soleless loafers and replaced them with something tall and shiny.” He observed dubiously. “Pretty, but very un-Jackson, I think.”

“They were a present from Ha Ri. I’ve been assured I’ll get used to them.”

“Aren’t you going to regret wearing those? Considering Editor Cha is going to have you running errands to the studio all day?”

Hye Jin had complete forgotten they were doing a last minute photo shoot for the 20th Anniversary edition today, and she would be the designated intern to fetch and carry for hours on end. She would be lucky if she got to sit down at her desk at all for the majority of the day. All she said though was, “I’m sure it won’t be as bad as all that.”

He hummed at this, seeming skeptical. “Should I buy you something sweet to drink? We still have some time before we have to be at Most. Come to think of it, you might need your excessive energy today.”

“As tempting as it is to make you pay for something, no thank you. I’m…I’m meeting the Deputy Editor.”

“I suppose you’ve graduated beyond needing me to rescue you from that kind of encounter.” He said knowingly, but Hye Jin couldn’t quite meet his eye. Before she could think of how to reply he said a quick “bye” and headed in the direction of Most on his own.

Back on track she finally made her destination, and as she walked inside she felt her chest tighten and a blush creeping up her neck. She almost wished, for a moment at least, that she had asked Shin Hyeok to come with her. She spotted Seong Joon immediately, buried in something he was reading on his tablet. She shuffled reluctantly into the chair across from him, but she needn’t have been shy. She had to call his name twice, loudly, before he realized she was there.

As soon as he saw her he smiled warmly, “Oh, Hye Jin-ah. I hope you don’t mind. I ordered for you.”

She said she didn’t, and immediately broke eye contact, feeling her face grow red. _Come to think of it_ , she thought, _Ha Ri wasn’t talking about shoes when she said that it would be awkward at first but I would soon get used to it. She was talking about me going to Seong Joon._ For some reason, this made Hye Jin’s heart beat faster. Whether it be shoes or relationships, she found herself slower to adapt than she had expected. When did it become easy? Maybe she was just being impatient.

She thought about what she could say to him to propel the conversation, “How are you feeling?” is what she went with, immediately wishing she hadn’t.

“Much better now that you’re here. Hye Jin? Hye Jin-ah?” She was drilling holes in the tabletop with her eyes, but looked up at the repetition of her name. “I’m glad to see you. I promise I’m going to be more—” he started to say “available” when his phone began vibrating, startling both of them.

Seong Joon grimaced, looking at the screen.

“It’s New York.”

“Answer it.” Hye Jin said.

“I wouldn’t, except—” He picked it up, but paused, looking at her apologetically. She tried to look encouraging and gestured for him to go ahead. He mouthed “sorry” before answering the call in English, stepping outside as he did so.

While he was outside the café, pacing and frowning deeply, their drinks came. Hye Jin watched him, waiting, checking the time occasionally and sipping the drink he had bought her. It was bitter. Twenty minutes later she had finished it and if she waited much longer she was going to be late getting to her desk.

Hye Jin left the café and stood near him, hesitant to interrupt. His back was to her and he was answering a series of short questions in curt one or two word replies. His tone was familiar, different than the voice he used with her now, but reminiscent of the Seong Joon she’d met nearly 3 months ago, brusque and humorless.

When she absolutely couldn’t wait for him any longer she touched his arm to let him know she was there and handed him the coffee he’d left inside. His tense expression melted into remorse when he saw her, and she said just loudly enough to carry over the street noise, “It’s okay. I’ll see you at the office.”

She had to run to catch the elevator, feeling two new places on the sides of her feet beginning to forming new sores already. Tucking herself into the corner of the car, with neither her idiot reporter nor her Deputy Editor beside her, she wondered again when she would start to feel comfortable and stop having to watch her feet all the time.

________________________________________

Shin Hyeok hadn’t exaggerated the intensity of Editor Cha’s demands. It was well before midday that she was cursing herself up and down the halls of Most for dressing herself for a date instead of a day of forced marches.

In the studio itself she could at least slip the heels off for a few minutes before heading back upstairs, but it was dangerous to do that anywhere else in the building. There were endless racks of sample clothes from high end designers wheeling in and out, not to mention the accumulated debris scattered across the floor. The rubble of an office full of editors and writers coming up against a deadline with the printer.

A small blessing was Shin Hyeok’s absence. He had been sent out of the building for the majority of the day to track down a famous photographer to put the final touches on a profile he was doing. He wasn’t there to watch her hobbling around and make fun of her endlessly for it. She could picture his face trying to suppress—no, not even holding back roars of laughter as she ran from one life-or-death chore to another.

Since that morning she had seen Seong Joon for perhaps a total of fifteen minutes between his constant urgent phone calls and her endless running. When she did see him he looked strained and pale. She was anxious for him, but she didn’t have the luxury of doing anything about it.

At her lunch hour she didn’t have time to run home, change and come back. She considered texting Ha Ri and begging her to take a break from job hunting and bring her broken down loafers. But with the possibility of Ha Ri having an awkward run-in with Seong Joon she couldn’t bring herself to ask. No matter how much pain she was in, it couldn’t compare.

Instead she secreted away to the roof with bandages and analgesic to nurse her wounded feet. She had her legs curled up on a convenient bench and was awkwardly applying salve to tender places on one foot when a pair of long arms wrapped around her from behind and she almost shrieked.

“Just for a moment,” came Seong Jeong’s voice somewhere near her ear, and she felt him rest his cheek on her shoulder.

Relaxing her body she said, “What are you doing?”

“Recharging,” he sounded impossibly tired, and she held still and let him cling to her for a minute before saying, “Someone might come up and see us. I’d prefer—”

“Yes I know,” He said, disentangling himself, “We should keep our personal and professional lives separate.” Seong Joon stood up and walked a few steps away from her, looking out at the cityscape around them. She watched him but he was hard to read.

“When I’m no longer working under you at Most, I won’t care who knows anymore.” Hye Jin said, quietly, wincing as she continued applying analgesic, to the other foot this time.

“You’re really just going to go back to the Management Team after you’ve finished with the current edition and your three months are up?” He asked, still facing away from her.

“I think so. That was the job I was hired for.”

“But you’ve acquired a lot of skills since you started working on the magazine. You can do what you want to, of course, but if you wanted to make your position permanent I will talk to Kim Ra Ra and she’ll make it happen.”

She hadn’t even considered the possibility of staying at Most indefinitely. The idea caused a kneejerk reaction of panic and anxiety, but also something else that wasn’t so familiar. Anticipation? Certainly, she had been given the opportunity to try writing at a professional level. And although it was not in the form she had dreamed of when she was a child, the idea of going further into that world had a certain kind of appeal. But of course, even if Seong Joon’s tenure at the magazine ending soon after the 20th Anniversary edition was out, she couldn’t forget that if she stayed at Most that would mean continuing to work every day next to Editor Kim. How did she feel about that?

“What have you done to yourself?” His concerned question, drawing suddenly near, broke her out of her reverie.

She looked up and saw that he had noticed her feet. Without waiting for her to explain, he picked up her legs and sat down, pulling them onto his lap, examining her work so far. Within the course of the day she had rubbed through the bandages she’s thought to put on that morning, and started to bleed at some point. It wasn’t really bad and it had stopped now. From Seong Joon’s expression though, you’d have thought she’d stepped on a landmine.

“Here, give me those.” he took the box of bandages and began to apply them tenderly. With a smirk in his voice, “We both know you’re lousy at this sort of thing.”

She watched his face as he worked, conscious of the intimacy of this posture. “Have you eaten today?”

“Yes,” he said, without looking at her, “I got something out of the vending machines.”

“You should eat better than that. I’ll buy you something tasty, okay?”

“You don’t have to do that.” He looked at her now, “You know, you don’t have to feed me. I’m not up here with you because you feed me. You know that right?” As he spoke, he turned more toward her, and rested one hand on her shin, running his thumb casually up her leg.

A shiver ran through her, and she swung her legs quickly off of him and faced forward, hoping he didn’t notice the goosebumps forming on her skin. Being alone with him was suddenly very awkward again. She bit her lower lip, trying to think of what she could say to excuse herself.

Shin Hyeok’s face suddenly jumped into her mind. You’ve graduated beyond needing me to rescue you from that kind of encounter, she heard him say. 

At that moment Seong Joon’s phone started to ring again. Hye Jin hastily stood up like this was her cue, “You have to get that right? I’m going to see if Editor Cha needs me—” she stepped gingerly back into her shoes.

Seong Joon looked at his phone, but hit ignore. “This isn’t a call I have to take. Can’t you just stay here with me for a little bit longer?” He stood up too and faced her. Leaning in unexpectedly, he pressed a quick kiss to her cheek. “You know how much I like you, right Hye Jin? Things aren’t going to stay like this forever. Soon we’ll have all the time we want, and I won’t let anything distract me from you anymore.”

She stammered, and ended by nodding and smiling at him weakly. His phone started to ring again, and the both looked. “Isn’t that the same number?” She asked, “Maybe you should see what they need.” Darkness passed over Seong Joon’s countenance, and as he stared at his ringing phone Hye Jin had a weird presentiment that he knew exactly who was calling and didn’t want to talk to them.

“Then,” She dipped her head slightly, excusing herself, and fled before she could find out if he answered.

________________________________________

Back at her desk she found that there was a package waiting in her seat. A slender silver box tied in a pink bow. Hye Jin looked around her, snagging Poong Ho has he passed by. “Do I need to take this somewhere?”

He only shrugged, scratching the back of his head with his backscratcher. 

Helpfully, Jun Woo called from his desk, “That was just delivered for you, Kim Hye Jin-sshi. I told them where your desk was.”

“Delivered? From whom?” Jun Woo only shrugged and went back to what he had been doing. She carefully untied the bow, not convinced that such a present was supposed to come to her. It was probably some kind of mistake, or something intended for the studio. Inside the box was a pair of fuchsia trainers with stripes of pale pink running up the sides, looking like tiny wings.

Still not trusting the gift, she double checked with Editor Cha, who confirmed that it had nothing to do with the magazine before rushing off to approve something. She considered the idea that they might be from Seong Joon, although he hadn’t known about her shoe situation until they’d met on the roof, had he? And so he wouldn’t have had time to arrange the gift. She sent a text to Ha Ri asking if she’d had a pair of shoes delivered to her office, and received the almost immediate reply: No, should I have?

After vacillating for a few minutes, she tried them on. They were her size, an immediate relief from the heels, which she decided to put back in the box to transport home later. As she was pulling the rest of the patterned tissue paper out of the box a card fell onto the floor.

She bent down to pick the card up but a masculine hand grabbed it before she could. She stood up to see that Seong Joon had come down from the roof. He looked at her, the box in her hands, the shoes on her feet and then down at the card in his own hand. There was an uncommonly long moment of silence between them as he read whatever was inscribed there and then looked, very slowly, back up at her. The corner of his mouth twitched, and there was something about his eyes. He seemed troubled, but in a new and different way from his troubles about the deadline and the looming threat of shut down. Then the look was gone so quickly she questioned if it had been there at all. He put the card back in the shoebox and said, “Those are pretty.”

“I don’t know where they came from,” Hye Jin said, “Someone had them delivered for me.”

Out of nowhere, and in full voice he asked, “Would you like to have dinner with me?” startling her with his directness. With effort she managed to keep from looking around to see if anyone was watching them, but she heard a distinctive melodramatic gasp from Han Seol who must have been witnessing the exchange from elsewhere in the room. In what wasn’t quite a tone of command he said again, “Have dinner with me tonight. I have to drop the proofs at the printer’s by 6, but then I’ll be finished for the day. Will you wait for me?”

Biting her lip she felt her color rising again. Not trusting herself to look anywhere but directly into his face, she made a noise that sounded like yes.

“Okay,” he said, “I’ll pick you up at your apartment.” With that, Seong Joon returned to his office.

Mortified she slipped back into her desk, feeling eyes on her. She set the shoebox beside her monitor, forgetting briefly what she had been doing. After staring blankly at the screen, shocked by Seong Joon’s invitation, disturbed by his entire affect as he had given it, she remembered the card in the box and pulled it back out.

Once she’d read it, she looked up, through the glass walls of Seong Joon’s office and saw that his eyes were on her. Gaging her reaction to the card. When their eyes met, he held her gaze for a moment. The expression on his face was impossible to name, but she thought she understood his sudden need to ask her very publicly on a dinner date. His need to claim her, so to speak, in front of the others. Trembling as she did so, she put the card back in the shoebox and put the box away in a drawer.

She looked back in Seong Joon’s direction, but the glass had been turned opaque, obscuring her view. She felt cold, also somehow disappointed in herself. Like she’s lost a game she hadn’t realized she was playing.

She pulled the card back out of her desk and read it again.

It was handwritten and unsigned. 

All it said was: “Don’t limp or crawl, Jackson. Wherever you want to go, fly there in these.”


	5. Law of Luck

Shin Hyeok didn’t know if he believed in luck. He doubted it. If things like fortune and fate existed they seemed something for other people to meddle with, nothing to do with him.

_More likely_ , he thought, _saying someone had good or bad luck was a way of imposing meaning on otherwise random events_. Like he would apply plot to a list of facts and circumstances to create a story. Drawing lines between distant points of light to create constellations. Narrative was comforting, even when it was artificial.

He tried to impose meaning on his decision to stay and help Most. It was just to see which direction fortune’s door would swing. It was because it bothered him to leave things unfinished. It was because he had promised Seong Joon, who was his friend. But trying to justify it was a trap, and such justifications always came by the handful. If he indulged in them his tenure at Most would stretch out indefinitely. Until vain hope ripened, inevitably, to bitterness.

With all that in mind Shin Hyeok had prepared two versions of a resignation letter and tucked them into the breast pocket of what he could only assume was an expensive suit jacket—he hadn’t purchased it himself so he couldn’t be sure. One was composed in a suitably regretful tone for if the magazine failed, one in a characteristically self-congratulatory spirit for if they succeeded in over taking New Look and securing the top spot.

He had ways of finding out before the official announcement was made that day at the office, but he decided it was more fun going into the ending without peaking at the last page.

The mood at Most was unexpectedly somber when Shin Hyeok strode through the double doors and took his seat.

The 20th anniversary edition was out for almost a full week now, but still the staff seemed to be in the white-knuckled intensity of a still looming deadline. _Nobody even knows at this point that we’re a hair’s breadth from being discontinued._ Nobody except for Seong Joon and Jackson, presumably Ra Ra and himself. But he supposed the staff was sensitive to the atmosphere, that sense of foreboding.

A quarter of 10 everyone gathered in the conference room for the morning meeting. Cha Sunbae and the Deputy Editor were standing at the front of the room, waiting for everyone to settle in and give them their complete attention.

“The initial sales results are in,” Editor Cha began. She stepped back, handing a significant looking folder to Seong Joon for him to complete the announcement.

He took that folder and opened it, silently reading through the data although no doubt he had been the first to see it that morning. He looked like he’d been several times through the wringer. An ominous silence settled over the room until people began to squirm. Looking slowly up and around, as though he needed to re-anchor himself to that room and moment, he said, “We’re on top.” Without any of the enthusiasm that such a statement would generally warrant.

The dissonance between his tone and the happy news he was delivering left the room in stunned silence. Shin Hyeok led the way smiling and saying, “Good work team. You worked hard.” He started a slow clap and from his start the rest of the Most staff followed with hesitant applause, including Seong Joon. He then thanked them for their work. Cha Sunbae specifically mentioned the inclusion of Jackson’s short interview piece and congratulated her on the use of her theme of secondary characters, saying that the theme had resulted in a very unique edition and helped to drive sales. Jackson bowed and blushed and avoided the Deputy Editor’s eyes, which were on her when they weren’t staring into space.

After the brief round of congratulations and thanks, Seong Joon had Cha Sunbae report on the continued planning process for the new edition. “It’s crucial that we maintain our momentum—”

Everyone jumped as an exuberant Ra Ra entered the room with a piercing, “ _Bon journo_!” She was wearing a violently pink sequin dress with a animal print faux-fur wrap around her neck. Lifting her block of bangs out of eyes she surveyed the Most staff with her wild smile. In a nearly comprehensible hybrid patter of Korean and poor Italian she said, “ _Bambini_ , you have overcome the competition in _scintillio_ , _brilliante_ fashion. _Bravissimo_! Tonight we will celebrate in a most Most-like way.” In theatrical style she produced her gold card out of her sleeve. “Now we must treat everyone to something delicious. Mustn’t we, _amore mio_?” She directed this last at Seong Joon.

“What?” He squinted at her, his lips twisted distastefully. He was in no mood for her histrionics. “Yes, of course there should be a company dinner. Whatever you think is best.”

“And you will come too, of course?” she said. The way Kim Ra Ra looked at Seong Joon was nothing short of predatory.

He looked at her like he’d much rather take a flying leap out his office window, but said, “Whatever you want.”

Scattered cheering went around the room, although mostly led by Poong Ho and Shin Hyeok, alike in their love of free food. Kim Ra Ra seemed likely to fall into one of her long, often irrelevant, speeches that always managed to be equal parts endearing and vaguely insulting. However, Seong Joon, who was still squinting in a way that suggested that even looking at her was giving him a thought scrambling headache, managed to get her to cut it short and leave them to finish the meeting.

Shin Hyeok returned to his desk not feeling satisfied, as he had hoped to be, by the news. When no one was near enough to snoop, he pulled out one of the two resignations letters and filled out an envelope neatly. He planned to present it to Seong Joon when he turned in his proposal for a feature he was working on, what would be the last piece he would ever write for Most.

He was going to miss the excitement of magazine work. But he also knew that when he thought ‘excitement’ it was a sort of shorthand for the thing about Most that he would really be missing. _I’ve got to get out of here. If I’ve got any chance of saving friendships, I need to go away for a little while._

As if to add emphasis to his thoughts, as he started to walk his proposal to Seong Joon’s office, he saw Jackson gathering up what looked to be a lunch in variously sized plastic containers and a large silver thermos she must have brought from home. Cradling the lot in her arms she went into the Deputy Editor’s office.

Frowning deeply, pretending that had been his destination all along, he went to the break area and made a cup of coffee. He tried not to watch the two of them together, and did pretty well, although he put too much sugar in and could only drink a quarter of the cup, it was so cloyingly sweet. He returned to his desk, looking over his proposal one more time, spotting a passive sentence construction he could lose and correcting it. Not sure what else to do with himself he started going through his desk and throwing away things he wouldn’t need to take with him.

It felt good, he told himself. He wasn’t in the habit of staying in one place for very long. He only looked over his shoulder twice. Jackson seemed to be busy serving up side dishes. He saw her open the thermos, and the contents let off a pleasant plume of steam. She picked up some rolled egg in her chopsticks and held it out for Seong Joon to eat.

For once Shin Hyeok didn’t feel hungry at the sight of food.

________________________________________  
After the lunch hour, Jackson was sent out of the office on an errand that was probably rightfully Han Seol’s, and Shin Hyeok had his chance to talk to Seong Joon alone. Shin Hyeok paused in the doorway, but Seong Joon signaled him to come in and sit.

The Deputy Editor was on the phone, as he seemed to be constantly, pacing quickly up and down the width of his office. When he passed the desk from time to time he would flip his small silver sandglass, never letting the sand in either side run out completely.

“I understand.” He was speaking in English. “I know that. Of course, I’m not saying the work at the magazine is over but…yes, but I was told three months.” Shin Hyeok was tempted to step out in spite of Seong Joon’s invitation. As the one side of the conversation he could hear progressed the Deputy Editor’s agitation increased noticeably. “No, but that isn’t what I was told when you sent me. When I took the position…no…no…I understand that.”

Shin Hyeok saw the hand Seong Joon was holding his phone in had begun to tremble, and then he raised his voice for the first time. “If that was the case I should have been told three months ago when I—No, I’m not resigning my position…Of course I will do my best. Yes, if you want we can talk about it more later.”

The call ended abruptly then, and when Seong Joon took the handset away from his ear Shin Hyeok thought for a moment that he would hurl it across the room. He settled for dropping it with a loud smack onto his desk.

“I really can come back in an hour.” Shin Hyeok said, as much to remind Seong Joon that he wasn’t alone in the room as anything else. In his hands he held a folder with his final feature proposal. His resignation letter tucked inside, but now he didn’t know if he should turn it in. Seong Joon had paused in his frenetic pacing leaning heavily on his desk. Taking deep and ragged breaths, his shoulders shook his face was colorless.

“It’s okay.” He said, “What did you need?” But as he was straightening up he doubled over suddenly, groping for a nearby trash bin. Picking it up to wretch in.

Thinking quickly Shin Hyeok dashed forward and grabbed the remote for the electric blinds, giving the Deputy Editor some privacy, looking to the door to make sure there was no one coming.

“Are you alright?” He asked.

Seong Joon didn’t answer, only nodded weakly.

“Sure, I get it.” Shin Hyeok walked around and put a hand on his shoulder, “Come on, let’s get you out of here before someone comes in.” Seong Joon tried to shake him off and protest but Shin Hyeok cut him off, “You want Hye Jin to come back and see you in this state?”

With that Seong Joon let Shin Hyeok lead him through his office and out into the hall outside of Most. Putting an arm around his shoulder to keep him upright, Shin Hyeok pretended to jab the Deputy Editor in the ribs like they were sharing a private joke. They went up one floor to an executive bathroom with a door that locked.

When they were safe from curious onlookers, Seong Joon promptly threw up again in the sink. Shin Hyeok averted his eyes saying, “A shame about that homemade lunch.”

He heard Seong Joon turn on the faucet. “Yeah, you’re telling me.” After taking a moment to splash water on his face and recover his composure Seong Joon straightened up and they’re eyes met in the mirror. “Thanks for getting me out of there. It’s embarrassing to be seen like this.” He said.

“You want to tell me what that was all about? Something New York is doing?”

“They say I need to stay on with Most Korea for at least 6 more months. If we can’t maintain the progress we’ve made then they’re going to discontinue the magazine. They say we can’t determine how much I’ve really helped the magazine, because boost from the special edition is ‘representative’.” He laughed bitterly. “So my head’s on the chopping block for at least another 6 months and I don’t know…I don’t know what to do.”

It hurt to watch him. The pain on his face was palpable.

“Are you going to tell the staff?”

“I don’t have much of a choice now. It’s beginning to seem like they were set on discontinuing us all along. I should at least give everyone a chance to find other work before we’re all laid off.”

“Or you could give them a chance to mobilize and put out a better magazine.”

“Is that what you see happening?” Seong Joon asked, his voice despairing.

“I thought I told you. I’m in this until the end. I’m a crazy idiot who likes to jump into a game with all the odds against me. If we hang out long enough, you’ll learn to be that way too. I promise. I’m not giving up on this until it’s over, and I won’t let you do that either.”

Seong Joon didn’t say anything to this immediately, just bent over the sink again and rinsed out her mouth out with some more cold water. Then, still pale, he turned and looked at Shin Hyeok, “Have you been holding out on me? Is there something you can do to save the magazine that we haven’t done already?”

“You never know. I’m full of surprises.” Silently, though, Shin Hyeok wondered if he really meant it when he said he was in this until the end. _How far am I really willing to go to keep my promise to the two of them?_ Changing the subject he said, “How’s your body? Have you talked to Hye Jin-sshi about it?”

“I’m fine.”

“My eyes tell me otherwise. Are you keeping down anything these days, or are you putting on a show eating for Hye Jin’s benefit?”

“Don’t think about my health so much. It makes me uncomfortable.”

Shin Hyeok pushed down his irritation at this and said, “If you agree to get treatment I’ll pay for it all. And I won’t tell anybody either, it can just be between us. I’ll hire the best people.”

“I wonder where you get the money to make that kind of offer. You do have something up your sleeve, don’t you?”

Rubbing the bristle on his chin Shin Hyeok didn’t meet the Deputy Editor’s eye. All he said was, “Maybe there is something. We’ll have to see.”

________________________________________  
Since Seong Joon had recovered suitably, they left the bathroom and went back to the office separately. They didn’t acknowledge the incident again for the rest of the day. Shin Hyeok did end up turning in his feature proposal, but he didn’t mention that it was his last. He removed his resignation letter from the folder and put it back with its counterpart in his jacket pocket.

Mild buzz and excitement proceeded the team’s celebratory dinner. Everyone arranged how they would get to the restaurant and prepared to leave. Someone asked if Seong Joon would ride together with them, and he only said that he would meet everyone there later on.

Dinner ended up being a bizarre affair, mostly dominated by Ra Ra’s odd sense of storytelling. They decided not to wait to order when the Deputy Editor didn’t arrive right away, thinking he must have been caught up in an errand or task related to the magazine and would, of course, be running later. When the food arrived he still hadn’t shown himself. Kim Ra Ra asked if anyone had called him. Hye Jin offered to do it, and stepped away from the table to make the call.

There was scattered gossip when she left. Han Seol and Jun Woo chattered about the revelation that the intern from the Management Team and Crazy Joon, and Shin Hyeok forced a subject change with a series of bad jokes.

Hye Jin came back looking troubled. They finished eating and the Deputy Editor still hadn’t shown himself. Shin Hyeok noticed several times that she was texting someone under the table, and he wondered if and what kind of response Seong Joon would have been giving.

He wondered if Seong Joon had started feeling sick again, or if there was another call from New York. He wondered when Seong Joon would tell the staff the truth about the magazine. He wondered if he had made a mistake in deciding to see things through. He wondered if he should really leave Jackson alone with her thoughts. But beyond wondering, he felt paralyzed and said nothing.

The decision was made to meet at a karaoke bar across the street and continue the evening. As they walked over and settled in he noticed that Hye Jin couldn’t stop staring at her phone.

It was Shin Hyeok’s turn to sing when he noticed Kim Hye Jin had quietly slipped out of the room. He finished a shaky rendition of his selection, though his heart wasn’t in it, and quickly handed the mic off to someone else, mumbling a vague excuse and following her.

At first he didn’t see her, but on one dark end of the hallway, near the entrance to the stairwell, he caught sight of her pacing the width of the hall, her phone to her ear. As she approached he heard her sigh, end her call and try again.

“You can’t get a hold of Seong Joon? He’s not answering his phone?”

“No,” she said, “It just rings and rings and goes to voicemail.”

“Did you two fight?” Shin Hyeok asked, trying to gauge what, if anything, she knew at this point. If Seong Joon had taken his advice and talked to her about what was going on with him, she gave no sign of it. Hye Jin only shook her head in response to his question. In the uneven light of the karaoke bar her eyes had started to gleam wetly, and Shin Hyeok thought she might cry.

“Come on, you won’t have any peace until you see him. I’ll get my keys and drive you to his place.”

He began to retreat to find his coat but she said. “No. Don’t.”

“Why?”

“I’ll get a taxi. I appreciate it, but I can’t accept your help.”

“Why not? I thought we’d decided to be friends. Friends help each other.”

Without warning Hye Jin stepped forward, put her arms out and hugged him. Her embrace was brief, but tight, and left him frozen in place, watching her expression changing.

“I’m thankful, but stop.” She didn’t look him in the eye. “If Seong Joon is mad at me, I’ve given him a reason. I think you were right before. When you said we couldn’t be friends. I should have listened to you then. No more picking me up at odd places. Or driving me to see Seong Joon. No more welcome gifts. No more shoes or writing lessons. It’s confusing…” She stopped, and swallowed hard, “for Seong Joon. It’s all well and good between us, because I know you’re just joking with me and playing around. I know you’re just worried about me and being a good orabeoni. But I think we’re hurting him. So I have to stop depending on you like that. I do it so much I forget I’m doing it.”

“Ah,” Shin Hyeok was rarely speechless. When his mind swam helplessly, like it did now, his mouth filled the empty space, covering for his injury with noise. “Seong Joon is confused? Because you and I are such…close friends.” He said it through his teeth.

“You understand what I’m saying, right?”

“We should revert to something safer, then. Like acquaintances who work together. A professional relationship. Like I might chance to see you at company events such as this one. We can make small talk, like we’re doing now. Low key. Got it."

“Editor…”

Although his job title was her preferred form of address, at that moment it seemed like she was purposely avoiding his first name.

Before she could be apologetic he blurted, “Okay…okay.” plastering a big grin on his face, a sad attempt to maintain his pride. “Just call a cab and go. Let’s not keep him waiting. If there’s more to say we can say it later. I’ll see you Monday, since we’re workplace acquaintances and all.”

And feeling like his chest was so heavy that if he kept standing in front of her he’d begin to sink into the dirty linoleum floor, he turned around and walked away. After he had rounded two corners at random he pulled out his phone and dialed up Ha Ri.  
After the fourth ring she answered.

“I’m going crazy. If you are going to drink with me I’ll see you at the usual place.”

________________________________________

“Confusing. That was the word she picked.” Shin Hyeok started. They were sitting outside the convenience store. Ha Ri had wanted beer but Shin Hyeok had opted for soju and she was politely pouring for him. “Not that it was confusing for her, but that It was confusing Seong Joon.”

“Maybe he said something about it. You do spend an awful lot of time together. It’s only natural that he might get jealous.”

Shin Hyeok threw back another shot and held out the little paper cup for her to fill it again. He laughed bitterly, “Jealous. What reason does he have to be jealous? What is confusing about me helping her go to see _him_? Call me crazy but I think the message is pretty clear.”

“You can’t help your feelings. Maybe he sees you to together and feels threatened. Context doesn’t matter.”

“But we’ve talked about this. I told him I would support them. I’ve kept my promise not to tell Hye Jin anything to make her worry about him. If I really wanted to come between them, wouldn’t I be trying to make him look bad? Undermine him somehow? I’m even doing everything I can to help him save the magazine so he can propose to her. I don’t know how to get more out of his way.”

His cup was empty again and he held it out to Ha Ri for more liquor. When none was forthcoming he glanced up, catching sight of Ha Ri’s face. Only then did he realize what he’d said.

“God, I’m so sorry, Ha Ri.”

“He’s going to propose?”

“I said it without thinking.”

“It’s better to know, isn’t it?” she said. It was her turn to laugh without humor. He held out his hand for the bottle and poured for Ha Ri. She tossed it back, shuddering. Shin Hyeok remembered how he had felt when Seong Joon had told him, and tried to think of how he would have wanted to be comforted at that moment.

“Listen, it’s okay. You don’t have to look so sorry for me.”

“A fine support system I turned out to be. Here I am trying to make myself feel better and I end up making us both feel worse. Are you really okay?”

“No, but I shouldn’t be right? Don’t feel bad. You are helping. You might not realize it, but it’s comforting just to remember that feeling this way is common. Very common. When you think of it, the odds are slanted against falling in love at all. Don’t you think? To expect the person you love to love you back is almost greedy. I think that’s why people try to force it. They try to make love out of something else and end up hurting each other.”

“I don’t know that I’ve ever thought about it. Have you done that? Tried to force it?”

“Me? No. Maybe the opposite, actually. I wouldn’t try at all before. Even when I liked someone, I would make it into a game. I just played because I saw what happened to my parents when they tried to force it, and I promised I’d never put myself through that. I decided I wasn’t capable of it, maybe I had decided it didn’t exist. That’s why love snuck up on me, and I acted like a lunatic when it caught me.”

Shin Hyeok watched Ha Ri’s expression carefully, she took another drink. Her eyes shone, not unlike how Hye Jin’s had when she’s said, “it’s confusing.” The way she was looking at him, like tears were just barely dammed up behind a smile, was the same. It was the first time he had noticed that in they’re years of being friends and living together Ha Ri and Hye Jin had started to look alike at times and shared many mannerism. He felt a sense of gratitude from her that also reminded him of Jackson, like she was happy to just be able to give vent to her feelings.

The whole thing made him feel dreadfully shallow and immature for throwing a tantrum.

“I think I’m not in any rush to cut off my feelings for him.” She said while he was still lost in these thoughts, “Because it’s the first time. I want to hang on to it, the way I think about him, at least for a little longer. So long as I don’t act on it, it’s not hurting anyone just to feel this way, is it? And there’s a part of me, a very small part—I’m no saint—that can be happy for them even as I’m sad for myself. Because they found each other and they’ve been waiting for such a long time. Seong Joon needs someone as good as Hye Jin. I’m glad she’s there to comfort him.”

“How am I supposed to continue feeling bitter and wronged after a speech like that?”

She laughed at this, “I don’t know. Let’s not take me too seriously. I probably won’t feel nearly this philosophical in an hour or so.” She gestured for him to hold out his cup. “Here, keep drinking.”

Shin Hyeok did, obediently, but inwardly he was thinking that what Hye Jin had needed most when she’d rejected his help at the karaoke bar, was for someone to tell her she was right and that it was okay. And for someone to hug her.

He wasn’t that person. But maybe, if he finished the first bottle of _soju_ and started the next, he could simply be grateful that she had Seong Joon to do that for her. He could imagine, like Ha Ri, that feeling this way about another person was special enough on its own.

Ha Ri’s phone rang and she swallowed down her feelings with two deep breaths before answering, “Oh, Hye Jin-ah,” she said, trying to smile through the receiver.

Ha Ri’s faced dropped as she paused to listen. Her mouth working without words. “What…do we do? Should I go there? Uh huh…I can’t drive you because…oh, you already called…” Shin Hyeok stood from his place and walked around the table, squatting down beside her and talking a hold of her hand in case she became lightheaded. She looked very pale.

Then she said, “What hospital are you going to?” and his own pulse quickened. “Okay. I’ll meet you there.”

Shin Hyeok’s eyes were wide when he asked, “What’s going on?” Ha Ri’s call disconnected and she looked helplessly into Shin Hyeok’s face. “Was there an accident? Is Hye Jin okay?”

Without being able to say a word in reply, Ha Ri only looked at him, and broke down into helpless tears.


	6. Near From A Distance

Hye Jin watched Shin Hyeok’s back as he walked away from her.

He turned the corner and disappeared without looking back, and it took everything she had in her not to run after him and apologize. _This is the right thing_ , she was telling herself. _This is the only way to get him out of my head. I can’t repeat what happened outside the hospital._

But even though she knew this was right, it made her miserable.

Looking back down at her phone she hit the home button and saw that she didn’t have any new messages or missed calls. Her messenger was a long string of texts to Seong Joon without reply. Delivered but never read. His phone was definitely on, so where was he and why wasn’t he answering? It was out of character.

She had the woman at the front desk call a cab for her, and directed the driver to take her to Seong Joon’s place. On the ride over she was clicking her teeth so hard he jaw started to ache. At his door she bounced on the balls of her feet without knocking. 

Although she had been doing so obsessively for the last 20 minutes, she still checked her phone one more time. All her messages were still marked as unread. _What if he’s just sleeping_? Her hand hovered inches from the wood in a moment of indecision.

She tried to call one more time, she listened to it begin to ring. Tilting her head she moved the phone away from her ear. She thought she heard the strains of “Close to You” by the Carpenters, Seong Joon’s ringtone. She immediately hung up and called again, pressing her ear to the door to listen. Faintly but distinctly she heard his phone ringing on the other side. He was definitely home.

“Seong Joon-ah?” She called, finally knocking, “Can you hear me? Ji Seong Joon!”

With her ear against the door again she listened. There was no sign of movement on the other side. She paused for the space of another breath and entered his door code, letting herself into his place.

The apartment was almost completely dark. The only source of light was coming from her left. After a moment of confusion she realized it was coming from the open refrigerator door. The interior of the refrigerator was immaculate, not least of all because it was completely bare. Not even a stick of butter or a jar of chili paste, like it was the floor model in a department store. She simply stared at it for a moment, her mouth hanging open. She stepped closer, to close the door, but at the edge of her vision she spotted a huddled form on the floor just outside the triangle of light thrown by the fridge.

“Oh God…” She scrambled for a light switch, forgetting in her panic where it was.

Under the fluorescents of the kitchen Seong Joon was laid out on the floor unconscious, blood running from his nose and pooling on the floor. She dropped onto her knees beside him, pulling his head into her lap; she held her hand over his mouth to be sure that he was still breathing.

“Seong Joon? Can you hear me? Hang on. Hang on for me.” She said breathlessly, dialing 119 with her left hand, cradling his head with her right.

The operator picked up and she stutteringly told them the address and the room number. The voice on the other side of the phone was asking what kind of emergency she had and whether Seong Joon was conscious. She was beginning to say that he wasn’t when his body stiffened and his eyes snapped open.

“Wait, he is conscious.” She said. The operator instructed her to try to help him stay awake if she was able, but not to move him. When they said an ambulance would be dispatched and she’d been given permission to disconnect she hung up, looking down into Seong Joon’s face. “Are you okay?”

Panting several times before he could speak, he said, “Hye…Hye Jin-ah.”

“Yes? I’m here now. What happened?”

“I won’t let them take you from me, again. I won’t let them. They’re going to try to take you away from me.”

“What are you saying? I’m not going anywhere. You collapsed. It’s okay now. I’ve got you.”

Without warning he grabbed her arm. His grip was painful, “No. I can’t lose you again. I won’t.” He buried his face in her shirt, repeating, “I won’t.” over and over again.

It took twenty minutes for the EMTs to arrive. She was lightheaded, as she followed the gurney downstairs. His blood was on her clothes and hands. They let Hye Jin ride with them in the ambulance, and Seong Joon wouldn’t release her hand all the way to the hospital. Tightening and loosening his grip spasmodically, saying things that made no sense.

Pulling up her favorite contacts on her phone, she selected Shin Hyeok’s name without thinking. She stared at the call button, feeling irrationally that if she could hear his voice somehow everything would be okay. With difficulty she backed out and pulled up Ha Ri’s number instead.

Something inside her still protesting, she called. “Ha Ri, listen. Something…something happened to Seong Joon.”

________________________________________

“Alright.” Editor Cha said loudly, dropping a stack of books on Hye Jin’s desk with a grunt and holding one up to show the room. “Each of you, take a copy.” The books were bound in bright primary colors, the majority in yellow. Hye Jin looked at the top book and found that she recognized it. It was by Ten, the famously reclusive author. The title was _Memory_ , blocked English letters with the Hangul version and tagline beneath. Stacked under half a dozen copies of _Memory_ were several of Ten’s older novels as well.

“Everyone on this floor needs to pick up a book and read it. Look for themes, motifs, symbols. Anything you think you could incorporate into your current projects to make them cohesive. I want Jun Woo , Poong Ho and Kim Hye Jin to work on interview proposals based on _Memory_ and turn them in to me by the end of next week.

There was some confused murmuring as a few people walked up to Hye Jin’s desk and grabbed a book each. Hye Jin picked up one of the copies of _Memory_ and cracked the cover, peaking at the dedication. It was “To Mom and Dad” and she smiled to herself at the simplicity.

Han Seol started to shriek excitedly, pressing both her hands to her mouth, “Did we get an interview with the author? Are we interviewing Ten?”

This caused a stir, and Hye Jin perked up, curious. She had never read any of Ten’s work. Poong Ho had, she knew, and she’d seen some of the beauty and fashion team girls passing around the novel she was holding now. She’s been told several times they would let her borrow it, but somehow it had never made it into her hands and she’d forgotten all about it.

“Nothing is for sure yet.” Editor Cha was saying, “I have all this second hand from New York. Han Seol , put the phone down. I don’t want to see any of you spreading this around on your SNS. Not until I give you permission. If I can get assurances on that I can tell you what I know so far.”

She paused here, and the room went silent, focusing on her next statement, “We have received correspondence from Ten’s publisher in Korea. They are offering Most a series of 3 interviews surrounding the promotion of Ten’s new novel. And, as of what I was told this morning, the third interview will reveal Ten’s real name and face.”

There was a collective intake of breath as the news hit.

“So that means that we might be meeting Ten?” Jun Woo said in awed tones.

“Whether we will meet the author or merely correspond with the publishing company and print what they send us isn’t clear yet. I’m sure all of that will be discussed before we can start working. That’s why we need to begin our research now, because I don’t have time to do it all myself. The three of you are going to do it for me”

Hye Jin spoke up for the first time, “Wait, we’re doing the interview proposal? Me too?”

“It’s all hands to battle stations, Kim Hye Jin-sshi. You’ve shown yourself to be capable and you requested to stay on my team. This is the sort of thing you’re going to have to learn to do.”

Poong Ho chimed in. “But we’re not even that kind of magazine. We’re a fashion and beauty magazine. Why would Ten want to use us for something this big?”

“You know everything I know.” Editor Cha said, some irritation beginning to show in her voice.

“What about Editor Kim, though? He specializes in this sort of thing. Why split it between the three of us?”

“Shin Hyeok has turned down the assignment. He said he will work on anything I care to give him, but not the Ten interview.”

“But why?” Poong Ho continued, bouncing his back scratcher on his palm thoughtfully.

Editor Cha only shrugged and moved off in the direction of Seong Joon’s former office, which she was occupying for the time being.

“Editor,” Hye Jin said, following her in.

“Let’s not argue about your abilities, Hye Jin. You’ll do fine and anything you don’t know you can ask Jun Woo or Poong Ho.”

“That’s not it,” she said, “Where is he? Editor Kim, I mean. I have barely seen him in the office this week.” Not really knowing how to frame the question in a way that was entirely exposing, she said, “Is he well?”

“He’s asked for some time off. He put the request in ages ago, so I’m sure he’s fine. I asked if he could postpone his vacation, and he said he couldn’t. But he’s turning in his assignments electronically, so there’s not much I can say,” Editor Cha had been distractedly putting a number of file folders in order as she spoke, but she paused here and looked up, “I would have thought you’d know all this. You’re closer to him than any of us.”

Hye Jin looked down, “We are close, but…”

Cha Sunbae waved her hand to stop her, “Don’t tell me. Better I don’t know the ins and outs of office romances. So long as your personal life doesn’t make us miss deadlines. Speaking of which, how is Deputy Editor Ji?”

Hye Jin bit her knuckle nervously, and said, “He’s doing well. He seems a lot better.”

“Will you see him tomorrow?”

Hye Jin smiled and said, “Yes, I’m driving down tomorrow morning.”

“If you think of it, thank him for me. I don’t know how he’s managing it from where he’s at, but even during his leave of absence he’d still managing to help the magazine.”

“You mean the interview? Did he arrange it?”

“It must have been him. I don’t know who else could swing it. Anyway, you should go back to what you were doing. Was there something else I could help you with?”

Hye Jin had more questions she wanted to ask. Why would Shin Hyeok decline a prestigious interview like this? When was he coming back? But she went back to her desk and her work.

________________________________________

A lot had happened in the month since Seong Joon’s health crisis forced him to step temporarily out of his position.

The truth had, by necessity, finally come out to the staff about the dire shape the magazine was in. Everyone had been shocked and upset by the news that the magazine might be discontinued, and a few people had even turned in resignation letters. Cha Sunbae was among the angriest, that they had been working in the dark all this time, not realizing that they were all a bad sales month away from unemployment. At that time Shin Hyeok did a lot to finesse people who were considering leaving the magazine before it sank, and unifying the team in the name of saving Most.

After seeing that, Hye Jin asked if she could make her loan to Most permanent. Before, she always thought she would eventually go back to the management team, even when Seong Joon had asked if she wanted to stay. Now she was committed to trying her best with these people for as long as she could. Even if that meant going back to job hunting when Most went under.

It was also her way of looking after the place for Seong Joon, until he was able to return.

Hye Jin only knew bits and pieces about Seong Joon’s true situation. She went to the hospital every day until Seong Joon was released. She spent a lot of that time in the waiting area down the hall from his room. She was neither family nor wife and Hye Jin suspected that Seong Joon requested her not to be allowed in the room when he was with his doctors. She didn’t have the right to pry further than Seong Joon would allow her in. But still she heard things while she waited to see him. “Anorexia” was one word she heard frequently, “nervous breakdown” the other popular phrase.

She researched on her own.

To aid his recovery, Seong Joon had moved into a private residential facility several hours out of Seoul where he could have quiet and privacy. A nurse and nutritionist were on staff at the house. A doctor of psychiatric medicine lived nearby and Seong joon had five sessions with him weekly. The house where he was staying was elegantly appointed, with most traces of it’s clinical nature hidden cleverly away. It felt more like a vacation home than a medical facility. The atmosphere made Hye Jin uncomfortable, like she was in a high end hospice, and she wondered secretly how Seong Joon was affording such arrangements.

The Seong Joon’s explanation for everything was that he had overworked himself to the point of mental and physical exhaustion, in a way that eventually took its toll on his body, that he was sorry, that he was getting better and not to worry. As for the VIP living arrangement, he implied that his family was paying for the treatment. Hye Jin wasn’t simpleminded and knew there was something more complicated to it than what Seong Joon would admit. But between his natural introversion and the stigma surrounding mental illness, neither Seong Joon’s psychological nor his financial state was on the table for discussion.

In spite of all this, Hye Jin was trying. It went beyond trying. She was working hard for him, working to hold everything together.

Once a week she got to go visit him on her day off. Although they could text and talk on the phone, she eagerly looked forward to these visits and built her work week around them. The drive was three hours both ways if the heavy Seoul traffic was cooperative, and if she was able to stay with Seong Joon for any length of time it was well after dark when she got home.

Because Hye Jin had no car of her own, and because Ha Ri worried about her driving that distance alone, her friend always came with her and they split the driving each way. Hye Jin felt guilty accepting Ha Ri’s help, knowing how she felt about Seong Joon. But Ha Ri held the car ransom, saying if they didn’t go together she didn’t go at all and Hye Jin acquiesced.

Ha Ri would always park the car and disappear for two hours, she said she was walking, until Hye Jin was ready to head back to the city. Hye Jin had urged her to come inside, at least once, but she never would.

As for Shin Hyeok, he was more like a flicker Hye Jin spotted from time to time out of the corner of her eye, than the loud, unruly feature editor who had befriended her some four months earlier. She saw him at work, although infrequently. When he wasn’t taking personal leave he was working as much as possible off site and turning in his work remotely. She saw him from time to time outside of her job, but their frequent visits to the pojangmacha were a thing of the past. When she saw him socially it was only as Ha Ri’s frequent companion and drinking buddy.

He and Ha Ri had continued to see each other regularly after their blind date. Hye Jin asked Ha Ri again if they were dating, and she always denied it. She said that they were only friends and Shin Hyeok was easy to talk to. All of Hye Jin’s charitable and optimistic impulses told her that this was fine, normal and healthy. But when Ha Ri said Shin Hyeok was just a friend, the sour thing wrapped around Hye Jin’s heart heard, “He’s my friend now, because you can’t be.” When Ha Ri said Shin Hyeok was easy to talk to, that bitter inclination which she wouldn’t give a name to heard, “There are now some things I can’t tell you that I can tell him freely. We have an understanding.”

Hye Jin would combat that sour voice in her heart by playfully insinuating that Ha Ri and Shin Hyeok thought they were having a secret affair, but she saw through them. She would then excuse herself from the table hastily and lie on her bed staring at the ceiling until she found sleep. And even when sleep did come, Shin Hyeok’s smile came into her dreams with it, making her restless. Frequently waking her well before dawn.

________________________________________

When Hye Jin made it home Ha Ri was huddled on the couch with a fever, under a mountain of blankets. She was watching an American movie on the television and sniffling. Though, whether this was from the movie or the flu, Hye Jin wasn’t sure.

“Ha Ri-ah, if you’re feeling poorly got to bed.”

“I tried sleeping,” she said, her voice muffled by the goose-down duvet she’s brought from her room. “I kept on shivering so I came out here. I’m sorry, Hye Jin, I don’t think I’m going to be fit to drive you tomorrow.”

“It’s out of the question anyway. Even if you wanted to, you have to rest tomorrow.” Hye Jin said, using her maternal tone of voice and going into the kitchen to make Ha Ri some rice porridge. “I’ll figure out something on my own. You’ll let me borrow your car right?”

“The first time you did the drive on your own, it almost killed you. Didn’t you tell me you almost dozed off on your way back and had to open all the windows to keep yourself aware? Your fingers were blue from cold when you got home.”

“Don’t be dramatic. We were up against a deadline at Most so I was over tired. I’m more than capable of driving myself. I’ll cut my visit a little short, that’s all.”

Hye Jin finished the cooking, dishing up a bowl for herself and finishing Ha Ri’s movie with her. Although the subtitles made her cross-eyed and she started nodding before the credits rolled. Ha Ri fell asleep on the couch, and Hye Jin made sure she was covered up and turned on a space heater to keep her warm before she took herself wearily to bed. Although she had insisted she was fine, and never would have complained to Ha Ri, she was disappointed to have to make the trip alone. Not just because she would have to cut her time with Seong Joon in half to make it back safely. Solo road trips always made her wistful and depressed, and she loved having someone to talk to and gawk at the scenery with.

She woke up out of a deep sleep the next morning to the sound of her doorbell ringing.

Blearily she shuffled her feet to the front door in a florescent pink t-shirt and yoga pants and opened it to see Shin Hyeok standing there, looking at her with a bemused expression.

“Am I early?” He asked.

“What are you doing here?” Hye Jin replied, surprised.

“You needed a driver, didn’t you? Ha Ri said you wanted me to pick you up at 7.” He looked down at his watch, “It's 7 now. You did say 7, right?”

“She said _I wanted_ —” Hye Jin turned and looked to where Ha Ri was still on the living room couch, stretching. She waved at Shin Hyeok. “Good Morning! Wifey, you’re not showered yet?”

Shin Hyeok glanced between Ha Ri and Hye Jin, raising his eyebrows as he seemed to understand what had happen. “Uh, I’ll be down in the car, okay?” He said, making the okay sigh with both his hands and retreating quickly down the stairs.

________________________________________

Shin Hyeok kept his eyes mostly forward as he drove his car through the city toward the freeway they needed to take out of Seoul.

Hye Jin held her bag–not Shin Hyeok’s welcome present–on her lap, gripping tightly onto the handle. As they merged carefully into the heavy morning traffic, Shin Hyeok finally spoke first. “Jackson, I can hear you clicking you teeth over the radio. I will pay a cab to take you there and back. We can turn around at the next exit.”

“When did you start throwing your money around like that? Did a rich relative die?” The joke fell on silence, and Hye Jin cleared her throat, “No, you don’t need to do that. I don’t hate going with you. I just feel—”

“Burdened? Awkward? Sorry for me?” Shin Hyeok glanced sideways at her and cracked a smile for the first time, “Don’t be. If it bothers you to feel indebted to me, think of it as a favor I’m doing for Ha Ri, since she was the one who asked me.”

“Thank you.” Hye Jin said, “For being good to Ha Ri.”

“Does it make you jealous?”

“What?”

“Of me, I mean. Because I keep monopolizing your wife.”

Hye Jin laughed, a little thinly, “When Ha Ri’s been with you she smiles more. You probably know, she’s naturally cheerful, but lately it’s been…difficult for her. I’m happy that you seem to have the trick of bringing out her old self. At home alone, when she’s not job hunting, she just watches this American film over and over again. What is it called? 10 reasons…10 something…”

“ _10 Things I Hate About You?_ ” Shin Hyeok offered.

“That’s it. You know it?”

“Ha Ri mentioned it. But I saw it a long time ago, actually. I don’t remember it well. I remember Heath Ledger singing. And I associate it with a favorite sonnet of mine. Sonnet 141.”

“I don’t know it.”

Shin Hyeok immediately intoned, “In faith, I do not love thee with mine eyes//For they in thee a thousand error note;//But tis my heart that loves what they despise,//Who, in despite of view, is pleased to dote.” He recited easily from memory, and when he stopped, he glanced at her. He seemed a little embarrassed, “They mention it in the film. It’s sort of indirectly where the title comes from.”

“Not very complimentary is it? Seems kind of insulting, actually.”

“Maybe. It depends on your point of view. It does make love out to be a sort of madness, or at least stupidity. The heart ignores what the senses tell it. Its judgement is based on something separate, unexplainable. What your eyes would perceive as ugly, or foolish, the heart finds beautiful. Like for me, I think to be kind is to be beautiful. The prettiest thing to me is to laugh easily and be unself-conscious…” He went on.

As the conversation went on, Hye Jin was relaxing her grip on the purse, eventually placing it between her feet on the floor. She turned her body slightly so she could watch Shin Hyeok as he spoke. There was something pleasant about his eyes when he spoke animatedly, like now.

“Maybe I would like this movie after all, the way you describe it.”

“It rather suits your fairy tale sensibilities. It’s a kind of Beauty and the Beast story.”

They continued like that as they gradually left the congestion of Seoul behind them, and the landscape began to open up on either side onto fields and suburbs. The smog cleared and Hye Jin found herself smiling at the blueness of the sky, feeling tempted to take a picture. She wondered how she could have ever made herself awkward with this person. How had she done without these conversations for so long?

“See, isn’t this nicer?” He said, when there was a lull.

“What’s nicer?”

“Talking like this, instead of walking on eggshells.”

Hye Jin fell silent, her thoughts speeding ahead of the car to their destination. Feeling a familiar remorse creeping in.

“I wish we could always be comfortable like this. Informal and comfortable.” Shin Hyeok took a deep breath and Hye Jin noticed that this attitude was unusual for him, not at all teasing or flippant. Even since she first got in the car. “If you like I’ll disappear when we get to Seong Joon, and we can pretend like I was never here if you think it would upset him. But let’s be like this for now. This is comfortable, and if it doesn’t cause you any trouble, I’d like it if I could stay near you from a distance.”

“Near...from a distance.” Hye Jin said, testing the phrase in her mouth. It had a strange sort of logic to it. Was it really worth fighting against this, anyway? It would always be easier to be intimate with Shin Hyeok, at ease. Overly at ease. Being distant was the hard thing, the thing that hurt. _And as long as its just here, like this, what harm can it do_?

“Call?”

“Call.“


	7. Ersatz Umbrella

The area where Seong Joon was staying was full of imposing tile roof houses connected by a twining web of narrow roads. It was a favored spot for well off retirees to settle when they had no patience for life in the metropolis anymore. And so it was replete with amenities for the bored wealthy, a rustic inn, a country club, all arranged around a series of inlets and pebble strewn beaches.

Hye Jin was absorbed in what they had been talking about, and looked up sharply when she realized how close they were to their destination.

“Oh, I forgot I was supposed to be directing you.” She said, glancing around for street signs she recognized. As she was still orienting herself, Shin Hyeok made their turn down the narrow street that led into the group of residential houses where Seong Joon was undergoing his rehabilitation.

Hye Jin blinked, surprised. “Have you been here before?”

“Uh…Ha Ri told me to how to get here.”

“Weird, Ha Ri always gets us lost looking for that turn. Even with GPS.” Hye Jin looked at the in dash navigation, which Shin Hyeok had never engaged, and crooked an eyebrow at him. “Ha Ri must be better at giving directions than she is at following them.”

“Must be.” Shin Hyeok shrugged. They dropped the subject. When they arrived Shin Hyeok parked his car on the side of the house near the garden and said he was off to find something fun to do. He would be back to pick her up in a couple hours. Then, Ha Ri’s habit too, he put on his jacket and started strolling up the alley away from her.

Hye Jin came around the side of the building and paused, surprised to see a vehicle parked outside the gate she didn’t recognize. She knew Doctor Lee’s modest white compact but this wasn’t it and he rarely visited on weekends anyway. This car was a big black import, and as she slipped past to reach the intercom and ring the bell she noticed there was a driver catching a nap behind the wheel. Using a chauffeur was too ostentatious for anyone Hye Jin knew—except maybe Ha Ri’s witch of a stepmother. While she pondered whose it might be, one of the resident nurses opened the gate with a screech of hinges, making her jump.

“Oh, hello,” she said, dipping her head, “I’m here to see Ji Seong Joon.”

“Of course, I know you by now Kim Hye Jin-sshi.” The nurse said politely, but he didn’t seem happy to see her. He rubbed the back of his head and didn’t look her in the eye. “I’m sorry, but I can’t let you in today.”

Hye Jin blinked, “What? Why not?”

“I’m really sorry. Ji Seong Joon-sshi told me he wasn’t seeing anyone else today.”

_Anyone else_? Hye Jin looked over her shoulder at the foreign car with its sleeping driver and then back at the nurse. “He told you to turn me away at the gate? He didn’t tell you why?”

The poor nurse only shook his head, clearly uncomfortable delivering this message. Hye Jin said it was okay and that she understood and quickly ducked back around the corner into the garden. She pulled out her phone and called Seong Joon.

The phone rang several times, and for a moment she thought he was going to let her go to voicemail, but he answered, “Hello?”

“I’m outside.”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry? Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. I can’t talk right now.”

“Why can’t you talk?” There was a pause on the other side of the line, and as Hye Jin listened she thought she heard another voice in the room behind him. “Seong Joon-ah?” She heard him excuse himself to someone and then a door closing behind him as he clearly moved into another room.

“I just don’t feel up to it today. I forgot you were coming.”

When she had started the conversation she had been merely confused, sure there was some kind of mistake, but now she was having trouble hiding the distress in her voice. “You knew I was coming. I always come today. Just to get down here I—”

“I know I should have called before you went to the trouble. That’s my fault, I’m sorry.”

“What is that car in front of the house?”

He was silent and then asked, “What car?”

“The big black car outside the house. Whose is it?”

“I don’t know, it’s probably just someone from the neighborhood.”

“It’s directly in front of a gate. There’s a driver inside. Did you father come to see you?”

“I really can’t do this right now, Hye Jin-ah.” At that moment she heard the voice again, this time distinctly. A feminine voice, calling Seong Joon’s name in a familiar way. “I have to go. I’ll call you later, okay? Please?”

Hye Jin only gaped for a moment, so surprised that she didn’t know what to say. But she managed, “Okay, we’ll talk—” before the call disconnected.

________________________________________

Hye Jin stood in the garden for a good quarter of an hour, teetering between anger and tears, trying to make sense of what had just transpired. She held her phone out and tried to fight the desire to call Seong Joon back and demand an explanation.

In fact, she did call again, but his phone had been turned off. Her mind was replaying their conversation, and she kept hearing that unfamiliar woman’s voice. The sound had been muffled but she hadn’t been mistaken. It must have been the person who belonged to the strange car.

_Are you listening to yourself, Hye Jin? Do you think you’re in a melodrama?_

Unwilling to sink to waiting out Seong Joon’s mysterious visitor or to stay in that garden glaring at azaleas, she walked back to Shin Hyeok’s car, but he had locked it and taken his keys with him.

_Now what do I do_? She thought, she had no transportation or any notion of where Shin Hyeok had gone, but he wouldn’t be back for at least another hour and half.

She could have called him, but the whole situation fell irrationally embarrassing to explain to him, and she opted to take herself for a walk instead.

Since she had first seen this village Hye Jin had told Seong Joon that she wanted to explore it with him. There were so many nooks and idyllic hideaways where you could get happily lost in a place like this. Although she tried, at the moment none of it was charming to her. Nothing was inviting. Slowly she ended up working her way to an empty patch of beach, and decided to walk it staring out at the choppy water until she felt strong enough to call Shin Hyeok and tell him they had made the long trip for nothing.

Walking off her disappointment along the rocky beach turned out to be an ill-conceived idea. The sky had turned gray and dreary, and cold air was rolling off the water, chilling her through her clothes.

She wished she had brought a heavier coat, but she hadn’t been expected to be wandering around outside. Also not helping were the silver heels she had paired with what she thought of as her coffee date attire. She had broken them in and could walk around in them without pain or falling over now, for the most part. But the uneven ground was proving a challenge and her heels kept threatening to sink into the soft clay.

After she’d been going along like this in a dejected attitude for about half an hour, she decided it was time to turn back when she heard a shout from behind.

She turned. Moving up the beach from the other direction in his leather jacket, hands deep in pockets, was none other than Shin Hyeok. When she turned to look at him raised one hand and waved, jogging up to meet her.

“I thought that was you, Jackson.” She worked up a smile and greeted him. For the second time that day he looked down at his watch, perplexed. “Your visit is over, already?”

The question sent a fresh wave of hurt washing over her and her eyes watered. Taking a deep rattling breath she nodded, and told him what had happened, excluding the mysterious car and the woman’s voice from her account.

“That seems unlike him,” Shin Hyeok said, frowning.

Hye Jin nodded vehemently, mostly for her own benefit, “Yes, It’s completely out of character. I’m sure he wouldn’t have done that unless he really wasn’t up to seeing me today.”

“You want me to walk back with you?”

“Yeah, I’d like that.” She said, hugging herself.

He draped one arm around her shoulders companionably. He ran hot and helped ward off the chill of the beach. “Aigoo, you know what makes me feel better after a disappointment?”

“What?” She asked, glancing sideways at his grin, “Don’t say food.”

“Of course, food. You want me to buy you something hot before we go back?”

“I should buy you food, since you drove me all the way down here for nothing.”

“Alright, call! Your treat.” She smirked and shook her head at his one track mind, “See, there’s a smile. A weak one, but we’re getting there. In all seriousness, are you okay?”

Hye Jin bit her lip, and thought about it. Slowly she said, “I’m sure it must have been something he couldn’t help. I shouldn’t forget that he’s under treatment and none of this can be easy for him. It must be hard to have me see him here like this, on his best day. And if he was having a really bad one, of course he didn’t want to be like that in front of me.” As she talked through it, she found that she started to feel better, beginning also to believe her own words. “I forget sometimes that it must be hard for him to appear so vulnerable. Seong Joon is the sort of person who wants to shoulder everything on his own. He hates being weak in front of others most of all. Back when we were kids he promised he would come back to me stronger and be my umbrella, so being dependent again…he must hate it. I was only thinking of myself.”

Shin Hyeok was really quiet after she made this speech, making slow progress with her up the beach, and she turned her head to look at him. Instead of where they were going he was looking at her, his expression was soft, the warmest admiration in his eyes.

His gaze was so steady and direct Hye Jin looked quickly away toward the water.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Kind-hearted, Jackson. I’m sorry, it’s just…you’re being very pretty right now.”

She felt color rising to her face. She knew that he was referring to the conversation they’d had in the car, but in spite of that she felt her stomach do somersaults. Pretending to stretch and take in a deep breath, she side stepped from under his arm, even though she was still cold. “The air is nice out here. Refreshing!”

“I’m not putting you on. It’s amazing the way you can think the best of people even when they hurt you.”

“I don’t, though. I get wounded and have uncharitable thoughts all the time. But then I think to myself, ‘aren’t there times when I appeared ugly, awkward or thoughtless to others, when I wish they had given me a second look?’ and then I think again. It’s ordinary for people to judge a book by its cover. I’ve had an attractive cover, and I’ve had a tacky one too. So I’ve felt both sides of it, and I decided I don’t want to be like that. It’s something I had to learn, and I still have to learn.”

“Do you think that’s somehow less admirable?”

She was walking a little ahead of him and turned around walking backwards to look at him. Still, there was nothing joking in his manner. In fact it reminded her, more than anything, of the night he had confessed that he thought of her as a woman.

She shivered, and turned away from him. Keeping up her progress along the beach slightly ahead now.

She felt a pinprick of cold on the back of her hand and her cheek. She looked down at the raindrop and wrinkled her nose. Rain began to lightly patter around them. Hye Jin tried to raise her hands to protect her hair, “I hate the rain.” She said, under her breath.

Shin Hyeok called to her and said, “I saw a picnic shelter near the bed and breakfast over there.” He strode up to meet her, jerking his head in the direction he meant for them to go, and as he did so he peeled off his jacket and held it over her head. “Here use this.”

“Aren’t you cold though?”

“Probably not. Besides, I like it better as an umbrella anyway.”

She looked shyly out from under the jacket, “Do you want to share it then?”

He flashed a wide dimpled smile and said, “Nah, I always kind of liked getting caught in the rain anyway. It’s like an adventure.”

At that point the sky really opened up and the freezing rain became absolutely drenching.

“Come on, quickly.” Shin Hyeok yelled to her, over the sound of thunder. Leading the way to the gazebo at a run.

Hye Jin, ran after him, keeping pace pretty well, holding the leather jacket above her head. As they were nearly the rocky margin of the beach, about to climb over onto the lawn of the B&B, one of her heels sank deep into the clay, and she heard it break with a snap, sending her sprawling to the ground. She yelped, twisting her ankle sharply as she went down, skinning knees and elbows.

“Hye Jin?”

Hye Jin heard Shin Hyeok coming back from her. She was looking down at her mud scuffed hands, the rivulets forming on the ground around her. She carefully rolled onto her side. Holding tightly onto the jacket in one hand, sucking air through her teeth. She looked down at herself and tried to assess the damage.

Shin Hyeok was beside her. “You okay?”

“Yeah. I think I’m okay.” She reached down and pulled the broken shoe off her foot. The ankle was already beginning to swell visibly. The beautiful shoes Ha Ri had given her were irretrievably ruined.  
“Do you think you can walk?”

Hye Jin shook her head, “I don’t know. It hurts.”

“Don’t panic, Jackson, but I’m going to pick you up.” He hooked her legs over his arm and bent his head so she could wrap her arms around his neck as he lifted her. Then with ease he stood up with her and turned back toward the gazebo running with her in his arms to get them out of the rain.

When they reached the shelter he gingerly set her on a bench inside and knelt down to examine her injured ankle. He carefully flexed the ankle up and down to check the range of movement. “It doesn’t look like you broke anything. I wouldn’t put any weight on it, though.”

He sat on his heels and looked up at her. Smiling he said, “Well that was more of an adventure than I bargained for. Does it hurt?”

She shook her head, but felt herself out of breath, ill at ease. She was distressed, but not because of her ankle.

Shin Hyeok nonchalantly looked her over for any other injuries, and then glanced back up at her face. With a short laugh he pointed at her hair, “I can see why you don’t like the rain. A little water and those curls come right back, don’t they? You might need another one of your expensive treatments.”

The low, fast moving clouds parted briefly and filled the bench and gazebo with yellow light. Shin Hyeok looked different to her. She couldn’t help noticing it. In his soaked clothes, gazing up into her face and laughing, holding her bare ankle between his hands with unexpected gentleness. He looked like a man, to her. She didn’t know if it was the rain, or the way his eyes looked when he laughed, or the adrenaline coursing through her body from her run or her twisted ankle, but Hye Jin was feeling something move through her. And she couldn’t do anything to stop it. And she didn’t want to stop it.

A thought, wild and unreasoning as such thoughts often are, passed through her mind. If she had to attach words to it they would have been something like, “Oh, so this is how I feel about you.” But mostly she just felt warm as she looked at him, when there was no rational cause for it.

Instinctively she reached out, pushing his dripping hair away from his forehead, fingers lingering against his skin.

Shin Hyeok’s smile faded slowly, his expression charged with an unaccustomed intensity. Just as quickly as they had opened, the clouds closed back over the sun, draping the world in gloom again.

Hye Jin pulled her hand away, but she couldn’t take back the contact. Leaning nearer, Shin Hyeok took his coat and wrapped it around her shoulders. When he had done so, he kept a hold of the lapels, bringing his face even with hers. Hye Jin thought for a second that he might pull her into his arms. Hye Jin found herself staring at his lips instead of into his eyes. Hye Jin had stopped breathing.

Slowly he said, “You’re shivering,” and she was trembling, but she wasn’t feeling the cold, “I’m…”

“Yes?”

He let go of her suddenly and stood up, looking over her head as if something dreadfully interesting was happening right behind her. He ran his fingers unsteadily through his wet hair and said, “I’m going to go get there car. Wait here.”

Then he sprinted into the downpour without looking back, leaving Hye Jin sitting alone trying to catch her breath.


	8. X's and O's

Shin Hyeok had known Marcus Choi longer than he had been the elusive author Ten.

They had been acquaintances in high school and then ended up rooming together for a year at University. Marcus had been the one to initially suggest that Shin Hyeok move to Korea for a change of environment and to continue working on his craft. Marcus had been the one who told him to try magazine work to keep himself entertained. He was short, a broad faced and stocky Korean American with first generation immigrant parents. He spoke a fluent but heavily accented Korean without honorifics but was more comfortable in English.

He also happened to be Ten’s literary agent and manager.

Shin Hyeok trusted him because he was artless to a fault, he was frank and direct, but smiled easily. There were, however, times when those qualities could be a drawback.

Shin Hyeok was thinking back to the incident in the rain, kicking himself again. He didn’t know exactly how, but it seemed like a door had opened and no matter what he tried, he didn’t know how to close it back up.Marcus was saying, “We’re operating on a very finite timeline here, my friend. I need to know if you intend to stay in Korea, and if so where. When the last part of the interview is out, things are going to start happening very quickly.” He was only half listening.

Hye Jin had appeared so disturbed on the way back. Clicking her teeth again, hugging herself beneath the blanket Shin Hyeok had given her, not speaking more than was necessary for politeness sake.

“Hey buddy? Are you with me?”

“Yeah, I’m listening.” Shin Hyeok said, frowning down into his coffee cup, “I haven’t decided yet. If I want to stay, I mean.”

For the hundredth time Shin Hyeok wondered if he should call her and apologize. _Apologize for what_? He thought. _Nothing happened_. So then why did it feel like something big had happened?

“David,” Shin Hyeok looked up, hearing his American name felt a little strange after the years in Korea, “Man, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you like this.

“Like what?”

“Just, you know, so lost. Indecisive. You’ve always done exactly the thing you want. And by some magic always seem to know exactly what that is. When you said you wanted to go public with your real name and face, I thought ‘Wow, this is finally happening’ but I figured it wasn’t worth arguing about. Now I’m wondering…have you this through?”

“I don’t have to, right? That’s what you pay you for.” Shin Hyeok said, fully tuned into the conversation, putting up his disarming, shield-like smile.

“You pay me way to much for this. That’s why I feel like I have to earn it somehow. So I ask again, you know this is going to completely, irreversibly upend you life, right?”

Shin Hyeok nodded. They had chosen to meet in the open café area at the hotel where Shin Hyeok had his suite. He looked around the lobby, at the familiar strangers passing by. Unaware who he was, uncaring. His presence didn’t matter to them any more than theirs did to him. Maybe they recognized his face, maybe they had exchanged small talk in the elevators, but that was all. His anonymity was his freedom. 

He said, “I’m ready for it.”

“Are you having some kind of lady trouble, man?” Marcus asked.

“What? No, nothing like that.”

“It is, though, isn’t it? There’s a girl.” Marcus clapped his hands, proud that he’d figured out a secret. And he leaned back in his chair, observing Shin Hyeok’s reaction.

“It’s really not like that.”

“Have you started the new novel yet?”

“I’m still toying with a couple ideas.” Shin Hyeok replied, on the defensive now. In fact, he had been flitting between several different projects with no visible progress, satisfied with none of them. All of his ideas felt boring and predictable.

“Still? You’re crushing on someone hard. I know you. When you like somebody your creative brain gets all mushy and you can’t work. Who is she? How long have you been seeing her? Because you know, as you manager, I should know these things before an angry ex splashes tell-all interviews all over the internet.”

“I’m not dating anyone, okay? There’s this…the girl is dating someone else, okay? A friend of mine, actually…there are three people involved. A sort of love triangle, I guess. They’re having a hard time and I’m trying to help them out. Happy?”

“Whoa, whoa, you’re tangled up in someone else’s love triangle? That’s some Great Gatsby sounding shit. What happened to David Joseph…sorry, Kim Shin Hyeok, the impartial observer? Who doesn’t do favors or get embroiled in other people’s dramas, he just writes about them? You know, your entire artistic persona?”

“I don’t know, maybe I’m growing up. Or maybe I’ve lost it altogether.”

Marcus still seemed a bit pleased with himself, but his face changed as he started putting some things together, “That friend, then, the one your girl is dating…he’s not the one you had me make all those hush hush arrangements for out in the country, right?”  
Shin Hyeok put a finger to his lips, “Don’t. We’re pretending that didn’t happen, remember? As far as I’m concerned I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

Marcus wrinkled his brow and threw up his hands. “You’re becoming way too mysterious for one agent to keep up.”

“Just make the arrangements on both sides. Find me a house in the States, somewhere near to my folks. Look into apartments in Gangnam too. I want to keep all my options open. I’ll tell you which way I’m going before the last part of the interview goes to print, okay?”

“Whatever you want, man. It’s your money. But you should try to get your head together, okay? Settle on a concept for your 5th novel. Don’t lose it over a girl you can’t have."

As Marcus was talking Shin Hyeok caught sight of a familiar figure out of the corner of his eye. Long legs, short blonde hair, and a chic cut blazer paired with a skirt just north of indecency.

Shin Hyeok stood up quickly and dropped a couple bills on the table for the check, saying, “If you have anything else you need me to approve, send an email. I’ll tell you what I think.” Before dashing to catch Min Ha Ri on her way out the door.

Behind him he heard Marcus’s voice in jocular tones, “If that’s her, I take back what I said. I understand everything now!”

Shin Hyeok caught Ha Ri in the courtyard and smiled when she saw him.

“Sorry, I was rushing and I didn’t notice you.”

“It’s fine,” Shin Hyeok said, “What are you doing in my neighborhood anyway? Asking for your job back, I hope. The place has gone downhill since you left. I hear there’s a transient up on the 20th floor and no one's done a thing about it.”

Ha Ri wrinkled her nose, remembering how they’d first met. “In my defense, you do look homeless most of the time.”

“Guilty as charged. Where you headed?”

“I was just getting a letter of reference. Now I have a job counseling session to go to.”

“Then don’t let me keep you. Let’s grab dinner this week, okay?”

“Okay,” Ha Ri made as though to leave but stopped. “Oh, actually I meant to ask you, did something happen with Hye Jin? When you drove her maybe?”

Shin Hyeok froze, “What? No. I mean, Seong Joon couldn’t see her for some reason. She was upset.”

“No, I know that. She told me that. Nothing else though? She’s been acting weird ever since.”

Too eagerly he asked, “Weird? Weird how? Like nervous weird, or sad weird, or angry weird?” Ha Ri squared up to him, crossing her arms.

“Something did happen between you two.”

“I didn’t…no, nothing happened.”

“Did you say something to her? Did you do something to her?”

“You mean did I made a move on her? I didn’t!” he said, offended, “She was upset about Seong Joon, and I told her I admired the way she took care of him. We got caught in the rain and she sprained her ankle. You know that. I was making sure she wasn’t badly hurt and…we had sort of a moment. But I didn’t do anything—ouch! What?”

Ha Ri had smacked him hard on the arm. “She’s been huffing and sighing to herself around the apartment ever since. She’s just reading weird books and asking me odd questions. I don’t know how, but you’ve upset her.”

“I know. I know. I don’t know what I did either. Don’t hit me again. You were the one who asked me to take her. You created the situation.”

“I wanted you to mend your friendship, not confuse her again!”

“Confuse her? _Me_ confuse _her_? Again with that word. I feel like I’m going nuts. Here, I’ll call her and apologize.”

“No, don’t you call her. Don’t you do anything. I’ll talk to her.” Ha Ri sighed heavily, looking up. “I really thought everything would get better when I told her to go to Seong Joon. But does it seem like things are much more complicated now?”

“It does seem that way. Have you been writing about it?”

“Almost every day. You were right, it does help me put my thoughts in order.” Shin Hyeok had suggest Ha Ri try writing about what had happened with Seong Joon. To understand it and begin to heal from it. She wasn’t able to put her thoughts into story form yet, so she wrote letters instead. Letters to Seong Joon. Explaining herself, apologizing as she’s never been given the opportunity to do, and telling him how she felt. Letters that would never be sent. Shin Hyeok wondered if that was the best thing, but it seemed like a place to start.

“Maybe you should take your own advice.” She said, “Write about it instead of shaking people up.”

“That’s the difference between us, Miss Min. I write when I’m happy, because I’m happy. Not to make myself feel better. Lately I can’t put down a single word.”

Ha Ri squeezed his shoulder, almost tenderly, and said, “I care about your well being Shin Hyeok, but you know that I won’t be able to forgive you if you hurt either of them. You know that.”

“I wouldn’t expect any different.”

“I’ve got to go. I’ll talk to you later?”

“Sure.”

She walked off in the direction of the parking garage, leaving Shin Hyeok scuffing the heels of his boots against the sidewalk. There was the distant sound of thunder and he expected he would soon be caught in the rain if he didn’t go inside. He continued to stand in the courtyard of the hotel, watching people part and move around him without acknowledging him, like schools of fish instinctively following their currents. Stuff like that usually fascinated him, but at the moment it was just lonely.

The tone of the afternoon had taken on a distinctly tragic mood, with Ha Ri’s affectionate but ominous warning and Shin Hyeok staring down the barrel of his future as the annoyingly famous Ten. He felt a bit like one of his own characters being crossed by fate, which of course he didn’t believe in.

 _Maybe there is something Gatsbyesque in this whole thing_. Shin Hyeok thought, taking a seat on a concrete planter as light rain started to paint the sidewalks a darker shade of gray. _But if I’m playing the part of Nick, the narrator unexpectedly insinuating himself in the more interesting lives of others, would that mean Seong Joon is Gatsby? Delusionally attached to a past love?_

There were some obvious parallels if he cared to force it. But no matter what mental gymnastics he attempted, he couldn’t make Jackson into a Daisy, ruining lives because she couldn’t make up her mind. Hye Jin’s choice had been clear, and there was no question of her wavering.

Shin Hyeok shivered.

The rain was becoming quite heavy and he went inside to change into some dry clothes and, since he was in a literary frame of mind anyway, hopefully makes some progress on his 5th novel.

Shin Hyeok was in the living room of his suite with all his papers spread out before him, his laptop open to a new word document. He had a cup of coffee next to him that had gone cold.

He’d gotten out of the rain, showered, put on comfortable clothes and settled on the couch that served as his work station. That was as much progress as he’d made toward his resolution to write.

He lost the light and had to move around the room switching on lamps before sitting back down, but barely stirred otherwise. His mind was as blank as the screen before him.

Finally, he growled in frustration and rubbed the heel of his hand into his eye trying to wake himself up. “Come on, this isn’t right. You’re starting to piss me off.” He said to himself. Giving one last disdainful glance at his computer he snapped the lid shut.  
_It’s raining anyway_ , he thought, _I should be drinking soju and eating chive pancakes_.

He tried to think of who he could hassle into doing that with him. Ha Ri was busy. If he called Marcus again then he’d really start worrying about him. Then there was Jackson, but he couldn’t call Jackson. _Think, you’ve got to have more friends than that. There have to be other people. Why can’t I recall being bored and lonely like this before now? What did I used to do all the time?_

He’d left his phone in the bedroom to charge and he went to retrieve it and read through his contacts for ideas. To his surprise he had half a dozen unread messages waiting for him. They were from Jackson.

The messages were increasingly badly spelled and confused as they went on. Half apologetic, half reproachful, and although he looked at them for a while he couldn’t figure out what they meant. Had she been drinking?

Chewing his bottom lip, he slowly set the phone down and left the room, stepping back into the living room and looking at the nightscape of the city, drumming his fingers rapidly against the glass. He paced between the window and the bedroom three times before disconnecting his phone from the power cord and dialing Jackson’s number anxiously.

Shin Hyeok heard the clamor of a public place in the receiver, and a muffled _yeoboseyo_ as though Hye Jin was holding her phone away from her mouth.

“Hello? Jackson? Are you alright?”

He heard, clearer now but with a distinct slur, “It’s you. Where are you?"

“I’m at home. Where are you?”

“At home? You would be at home…” She replied, sounding annoyed. Shin Hyeok winced at a sudden loud thump like the phone had been dropped. After a moment she began again, “Where are you? I’m waiting for you.”

“Waiting for me? Where? Are you by yourself right now?”

“I’m at the place. When are you coming?”

“Call Ha Ri and have her take you home.” Shin Hyeok said, trying to quell an automatic worry.

“I need you here. Come and find me.” Was the reply, and before Shin Hyeok could stammeringly protest the line abruptly disconnected.

Shin Hyeok stood silently gaping at his phone, taking several quick breaths.

 _I should call Ha Ri_ , he thought, _I should tell her where to go and she should handle this, but…_

After standing in motionless indecision for the space of several minutes, Shin Hyeok shoved his phone in his pocket and grabbed a jacket as he flew out the door.

There was no singular roadside stand or _pojangmacha_ that Shin Hyeok and Jackson frequented. There was a cadre of open air restaurants and tents that catered to the professionals of the business district where Shin Hyeok lived and worked. Over the course of the months they’d worked together, he'd dragged Jackson to all his favorites. Most served rice wine and _soju_ and he had to check four before he spotted her.

She was dozing sitting up, her head at intervals dropping to her chest before she jerked it up again. The moisture in the hair was making her carefully straightened hair bounce alive with her trademark curls, and the sight immediately brought him back to a memory of herding her home drunk before shortly after they’d met, telling him confidentially that she was totally drunk but it was a secret.

He walked over and put a hand on her shoulder, “Why are you drinking alone like this? It’s dangerous if you pass out in public, you know.”

She swung her head dramatically to look up at him saying, “Oh, so here you are.”

“Here I am. Did we have plans I didn’t know about?”

She shook his hand off peevishly, “Plans? How could we have plans? We don’t even know each other anymore.”

The bustling _ajumma_ who ran the stand shot them a menacing look, noticing a man harassing one of her clearly inebriated female patrons. He waved to her to signal that he didn’t have any questionable motives, and luckily she recognized him and had seen the two of them together or she might have chased him out of the tent with a pair of tongs.

Turning back to Hye Jin he said, “Come on, let’s get home.”

She shook her head, not rising from her seat. She pointed to the chair across the table. “Sit down.”

“Let’s call it a night, Jackson.” He said, trying to get her to stand up again.

“Sit!” She repeated loudly, and Shin Hyeok was startled enough that he obeyed.

Shin Hyeok watched her pour more soju unsteadily into a shot glass, but she didn’t drink it, only looking at it disconsolately and leaning her chin on her hand. For the first time in their short friendship, he felt a real uneasiness in her presence.

He noticed that she was resting her elbow on a bright yellow book, his book in fact. He could see it was dog-eared and marked in places with colored sticky notes.

Trying to make conversation he said, “Editor Cha assigned you some homework?” gesturing to the book. She only nodded. “For the interviews?” She nodded again, not seeming eager to talk to him about it. He wondered why she had asked him to sit, why she had bothered texting him at all.

He looked down and wished that he could start drinking as well to lessen some of this awkwardness, but he needed to be able to drive her home.

She straightened and picked up the book, turning it over in her hands. “I don’t like it,” she said, “It feels like the writer’s is making fun of me. Like they went crawling around in my head. Every time I pick it up it keeps reminding me of…” Hye Jin leveled a steady look at him and her gaze was clear and lucid. Shin Hyeok wondered then if maybe she wasn’t as drunk as he had assumed. “I think the author must be a very mocking and satirical person.”

_Does she know?_

Maybe he had been assuming all along that she was upset about their trip to the country, but she was really upset because he was Ten? That he had deceived her? He had overlooked that possibility. Feeling that it was a risk, he decided to ask, “What does it remind you of?”

“It reminds me of…a person I care about.” She shrugged, throwing back her _soju_ and shaking her head. It must be Seong Joon, he thought, relaxing a little. “I don’t know. It bothers me.”

“Why?”

“It feels uncomfortably close. Like it was written by someone I know, or someone who knew me.”

Shin Hyeok felt if he kept pressing too hard he would let it slip without meaning to. He wondered if this was best. If he actually intended to tell her before she read about it in the magazine. _Whatever I do, I’m not having this conversation while she’s drunk/em >. “Sometimes a novel speaks to you like that. Like the way people say you only start understanding love songs after you fall in love.”_

_Hye Jin poured herself the remaining liquor, barely enough for a mouth full, she glared up the neck of the little green bottle and set it aside. She picked up the shot glass and simply held it, staring at it. “Perhaps it is like that.” She said, “Like love songs.”_

_In the long silence that followed Shin Hyeok felt as though things had become unexpectedly, uncomfortably real. _Did something else happen with Seong Joon? Something new, worse? It’s ludicrous to think she’d be acting like this because of the incident in the picnic shelter.__

_He heard a noise that brought him out of his thoughts and looking up he realized that she was quietly crying. Just holding the glass, unfinished, with tears rolling down her face._

_He stood up, then, moving to stand beside her and holding out a hand to help her up, “Let’s get out of here.”_

_Leading Hye Jin out of the tent and into the rain soaked streets was a bit like leading an oversized, emotional toddler. He pulled her along by the wrist so she wouldn’t wander off or tip over, but still he had to stop at intervals so she could get her balance and orient herself. She was still favoring her injured ankle, but he stopped at offering to carry her. She kept wiping her face with the backs of her hands and protesting that she was okay. Although Shin Hyeok hadn’t asked her._

_“My car is nearby.” He said. His car was in the parking garage of the hotel, his permanent spot. But he watched Jackson swaying, and looking up at the highrises around them and felt reluctant to drag her out of the night air. It had stopped raining and was pleasantly cool._

_When he was sure she wasn’t going to trip he let her go and merely followed her, keeping an eye on her as she wandered down this or that street. They were close enough to Hye Jin and Ha Ri’s apartment that it was feasible to walk.  
After a little while like this Hye Jin spotted a bench and plopped herself down._

_“Hey Jackson, don’t pass out on me. I don’t want to carry you the rest of the way,” he warned, but when she patted the place beside her for him to sit down he didn’t protest._

_They sat side by side for a few moments, looking up, inches apart but not touching. Shin Hyeok left his hands folded in his lap, hunching, making himself small and unobtrusive. Without warning he felt Hye Jin’s head drop onto his shoulder. Almost too quietly to be discerned she said, “I like you.”_

_Stiffly he replied, “I know, my _dongsaeng_.”_

_“ _Orabeoni-dongsaeng_ relationship…” She laughed, a slightly louder exhalation of breath, “I don’t like you like an older brother, though. I just like you.”_

_Shin Hyeok breathed, closing his eyes to steady himself. _You can’t take anything she says tonight to heart, you idiot. It’s the soju talking.__

_As though to echo his thoughts she said, “We can pretend I’m just being drunk. I’m very drunk. Because I’m like this I don’t mean any of it, but I’m not that drunk…this is just becoming unmanageable.”_

_“Hye Jin-ah, how bout we don’t—”_

_“I don’t think I could have helped liking you. When you think about it, you had an unfair advantage from the start. Being with you was too easy…and somewhere along the line you became the voice in my head. The face in my mind that wakes me up before dawn. The one the songs remind me of…” He felt her shake against him and glanced down, saw that she’d begun crying again and he couldn’t handle it anymore. He put his arm around her, chafing her shoulder gently against the cool night  
“Hey now, you’re okay.”_

_“It’s too hard. I can’t be good to the people who depend on me as long as I feel like this. I can’t be a good girlfriend, best friend, _dongsaeng_ …You’ve made me feel greedy. I hate myself and it’s selfish but…as long as you’re here it won’t stop. You understand?”_

_“Are you saying you wish I’d disappear?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“You wouldn’t miss me if I did?”_

_“I would miss you. But I would rather miss you than keep making things hard for him…than keep making Ha Ri cry.”_

_“I understand.”_

__You wanted an answer, right? Whether to stay or to go. Now you have it. If you stay now, you’re only doing it for yourself._ _

_“I’m sorry,” Hye Jin said, into his side, voice muffled and breaking._

_“It’s okay, Jackson, you didn’t do anything wrong.”_

_She had placed her arms around his waist and was holding onto him. And he stayed still, feeling her shaking again, not allowing himself to enjoy the proximity, the intimacy. He let her hang on until she fell still and her grip loosened._

_When he look down at her again her eyes were closed and she was breathing evenly._

_It took some maneuvering to get her on his back, but when he knelt down in front of her and put her arms around his neck she held on without coaxing. It was a long walk with someone on your back, but he didn’t mind it. He even prolonged it, feeling her breath on the back of his neck, decisions and plans solidifying._

__I thought this whole day felt like a farewell somehow. Now I know why._ _

_His arms and legs protesting, he managed to ring the bell and Ha Ri answered the door. She opened her eyes wide when she saw them, but didn’t ask any of the obvious questions. She only stepped aside and pointed the way to Hye Jin’s room._

_Shin Hyeok laid Jackson down gently on the bed, folding a blanket over her. She stirred as he tried to adjuster the pillow beneath her head, but quickly became still again. He sat on the edge of the bed, watching her, and in a moment of weakness he brushed her hair away from her face, smiling privately at her peaceful expression. Her eyes didn’t even flicker at his touch._

_“Jackson?” He said, “Can you hear me, you light weight?” She gave no sign, she appeared fast asleep._

_“What was it like to have a first love, Jackson? I don’t think ever had one myself, but sometimes I watch you and I wonder. When I saw you, the first day we met, I had the strangest feeling. Like déjà vu. Like I knew you, when I couldn’t have.” He laughed to himself, remembering her then. Her hair a wild mess, freckled cheeks, shapeless clothes. Perfect._

_“Have you ever just met someone and felt like you’d been friends since you were kids? But longer than that. That somehow you knew them before you knew anything, before you were you. That before you could see, or hear, or taste, you knew them. That concepts like light, music, flavor only have meaning because you were supposed to meet them. I sound like a crazy person, don’t I? That’s how I feel about you, Hye Jin-ah. If that’s how it feels to have a first love, maybe you were mine.”_

_He knew that he needed to leave, afraid that she would wake up and find him here. But he didn’t want to go, not knowing when he was going to see her again. He stood and wavered, his heart telling him to stay, his head telling him to go. Not just from the room, but from Seoul, the country, her life. He closed his eyes thinking, _I wish we had met as children. I wish you had met me first. If we had met sooner I definitely wouldn’t have hesitated to hold on to you. I wouldn’t have let you think it was a joke for so long. I would have kissed you if you’d given me the chance.__

_Aloud he said. “Try not to worry. I’m not going to make things hard for you anymore.” Then after one last long look, he left the room and slid the door silently closed behind him._


	9. Something to be Sorry For

In the hallway outside of Hye Jin’s bedroom Shin Hyeok found Ha Ri standing opposite the door. When he stepped out, she hastily turned aside to hide her shining eyes. “Did you hear all of that?” Shin Hyeok asked in an almost-whisper, sliding the bedroom door closed without sound. “I didn’t realize I was preforming for an audience.”

“I didn’t intend to listen, I just…”

“It doesn’t matter. I’ll be going.” He said, bobbing his head as he took his leave, slipping past her. As he moved toward the door he felt her grab onto his arm.

“Wait, let’s talk.”

“I’m sure she didn’t hear me. I’m not planning on shaking her up anymore.” He turned again, but she held on.

“It’s not…I feel like if I let you walk out right now, that’s the last we’ll see of you. Am I wrong?”

Shin Hyeok sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose he relented, “If we’re going to talk, let’s do it outside. I don’t want to wake up Jackson.”

Without saying anything further, they walked out onto the landing. Closing the apartment door, Shin Hyeok leaned into the corner between the door and the wall, crossing his arms across his chest. Ha Ri positioned herself against the banister facing him. She was clutching and releasing the metal railing spasmodically but her gaze was steady, “Well, what do you intend to do?”

“Nothing too drastic. I was already toying with the idea of moving closer to my folks. I’m just going through with the arrangements that have already been made.”

“It’s too hard to leave things the way they are? You’ve reached your limit?” The question was sincere, she wasn’t prodding him or pointing out his weakness.

“I shouldn’t have tried it in the first place. But I guess I’ve always had a little trouble letting things go.”

“You’ll really leave?”

“Afraid so. This is the final meeting of the official unofficial support group for one-sided lovers. Thank you for everything, my one-time fake fiance. We’ll always have the table outside the convenience store.” She was in mood for his brand of humor, he saw, but he didn’t know how to turn it off. He was emotionally out of his mind, his defenses were up. Whether he meant it or not, he was hiding behind a joke and smile.

“I wish I had been able to help.”

“You helped a lot, actually.” He said, “It’s just that you’re better at this than I am. I wish I was more like you.”

“How so?”

“Do you remember when you said to me that you wanted to hold on to your feelings for Seong Joon? That as long as you didn’t act on it, it was okay?”

“I remember.” Ha Ri said.

“I tried it, but I’m not like you. I don’t want keep a hold of these feelings. I want to release them, as soon as possible. Before I do something to be sorry for. Before I hurt any of the people that I’ve gotten myself entangled with.”

“You say all this like you’re not a person in love, like the rest of us, just trying to muddle through.”

“I don’t see it that way. Maybe it’s arrogant to think this way, but you and I are different in this respect. You fell in love blindly. You had no way of knowing what you’d started and by the time you realized, you were in over your head. But that wasn’t how it happened for me. I saw what was going on with you three from a distance. I watched you, I waited, and I told myself that it was none of my business. I knew it wasn’t my place to interfere, but I chose to do it anyway. I thought I could stop people from getting hurt if I said something, but I was so wrong.”

“You wanted to protect Hye Jin, because you cared about her. You tried to talk me out of hurting myself and my friend. How is that something to feel sorry for?”

“I don’t feel sorry for it, Ha Ri. This isn’t remorse, it’s regret. I used to live by this ideal, staying on the outside of peoples lives. Observing and maybe sharing a laugh, but never getting involved. But I broke my rules about give and take and doing people favors. I wish I had been smart enough to spare myself this, because I knew that Hye Jin was Seong Joon’s first love. And I knew that she liked him too. I saw myself falling for her but I didn’t try to grab onto anything on the way down. I just fell head first.”

“But that’s what people are supposed to do. Live life, not watch it go by. Even if it hurts you later, do you really want to just be a spectator?”

“That’s why you are better than me. You tell yourself that and you believe it, but I can’t anymore.”

“So you’re running away.”

“It’s what Jackson wants. I’m going to save the magazine and disappear. I’m going to help her go back to the way it was before. I’m going to try out this ‘being a good friend’ thing.”

“Is this your way of telling me goodbye?”

“It wasn’t intended to be, but I suppose it kind of is.”

“What about Hye Jin? Will you let her say goodbye too?”

“I will say my goodbyes to everybody. At the right time in the right way.”

Ha Ri took a deep breath, looking at him, appearing to make her mind up about something. “Wait here a moment.” Opening the door she went back into the apartment briefly. She was gone for only a minute and came back with a paper box in her hands. She held it out to him.

“What is this?”

“It’s all my feelings for Seong Joon. Everything I wrote, since you suggested I try to work my thoughts out on paper. They’re the letters I wrote him and never sent. I want you to keep them for me.”  
“Why?”

“As long as they’re with me, I’ll keep adding to them. You’re right. Just holding on to feelings by yourself isn’t the safe thing. And I’m too much of a coward to send them, too sentimental to burn them. So now, since you were my support group and we’re disbanding, I want you to take them.”

“What should I do with them?”

“Anything you want.”

“Can I read them? What if I send them to him myself?”

“Anything you want.” Ha Ri repeated, tears had started forming two sooty rivulets down her cheeks, as her heavy mascara started to run. Shin Hyeok had had just about enough of seeing women he liked crying that night, and so he agreed to take the letters with him.

She wrapped her arms around him then and they held each other in silence for a while. Although there was nothing more than sisterly affection in the embrace, it lasted for a long time. In that contact they seemed to share all the regret, the joy and the pain of their unrequited loves.

When they separated, their hearts were a little lighter, because they knew even if this was their last parting, and they never spoke or saw one another again from that moment, they would still be holding each others’ burden in some small way for as long as they remembered this unlucky chapter of their lives. And there was comfort in that.

________________________________________

Poong Ho brought his back-scratcher down hard on the open file folder in Hye Jin’s lap, with a loud _thwack_ that made her jump and shriek.

“Hye Jin-sshi, have you been paying attention?”

She had not been. She had been staring out the conference room windows lost in her thoughts. More specifically she had been looking at Shin Hyeok’s empty desk and wondering where he had been for the last weeks. But she said, “Yes, we’re picking a theme for the final Ten issue, right?”

Jun Woo smirked, amused at her attempt to play off her own inattentiveness, “Now you’re just stating the purpose of the meeting.”

“I still don’t understand the point of trying to finalize the theme if Editor Cha won’t give us the new pages from Ten’s publisher.” Poong Ho grumbled. For the past two issues Editor Cha had what she had nicknamed her “novel team”, Poong Ho, Jun Woo and Hye Jin, work on a cohesive theme to build the fashion, beauty and feature sections of the magazine around, to create a unified issue. And like clockwork Ten’s publishers had released the pages from Ten, his or her answers to the list of questions that had worked up, just as they were beginning the plan the layout. As though they knew Most’s schedule. When it was released the “novel team” would work to polish it up and plug it into the current layout, with minor adjustments.

This time, however, the pages from Ten’s publisher had not be handed over. They were now several days out from beginning to finalize proofs for the printers, and the interview they were intending to publish had still not materialized.

“Is it that the Editor Cha won’t hand them over or is it that the publisher hasn’t sent them.” Jun Woo wondered. “Maybe they’re worried about leaks. In the literary world, this is a pretty big deal. We don’t want to get preempted by another source.”

Poong Ho rolled his eyes at this, but Hye Jin wouldn’t put it past Han Seol posting sensitive information on her SNS without permission.

Tossing her hair and rolling her shoulders to reinvigorate herself she looked down at the collected quotes and notes she’d written on _Memory_ , saying, “Okay, lets focus. I know it might be a little on the nose, but we could keep a general theme of memory and pull the quotes from the novel the that discuss that idea.”

“That is a little obvious isn’t it?” Poong Ho said, dubiously.

“What else is there?” She continued, “We already dealt with themes of adventure and of love in the past two editions. Besides, Ten has an interesting concept of memories as this romantic ideal. Like an echo chamber that forms our conception of ourselves, but that we also unconsciously alter to suit our view of reality.”

“No, I think Hye Jin-sshi has a point. There are a lot of strong quotes about memory that we could pull and build off of. I underlined a few of them myself,” Jun Woo said, pulling his copy of the book out of his brief case and opening it to some heavily annotated pages. “Like this one here where Lin mistakes Carmichael for the her first love, 'The funny thing about memory is, every time you take one down off the shelf and dust if off, it changes a little. In ways you can’t predict. Those changes compounding and warping until the recollection no longer resembles the reality of our past. Until reality doesn’t seem so appealing in contrast. _Memory_ is less a reflection of what you were, but what you have become.’ I mean, arguably that’s the central idea of the entire book.”

“Yes, yes, that’s all very deep, but how do you build a fashion magazine layout around that?” Poong Ho insisted, “I stand by my first suggestion. The last two interviews have referenced the authors dual identity, as a Korea child adopted by American parents. The isolation of being a part of two cultures and belonging to neither and how the two cultures and the two languages feed into the author’s style and subject matter. That’s a much easier concept to apply to global fashion in Seoul.”

“You’re thinking of the passage in the book where the two gangsters meet for the first time in Macao. The sworn brothers chapter. Where is that again?” Jun Woo asked, flipping through his book looking for a particular marker.

“You know what this “sworn brothers” passage reminds me of the most?” Hye Jin said, musing. Her attention had quickly waned when Jun Woo had read the quote about memory, “It sounds like something Editor Kim would say. 'We’ve met three times now. Let’s be brothers.’ 'If the everyone lived like this we’d have a civilized society.’ I swear I’ve heard him say something like that before.”

“Hye Jin-ah, you have Kim Shin Hyeok on the brain. I’m annoyed that he’s not helping with this too, but you don’t have to bring him up every five minutes.” Said Poong Ho.

“I’m not bringing him up every five minutes. I’m just saying—”

“Oh yeah, why do you keep staring at his desk?”

Hye Jin had nothing to say in her defense. Jun Woo chimed in, “If you’re missing your co-conspirator so badly, why don’t you call him? Maybe he’ll give us an idea.”

“Don’t you think I would if I could?” She snapped, without thinking how it would sound. “He and I aren’t speaking.” Poong Ho and Jun Woo exchanged glances. “Forget it, forget it. Let’s concentrate.” But even though she said this, they all lapsed into silence and were looking in the direction of the feature editor’s empty desk. It had become a familiar, melancholy sight. The energy in the office wasn’t the same without him. Hye Jin wasn’t the only one who daily remarked on his absence.

As they watched they noticed Editor Cha approach Shin Hyeok’s desk with a conspicuous empty box in hand. She left it on his chair and directed what appeared to be a courier of some kind to fill it with a number of things and take it away.

“What’s going on?” Jun Woo asked aloud, “Did Shin Hyeok Sunbae send someone to get his things?”

Without realizing it Hye Jin had started to move for the door, but Poong Ho called her back, “Hey, don’t panic. It’s probably not what it looks like. Anyway, let’s finish what we were doing and you can go ask Cha Sunbae what’s going on after.”

Hye Jin wanted to protest, but she forced herself to sit down and finish the rest of the meeting.

________________________________________

Not attempting to hide her panic Hye Jin found Editor Cha in the smaller media room off Kim Ra Ra’s office as soon as her meeting was over. The interim Deputy Editor and Executive Editor were comparing page layouts for the designer spotlights they would be including in the upcoming edition. In spite of her appearance, Ra Ra had always had a fantastic eye for this kind of thing.

Hye Jin tried to get Editor Cha’s attention, “Please, can I just have a minute of your time?”

“Whatever you want to ask me, Hye Jin-sshi, the answer won’t change if you wait until I’m done.”

There was nothing Hye Jin could say when Editor Cha was in this mood and she started to go. Kim Ra Ra stopped her, though, and asked her to sit and watch. After all, she might learn something about the magazine and what it meant to be Most-like.

They were going through a number of fashion photo shoots from up-and-coming designers on the projector. There was a set of gold brocade and lace gowns, embellished with crystal, cut in a vintage style. The page was paired with the quote “Is memory better left under glass? Preserved as a shining thing. Or is a memory meant to be handled, turned over, worn out…”

There was another for a line of handbags. One for shoes. Ra Ra was declaring them _scintillante_ or _volgare_ without any rhyme or reason Hye Jin could detect. But Editor Cha took note of her reactions and marked something down in a notebook before moving on to the next slide. After several minutes of this they put up an unusual one, from a designer who specialized in fashionable but practical clothing lines for children. “Take a look at this one, Hye Jin. You have experience with children’s literature, yes? How does this strike you from that perspective?”

The image was that of a young boy and big eyed girl in a winter field on a rainy day. The girl was looking at the boy with a broad grin on her face, they were standing in a down pour. The girl had an umbrella over we shoulder but instead of opening it up, they were both getting joyfully soaked. Imposed over the skyline of the image the quote that had been chosen was: "I never wear anything I fear getting ruined in the rain. Getting caught in the rain is like a small adventure no one should deprive themselves of.”

Hye Jin stood up violently, almost knocking over her chair, in a stammering voice she said, “Where is that quote from?” The image of Shin Hyeok holding his jacket over her head on a cold, rocky beach swam before her eyes.

“It’s from Ten’s first book. They’re all quotes from Ten’s books. I told you all the themes an layouts are working around Ten’s work to build up for the reveal.”

“The one about memories too then…and the others…” Hye Jin was feeling light headed, things clicking into place.

“Yes, all of them.” _It can’t be. No, it’s impossible. Isn’t it_? All this time could he have been sitting right under her nose? She knew him too well for that… Didn’t she? “Hye Jin, are you okay? You’re pale. Do you want me to get you some water?”

“No. No…I think I need to step out for a minute.” Hye Jin left the room barely seeing where she was going, her mind in a whirl. _Surely, I didn’t misunderstand him so completely. All this time, he’s been…_

Editor Cha followed Hye Jin into the hall, looking concerned. Before Hye Jin went stumbling down the stairs she grabbed her elbow and turned her around. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost. Is this about Shin Hyeok’s resignation? I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it would come as a shock to you. I thought you’d known for some time now, honestly. He told me days ago.”

“Days? How many day?”

“I don’t know. Three maybe? Really, I thought you were just keeping it a secret like I was, because he said he didn’t want anyone worried about it right before the deadline. And then he sent a request for some things from his desk today…My god, you really didn’t know did you?”

“Why is he leaving? To where?”

“He said something about going to be close to his parents. I think they live in California. He didn’t tell me more, just that he absolutely needed I be out before we the identity reveal issue went to print.”

Hye Jin cut her off there, apologizing, half bowing as she turned to run away. “I’m so sorry. I have to go. Something really important just came up.”

________________________________________

Hye Jin clicked her teeth loudly as Ha Ri’s phone rang. She had run late that morning and borrowed Ha Ri’s car, but in her panic-stricken state she couldn’t seem to remember where she’d parked it.

“Hello?"

“Ha Ri? I need Editor Kim’s address. Did he ever tell you where he lives?”

There was an audible intake of breath, “Why? What’s happened?”

“He’s not answering his phone. I think he might be about to leave to god knows where, maybe out of the country.”

Another pause, Hye Jin could hear Ha Ri’s quickening breath in the receiver.

“If you know what’s going on, please tell me.”

“He is leaving. He told me. I didn’t say anything to you because I thought he would want to tell you personally.”

“He hasn’t said anything. He didn’t even send a text. Editor Cha said he turned in his resignation. Nobody here has seen him since then.”

“I’ve known where he lives for some time, but he specifically asked me not to tell you. I think he thought it might change things between you.”

_What did he think it would change_? She wondered, although by now she had guessed everything, so the secret of his address was irrelevant. “Listen to me, I wouldn’t be asking you if I wasn’t truly desperate. I normally would never expect you to break a confidence, but if I don’t go find him right now there’s a possibility that…I might never see him again, Ha Ri-ah.”

For the space of a heartbeat Hye Jin really thought that Ha Ri wasn’t going to tell her out of loyalty to Shin Hyeok, and another wave of cold terror rushed through her.

“Okay, okay. I don’t think he’ll be thanking me for this, but do you remember the suite with the permanent guest? The weird one I told you about? Room 2024?”

________________________________________

Hye Jin pounded on the hotel door, trying to catch her breath. On the 13th floor she’d decided the elevator was making too many stops and had sprinted the stairs the rest of the way. The hallways in this exclusive region of the hotel were nearly empty. It occurred to her that if she had come here some months ago with her frizzy hair and lusterless wardrobe she might have been asked by a staff member to leave.

She was leaning heavily on the door with one arm, knocking frantically with the other when the door suddenly opened and she almost fell inside. Shin Hyeok looked out at her, he was wearing a deep blue turtleneck sweater and a pair of holey jeans, bare footed. His hair was wet like he’d just gotten out of the shower and thrown clothes on in a rush to get the door. He winced when he saw her, muttering, “Damn it, Ha Ri.” under his breath, and then addressing her, “Hye Jin, you really shouldn’t have come here.”

While he was talking she brushed passed him and into the suite before he could close the door on her. She started, “Were you really just going to leave without saying—” sputtering to a stop when she reached the center of what appeared to be the spacious living room of a huge luxury suite. But she didn’t have time to notice the modern opulence or the incredible view from the ceiling to floor windows that dominated the space for more than a moment or two. She rounded on Shin Hyeok, “How could you not tell me?”

Shin Hyeok had closed the door and stalked toward her. “You really should go. I’m not interested in the conversation you’re here to have.”

She reached into her bag, incidentally the one he’d threatened to gift a dog if she hadn’t accepted it, and pulled out the pages of notes that she had written when she was preparing the interview questions for Editor Cha. She threw them down, and watched them fan across the glass topped coffee table.

“You let me read that book and prepare the interview, all the time knowing that I was preparing them for you. We all speculated about Ten’s identity to your face, and you said nothing.”

“Kim Hye Jin-sshi, what good do you think coming here is going to do now? What’s been started can’t be stopped.”

“It can be stopped. If you ask Editor Cha to pull the interview she won’t do it. Tell her who you are and tell her not to run the article.

“You may be right, but I’m not going to ask that of her. I don’t want to.”

He wasn’t looking at her as he spoke. He was milling around the main living area. This was by far the most uncomfortable she’d ever seen him. He grabbed a crystal glass from a nearby table and downed the water inside.

“Were you even going to say goodbye?”

“I wrote you a letter.”

“A letter?” She scoffed, truly wounded now. “You were going to let us print that article? You quit without a word of warning and you were going to say goodbye in a letter?”

Almost too quietly for her to hear he said, “It was a long letter.”

He still wasn’t looking at her, he turned as though to go past her into the spacious full kitchen the suite afforded, glass in hand. He looked like he might get himself more water, or something stronger.

Hye Jin grabbed him by the sleeve as he tried to passed, turning him back to face her. He didn’t resist, but he didn’t meet her eyes either.

“How could you give this to the magazine? Your identity? Your way of life? Do you realize what it would mean for you? You could never live like Shin Hyeok after this stunt. You will always be Ten. Everywhere you go people will know your face.”

“I dare say, I’ve thought about this more than you have. I’m okay with it.”

“So am I supposed to be okay, then?” Hye Jin’s voice failed her, breaking at the crucial moment. “How do you get off doing something like this for Most? No one would have asked you to do this. No one expects this of you.”

“There’s where you’re wrong, Hye Jin-sshi. Someone has asked. You asked. Seong Joon asked. When you said that you wanted to save the magazine. When everyone said we needed a big sensational piece to bring Most back, you were asking me. You didn’t know what you were asking, but I chose to do it anyway. I choose this. It’s simple as that.”

“You didn’t have to go so far. You have always refused interviews before so why—”

“Because I didn’t know you before!” His voice rose as he answered, nearly shouting. This was another first, Hye Jin realized, she’d never seen him angry before. He was finally looking at her. His face pained, his eyes flashing. He immediately lowered his voice, “Please don’t ask me not to do it. This isn’t for you, okay? Editor Cha is counting on this. Seong Joon is _counting_ on me. I promised.”

“All this time, you’ve been worrying about this all on your own.”

“If I told you before you’d have told me to stop. I’ve thought it through. This is the only way everyone ends up happy.”

Looking into his face, Hye Jin lost whatever composure she’d had and tears started running down his face. “But I’m not happy. This doesn’t make me happy.”

“That’s because you’re too kind, and you care too much.” He said, his temper flaring again, “You don’t know how to look after your own self interests. That’s why you worry about everyone and let people take advantage of you. I knew if I told you about this you’d feel burdened. You’d have felt sorry for me. You can’t see it now, and that’s fine. This gets everyone what they want.”

“This is what you want, then? You want to leave?”

Hye Jin was still holding his sleeve at that moment, and as she started to cry harder he stepped toward her, closing the foot of distance that remained between them. Even barefoot he was much taller than she was. Not looking at what he did, he lightly lobbed the crystal glass he was holding safely into a nearby arm chair.

“My brilliant plan seems to have backfired. I thought if I didn’t go to see you I wouldn’t have to see you crying again, but here you are.”

Hye Jin’s own breathing sounded loud in her ears. She tried to swallow down the lump in her throat to plead with him again, but to her surprise he bent even closer and took her face in both his hands, looking intently down into her eyes.  
“Seong Joon might be angry later, so tell him I did this without your permission.”

Then he kissed her.

At first, in her surprise, she dropped her grip on his sweater and her eyelids fluttered wide. But she was quickly lost in the heat and confusion of it. Closing her eyes she felt two sensations: the bristle of his stubble against her skin and the soft pressure of his thumbs brushing tears from her cheeks.

Without questioning what she did, Hye Jin adjusted the angle of her mouth on his. Her arms snaking around his waist of their own accord, but when she pulled herself closer and lifted naturally onto tip-toes he took hold of her wrists and very gently but firmly pulled himself out of her arms, backing two steps quickly away from her.

“Now I’ve done it,” he said, “I finally feel sorry.”

Hye Jin was still trying find her voice and couldn’t say anything.

“I told you, you shouldn’t have come.” He even smiled when he said this, but it was a smile full of sadness and regret. “I really think you should go now.”

“You’d just let me leave? After that?” Her voice ragged, “Shouldn’t we…I don’t know, sit down and talk about this?”

“Believe me, Hye Jin-sshi, I know every possible outcome of that conversation, and sometimes it doesn’t help to talk things out. Walk away now.”

With a decided effort Hye Jin straightened her blouse and marched herself to the couch, she sat down with her hands on her knees, what was meant to be a dignified posture. She hoped that her usual ruddy complexion was covering for the affect the kiss was having on her.

“Now you’re sounding like Ten. Tell me, is this who you are? Or is this a mask you’re putting on because you don’t trust yourself?”

“Ten is me and Shin Hyeok is me. Everybody shows different sides of themselves to different people. But all of those side are still me.” He made this little speech like it wasn’t the first time, or as if he had prepared the answer in his mind. “If it helps to feel betrayed, then feel that way. If you’re angry then slap me on your way out. If you’re ever tempted to feel bad for me, remember what a bastard I was to you today, and I’m sure it will lessen the blow.”

“I simply can’t understand why you’re being like this. But I’m going to stay here until I can understand what happened just now,” She pointed to where she had been standing when he’d kissed her, “And you agree to retract the interview.”  
His voice strained with frustration, “Kim Hye Jin-sshi—”

“And that’s another thing, since when have you called me like that? You haven’t used formal speech with me since the third time we met.”

“I think the era of Jackson and the idiot reporter has passed, don’t you?”

Something about the way he said that made her throat burn, and she almost started to cry again. In her purse she heard her phone begin to buzz loudly against her keys. She pulled the phone out and hit ignore without looking at who was calling.

“Answer your phone.”

“I’m not answering it until we’re done here.”

“Hye Jin-ah, I’m begging you. I don’t have anything else to say. So please—”

“I hate this. I don’t want to save the magazine like this. It isn’t fair.”

“God damn it, this is completely fair. No everyone can have what they want all the time. Somebody’s gotta lose.”

Her phone started to buzz again in her lap.

“It’s probably your boyfriend, you should answer it.”

She looked down at her phone, irritated, but it was showing up as a number she recognize. “I don’t even know who is calling.” She hit ignore again.

Shin Hyeok had moved to the coffee table and was gathering her interview notes into a neat stack.

“So that’s it?”

He didn’t answer, he only grabbed her bag sitting beside her and stuffed her papers inside.

“You have nothing you want to say to me?”

They’re eyes met, but the emotion that had shown in those eyes moments ago was gone now, and he only returned her gaze coldly. “Nothing.”

With her bag in one hand, he grabbed her wrist and pulled her to her feet. He wasn’t forceful, and she didn’t struggle. He led her to the door and put her out of his his suite. Handing her the bag he said, “I’m sorry we weren’t able to part as a friends, Hye Jin-sshi. Truly.”

And with that he closed the door on her, leaving her alone and still shaking in the hall.

________________________________________

Hye Jin sat in Ha Ri’s car, parked in the drive below their apartment. Making fists around the steering wheel, she tried to control her breathing. She had lost time between there and the hotel. She had no clear recollection of the drive.

She kept biting her lower lip and tasting the kiss there.

_I shouldn’t have left_. She thought, _I should have gone right back upstairs. I should have knocked on his door, I should have demanded he let me back in. I should have asked him…What_? Not why he did it. It wasn’t hard to guess why he’d done it. It was obvious to everyone with eyes and sense why he’d done it and how he felt about her. It was just that Hye Jin had been insane and she hadn’t allowed herself to acknowledge it knowing that someone was bound to be hurt. _What about Seong Joon_? She wondered, _What should I tell Seong Joon_?

But she knew what she had to tell him. She knew everything now. Even the question she should have asked Shin Hyeok when he’d thrown her out. “Did you happen to know how much I like you, Shin Hyeok? Have you known all along? Did you happen to know I can’t lose you like this?”

But what could she do now? He was about to leave her, Most, Korea, all of it behind, perhaps forever. And she was about to miss her last chance. To hesitate at the crucial moment, and leave herself without a resolution.

“Are you crazy, Hye Jin? What are you sitting here for?” Making her decision, she started the car again and switched on the headlamps.

As she was about to put the car into gear she looked up and saw a figure standing starkly in her high beams. She squinted at the person. She didn’t recognize the woman, she was sure she’s never seen her in her life.

The stranger moved around the car and knocked loudly on the glass. She then signaled for her to get out of the car.

Unwarily, Hye Jin did as she was bid. Turning the key in the ignition and carefully exiting her vehicle.

The woman that stood before her was in a graceful late middle age, well dressed and very beautiful. She was taller than Hye Jin, intimidatingly so, an effect accentuated by the stiletto heels she was wearing. Over the woman’s shoulder Hye Jin saw that she had her own car, blocking the alleyway and Hye Jin’s path of escape.

“Do you live in this building?” The woman asked.

“Yes, I live upstairs. Is there something I can—”

“Do you know my Ji Seong Joon?”

“Ah—yes, I know him but…”

The woman stood very close as she asked her questions. Her eyes were ablaze with intensity, on the verge of fury.

“What is your name?”

“I’m Hye Jin. My name is Kim Hye Jin.”

The full name was barely out of her mouth when the resounding slap connected, leaving Hye Jin seeing stars.


	10. I Love You More Than Myself

Hye Jin pressed the tube of ice cream Ha Ri handed her to her smarting cheek. At intervals she glanced up at the austere woman, who had dragged a dining room chair into the middle of the living room and was taking the apartment in slowly over the bridge of her nose.

There was no way to know how the confrontation in the alley would have resolved itself if Ha Ri hadn’t come along at that moment and jumped immediately to Hye Jin’s defense. Hye Jin had been too stunned by this strangers sudden appearance , by the slap, and the nearly incomprehensible invective that had followed. She had only been able to freeze and hold her arms over her head to ward off further blows.

Somehow in the commotion that had followed Ha Ri had managed to mediate. It was several tense minutes before the woman had finally identified herself Ji Hyun Sook, Ji Seong Joon’s paternal aunt, and the woman who had all but raised him after leaving Korea.

Now they were facing one another, and Ha Ri was settling beside Hye Jin on the couch. Instinctively Ha Ri interlocked her fingers with Hye Jin’s own, as they waited for Seong Joon’s aunt to speak first.

“I would prefer to have this conversation in private.” She said, glaring at Ha Ri.

“If you think I’m going to leave you alone together after you—”

Hye Jin patted Ha Ri’s hand, trying to keep her calm. “It’s okay,” she said softly, then addressing the aunt, “It’s only out of consideration to Seong Joon that I’ve let you into my house. You can say whatever you have to say to me now, or you can leave.”

Hyun Sook sniffed at this statement, but after another disdainful flick of the eyes around the room she said, “I’ve come to bring my nephew back to New York with me. Are you aware of that?”

“Seong Joon and I have talked about his plans to return to America after he is sufficiently recovered. However, I’m afraid he hasn’t mentioned your involvement to me at all.”

With a twist of the lips, she said, “So, should I take this to understand, you intend to continue selfishly hanging on to him?”

“Whether Seong Joon wishes to return to New York for work, or if he chooses to stay in Korea I will support whatever he decides. If I will be following him or waiting for his return is something we’ll have to discuss when the time comes.” Hye Jin, so far was managing to keep her voice and gaze steady. Probably in large part due to Ha Ri’s anchoring presence beside her, but she felt ill at ease. So much had happened that night already, she it was like she was taking everything in from somewhere slightly outside and above her own body. That she was too slowly understanding what exactly this woman wanted from her.

“Do think your relationship with my nephew is such that he would discuss such things with you, then?”

“Yes, of course.”

“A romantic relationship?”

“I’m his girlfriend.” Hye Jin said, growing frustrated.

“I won’t dance around the point. Do you intend to break off contact with my nephew on your own, or will you force me to intervene?”

Hye Jin managed to keep Ha Ri still with a gentle pressure of the hand, otherwise she feared her friend would go flying across the room at the other woman. “Who do you think you are—” she began to hiss, but Hye Jin interrupted her quickly.

“With respect to Seung Joon, our relationship is between the two of us. Whether we decide to stay together or to break up is a matter I’ll discuss with him. And frankly, since I have neither heard your name, nor seen your face until tonight, I’m not inclined to do anything just because you tell me to. Based on our interactions so far, I don’t think we have that sort of relationship, do you?”

“He hasn’t mentioned me to you?”

“I was aware that he had family still in America, and I knew he spent a large portion of his childhood with his aunt, but that is all. And as for your coming to Korea, or his returning with you, he hasn’t said a word. Even though we speak every day.”

Ji Hyun Sook laughed shortly, for the first time in their tense exchange breaking direct eye contact, looking down and away. A baleful smile flashing across her lips, she said, “No, I’ll warrant he has not.”

That moment of almost motherly concern didn’t last long. When their eyes met again, the aunt’s gaze was fierce. “I all but raised him, and yet he hasn’t mentioned you to me of his own volition. I would guess he very much wanted to avoid our meeting.”

Ha Ri growled, “I wonder why?”

“Yes, it’s curious, isn’t it?” The aunt riposted. “That the two women in Seong Joon’s life have never come up to each other in conversation. That our paths haven’t crossed. Even though I’ve been in the country almost a month now. It’s almost as though he was trying to hide you from me.”

At first Hye Jin’s indignation had been carrying her through this encounter, but now she felt herself start to falter. Since the slap she had been on the defensive, of herself but also of Seong Joon, but things suddenly started to click into place now.

“You were her,” She inhaled sharply, remembering, “You were the woman’s voice I heard on the phone. It was your car I saw in front of the recovery facility.”

Hyun Sook didn’t confirm it, but her face was triumphant.

“It was clever of you to get your friend to put him in a private treatment program. Out in the country. You didn’t make it easy for me to find you two. But you’ll excuse me if I don’t thank you for putting a band-aid over the stab wound you gave him.”

_My friend? Does she mean Ha Ri? Isn’t Seong Joon’s father paying for his treatment? What is going on here?_

Hye Jin could only stammer, questions tripping over each other on the way out. “The wound I gave him?” was the insufficient interrogative that she finally settled on.

“You are the Kim Hye Jin, correct? My Joonie’s primary school friend? His pen pal?”

Hye Jin only nodded.

“The same Hye Jin who wrote him letters in America every month before abruptly cutting off contact without warning. Crushing him. Abandoning him.”

“I didn’t abandon him. My family’s business went under and we had to move suddenly to Japan. I never intended…”

“Are you going to deny, then, that after he’d finally managed to put away the past and move on, you recommenced correspondence out of the blue and enticed him to come back to Korea. That you struck up a relationship with him against the advisement of his family and his psychiatrist. That you triggered his relapse after he’d spent years in recovery? Are you or or you not the same girl I’ve heard about?” As Hyun Sook had unfolded her whole, sordid accusation her voice rose until it rang shrilly throughout the apartment.

To this Hye Jin could only gape. She could not have been more dazed if the woman had slapped her again.

Ha Ri had taken Hye Jin by the shoulders and turned her to look her in the face. “Hye Jin-ah, are you okay? You’re pale. Can I get you something?”

Hye Jin shook her head, still trying to digest the information she was being given, to reconcile it with the things she already knew, and her friends voice seemed far away.

“I’ll get you some water. Don’t pass out on me.”

A few moment later she felt a cool glass pushed into her hands and she brought it up to her mouth. Sipping the water slowly and looking at nothing until her mind stopped swimming and she could hear again. Ha Ri was telling Ji Hyun Sook to get out of their house, and Hye Jin again put her hand on Ha Ri’s arm.

“No, I’m sorry. I need to hear the rest of this. Ha Ri, would you mind giving us a few moments alone?” Her friend looked reluctant and incredibly concerned but Hye Jin said, “It’s okay. I think maybe I should have this conversation alone after all.”

Ha Ri made to protest, but Hye Jin’s eyes must have looked clear, her expression must have been resolute because Ha Ri finally said, “I’ll be in my room. I’ll hear you if you call me.”

Hye Jin took her time, finished her glass of water, filled it again and took a drink of that before she very calmly, very quietly said, “I didn’t seek Seong Joon out first, and I didn’t contact him. When I got his email, that was the first time I knew he was back in Korea. You should know that. Also, I never supposed there was anything wrong with Seong Joon that wasn’t caused by exhaustion and extreme stress at that magazine. If you want to explain what you mean when you say that I’m…that I’m the problem. I’ll listen. I can’t promise you anything else, but I will listen.”

________________________________________

Ji Hyun Sook would have to admit, if you got a couple drinks in her first, that when she and come to do the door on the day her brother had dropped Seong Joon off at her Long Island home, she had questioned what had gone wrong in her life. Hyun Sook wasn’t good with kids. There was a reason she had never married and had one of her own.

But the consensus in the family was that she, a single career-minded woman, was better suited to look after the boy than the grief-stricken widower, and even Hyun Sook had to admit they might be right when she saw her brother with the boy. Seong Joon’s father looked at him with what could only be described as a mix of disgust and condemnation, when he could bring himself to look at him at all. Hyun Sook was nothing if not a filial daughter, and agreed to let her nephew live with her temporarily while her brother “got his feet under him” at his new company.

Her early impressions of Seong Joon weren’t encouraging. He was a round faced, moist-eyed teenager who hardly spoke and spent his leisure hours with his nose pressed into huge art books he’d brought with him from Korea. He had no English to speak of and he couldn’t make friends. He had taken more after his mother than his father. Hyun Sook had never cared for her late sister-in-law. She didn’t approve of how she’d raised the boy. Overfeeding him, coddling him, and encouraging his eccentric and unsociable tendencies by telling him he was unique and artistic.

Over time, she softened on this. As she got used to having the boy in the house, she realized that he was really very bright. Most of the time he moved around in a listless and mournful manner, but Hyun Sook realized he couldn’t help being that way. She tried not to let it show, but she pitied him. And sometimes, when he was overcome with an infectious enthusiasm about a subject that interested him, she even felt a little fond. Other than painting and design, Seong Joon’s only real passion was letter writing. But even more so, letter receiving. His visits to the mailbox were more frequent than the mail carrier’s, enough that she eventually had a copy of the mailbox key made for him so he wouldn’t pester for hers. She never asked him about his pen pal in Korea, and he never volunteered any details. She only noticed the way he would beam when a letter arrived.

Somewhere along the line, Seong Joon found his way into Hyun Sook’s heart. She began to think of him as her own child, even as she mused aloud about when his father would ask the boy to start living with him again permanently.

There were some things about motherhood, about children with trauma and absentee fathers, that Hyun Sook was ill-prepared to deal with.

Not the first time, not the fourth, not even the dozenth time that Hyun Sook cleared the dinner table and the 15 year old Seong Joon hadn’t finished his rice, had barely touched his meat, did Hyun Sook realize that there was something wrong. It took a long time for her to take her nephews almost stunning transformation as a cause for concern.

At first she had even praised him. It was a sin that she had never fully forgiven herself for to that day. But then, so had everyone. Seong Joon’s father most of all, during his infrequent visits. He took Seong Joon’s sudden loss of appetite as a sign that he was finally recovering from the shock of his mother’s death.

His grades and his English had steadily started to improve. The bullying, that Seong Joon denied but Hyun Sook had always suspected was happening, seemed to have subsided too. People were kinder, as he lost the weight and learned the language. But he never seemed to have any friends around him.

Hyun Sook started to believe things were looking up for them. Maybe she could even convince her brother to take Seong Joon back, for the summers at least. Instead of only seeing him during these cold, insufficient weekend visits.

That was when the first collapse occurred. The first time Hyun Sook realized everything was not what it seemed.

But again, she had been slow to understand. Even when the doctor had told her that he wasn’t consuming enough calories to support healthy growth in a boy his age, that he was suffering from malnutrition and insomnia. She had believed the solution was as simple as serving a double portion at dinner.

She cried when he didn’t eat, so the food began to disappear. Later she realized that it was disappearing into his napkin beneath the table and then into the trash. She cried again.

Seong Joon’s father couldn’t understand. Even less than Hyun Sook. The entire subject only seemed to make him angry. He thought Seong Joon was rebelling. He called him willful, even insolent. Hyun Sook watched her brother rage at his son, and take more and longer trips for work. Weeks would elapse between visits. Seong Joon’s once round cheeks were hollow, his eyes were dull.

He had panic attacks when it rained.

Sometimes Hyun Sook found him standing outside late at night. Standing by the mailbox, he seemed to be sleepwalking. She would stand nearby and watch, afraid of what might happen if she startled him. She heard him murmuring nonsense about puzzles, umbrellas and Renoir.

He collapsed three times in a month and landed himself in the hospital. He had to take time off of school. They gave him a feeding tube. Hyun Sook pleaded with him and cried. Finally, he asked her to bring something to him from home. He said he would eat his dinner if she did. It was a box full of letters and loose puzzle pieces.

Hyun Sook finally asked, “Who is the friend who writes you letters?”

“Her name is Hye Jin. Kim Hye Jin.”

“Tell me how to contact her and when you’re out of the hospital I’ll fly her in from Korea to see you. Would you like that?”

“I don’t know what happened. She suddenly stopped writing and now I don’t know how to find her. I promised I would go back and find her, but she’s disappeared.”

Hyun Sook didn’t understand, but held on tightly to his fleshless hand.

“What do I do, Aunt?” He asked , “Why do the people I love always leave me?”

It was then, without knowing who she was, that middle-aged Ji Hyun Sook began to resent a child named Kim Hye Jin.

Finally, a pediatric physician gave her the card of Dr. Forbes. Hyun Sook didn’t believe in psychologists and was suspicious of therapy, but was desperate enough at that point to try anything. At first Dr. Forbes, with his silver beard and his huge round spectacles, almost scared Hyun Sook right back out the door, but as soon as she sat down in his office and began to describe Seong Joon’s condition, he made her feel at ease.

After receiving treatment from Dr. Forbes regularly, Seong Joon began to improve.

________________________________________

When Hyun Sook had finished telling her about Seong Joon’s adolescent years and eating disorder, Hye Jin didn’t allow herself to cry but she was silent for a time, heart heavy for the young man isolated by language and family and grief, waiting for letters that would never come.

“He’s relapsed several times over the course of the last ten years. Once when his father remarried and it became clear that they would never live together again. Once during college. But he still graduated at the top of his class. My Joonie is very bright. He was living a very successful life. I wanted to believe that he had put away all those ideas about coming back to Korea to find you for good, but it seems I was too optimistic.”

“I really didn’t know.” She said, finally.

Hyun Sook hadn’t precisely softened in the telling, but she was less overtly aggressive in her posture and her tone now. “You didn’t even know this much about him. And yet you chose to date him?”

“I didn’t know he had changed so much. He changed as much as I did. More so.” Hye Jin didn’t say it aloud but she thought, I am the same as him. I was looking at him all along, like we were still the same children we were back then. I couldn’t see that he trying to keep all this from me and handle it by himself. No wonder he got sick.

“You understand now why I had to come to Korea. He wasn’t answering his phone. He wouldn’t respond to letters. I even had to strong arm his doctor into contacting him for me, but even his doctor could get no response. Unfortunately I was too late finding him to avoid…this.” Hye Jin was beginning to see her for the first time as a worried relative. A frightened surrogate mother, and not a vindictive antagonist from a melodrama. Still she rankled at the idea of doing this or that in her relationship on someone else’s bidding, “You understand why you have to stop seeing him?”

“I need to meet him and ask him myself, before I can do anything. I don’t promise to break up with him, but if I have to, I won’t do it in a phone call. I’m going to hear the truth from him and if I have to say goodbye, I will at least say it looking into his face. I will not abandon him again.”

Hyun Sook stood then and gathered up her designer bag, “Fine, let’s go then.”

“Go? What, now?” Hye Jin was startled, but she stood as well. It was already after midnight. “We can’t go tomorrow?”

“I brought my driver with me, he can take us down.”

Hye Jin honestly couldn’t think of a reason not to leave with her. She didn’t think she could have slept after what she’d heard that night, and she didn’t relish the idea of putting off the inevitable confrontation between Seong Joon and herself.

Hesitant she said, “Let me change my clothes first.” She went into her room and slipped out of her work clothes, into something comfortable for a long drive, and tried to wrap her mind around everything that had occurred in a matter of hours.

She looked at her phone and thought briefly of Shin Hyeok and the way they had left things. She almost called him as she remembered it. _I can’t until things are settled between Seong Joon and me._ She thought. _I’m not free until it’s done. And by then…_

Forcibly, she put Shin Hyeok from her mind. She needed to start cleaning up this incredible mess she’d gotten herself into. She needed to give Seong Joon her full attention, right now. He deserved that much from her. It wasn’t fair to worry about herself until after.

When she’d finished dressing, she stepped into Ha Ri’s room and told her where she was going, told her not to worry and that she would call her when she arrived safely. She then followed Seong Joon’s aunt down to her spacious black import, still quietly waiting for them in the alley.

________________________________________

The text from Seong Joon’s aunt read: _We are coming to see you._

Nothing had proceeded or followed. He got it when he was unwillingly awake at 4 AM, and after reading it the slim chance of catching another hour or two of sleep reduced to nil. He wanted to ask her what she’d meant by “we”. Not because he didn’t know, just to have the worst confirmed. To eviscerate the last of his hope. But he was afraid and couldn’t send the question.

He had an armchair situated by the window in his room. In fact, he’d arranged everything as close as possible to the way it had been in his officetel to give the illusion of normalcy, and he sat there watching the morning light change the shape of the garden outside.

He was steadier these days—eating regular meals would do that for you—but he still bounced his legs nervously and turned his phone over and over again in his hands as the hours passed. He watched his aunt’s imposing black car pull past the window to park.

It was about 9 AM. The attending nurse knocked on his door and told him he had visitors, plural. He lied confidently that the knock had woken him and he needed to shower and dress. For his last delay tactic he stood in the shower for a long time, just letting the water run over him. Less panicked than merely blank. An empty feeling pervading everything that went beyond hunger or mere regret.

When he was dressed neatly, he walked out of his room and saw Hye Jin, standing patiently in a puddle of sunlight by herself in the waiting area. That was when the desperate fear of separation he had been hanging on to since the day he’d first gone to meet her—meeting Ha Ri instead—began to unravel and dissipate.

“Why don’t you come inside where we can talk freely?” He began, “Where is my aunt? She came with you.”

“She did. I asked her to give me an hour.”

“Just an hour?”

“She told me…a lot already. But I needed to hear it from you.”

Hye Jin followed Seong Joon into his room. Didn’t pause when he closed the door behind him and drew her to the bed. There were chairs and a couch in his room but she sat down there beside him, and when he took both of her hands she let him hold on to them without resistance.

“Which truth do you want first? Clinical or personal?”

“You choose.”

“Psychologically speaking I am what is referred to as a Pure O obsessive compulsive. Manifesting with a cocktail of other disorders. Generalized anxiety, insomnia. The _anorexia nervosa_ you know about already. If you asked Dr. Benjamin Forbes, he would tell you that I have post traumatic stress disorder from a car accident, more specifically from witnessing the death of my mother in that accident. When I was in the 6th grade it gave me flashbacks, severe panic attacks. In the midst of one of those attacks you found me and you sheltered me from the rain with your coat. In that moment you made me feel safe in a way I hadn’t since her death. At somehow, in that moment, I was so grateful that I latched onto you. You became her, for me. The two of you so hopelessly tangled in my mind and in my heart, that sometimes, even now, I get confused. That’s what Dr. Forbes would tell you. That was what he helped me to believe. It’s the unvarnished, clinical truth.”

“And your personal truth?”

“That I love you. That feeling is genuine. It always was. A trauma worked its way in between. Like a splinter between flesh and fingernails. Like an infection, but my mind. It festered and grew inflamed. A pure and beautiful thing became twisted and painful. But the way I felt about you was real and valid, and stayed the same through all these years. I never lied to you about it.”

“I know. I believe you.”

“You believe me, but I see the way you’re looking at me.”

“That’s because I’m sorry.”

“Don’t feel sorry, please.”

“I’m sorry because you’ve been going through all of this alone. Because it never occurred to me to ask you about your past, and how you lived when we were apart. That I knew so little about you, after all. And also,” she paused and took a deep breath, like she was coming up for air after a long time underwater. “I’m sorry because—”

“We’re breaking up, aren’t we? Because my aunt said we had to.”

“I wouldn’t be doing this if it was just because she asked me to. You know me better than that. But, if she’s right, and us being together isn’t helping but it’s actively making you worse. Then how can we have a relationship under those conditions?”

Seong Joon heard what she was saying, understood it, even on some level agreed with it. Still he argued, “I know it was wrong of me to keep this from you. I was afraid that if you knew, you would misunderstand me. That you wouldn’t trust my feelings. I know…you’re such a good person Hye Jin-ah. If you thought being with me was hurting me, you couldn’t do it. Even if it wasn’t what you wanted, you would have to stay away from me.”

“I’d love to play it like I’m this selfless person you think I am. That I’m being noble and doing this for your own good, but that’s not it either.”

He had thought he would be out of his mind at this point, when he’d played out this scenario in his head those hundred and thousands of times. He’d thought he’d be tearing around the room and throwing things. He’d imagined himself shouting. He wasn’t one to cry, but I had thought at the very least there would be tears streaming from his eyes by now. But Seong Joon hadn’t done any of that, hadn’t wanted to. All he felt was a weight, like a block of ice resting on his heart, and even that was melting away.

“I know. I don’t expect any of that from you. I won’t ask you to wait for me or make any impossible promises, but I still want to come back for you. I’ll do the treatment. I’ll work twice as hard. I’ll get better. And when I do, if I come back to find you and you’re still free, maybe, maybe then…”

Without knowing what he did Seong Joon had pulled Hye Jin into an embrace, like if he didn’t hold her down she would drift away while he watched.

“Seong Joon-ah,” Her voice was gentle, near his ear, “I’m not so good at giving up on things. I held on to that image of you in my mind since we were kids together. You remained that precious person to me. If it was only your trauma. If it was only your family. If all I had to do was wait for you to come back to me, I think…maybe I could do that. I spent long enough alone, I have a lot of practice waiting, but… there is something else you need to know.”

She drew away from him and he looked at her. She looked sorry, even more sorry than he felt. He was surprised. This wasn’t one of the ways he had imagined this scene going. He cradled her chin in his hand and studied her face. “What are you trying to tell me now?”

“I think…without realizing it…maybe even before you found out I was the real Hye Jin. Before I knew the difference between loving the way I imagined it as a child, and the love my heart was naturally drawn to. Back when my heart was empty, drifting. Before I could imagine myself as lovable or desirable I think someone had already captured that heart. And I let them have it without knowing.” Hye Jin has unconsciously pressed her hand to her chest. She turned her body away, shifting out of his grasp and then gently pulling free the hand he was still holding.

“Are we talking about Editor Kim right now? Is it really him?” In answer, Hye Jin only nodded. Seong Joon stood up and moved away from the bed, grimacing and looking toward the ceiling with a powerless laugh. “On some level, I think I already knew, but still it’s strange to hear you say it out loud.”

“Seong Joon, I’m so sorry. I told myself I wasn’t. I tried to stay away from him, but I couldn’t help—”

“It’s kind of a relief actually. I thought I was being rejected because of my mind, or my aunt. But I’m being rejected as a man. Somehow that’s easier to swallow. It’s not that there’s something wrong with me…you’re just in love with someone else.”  
“I don’t know what I can say, except I’m sorry.”

“Don’t say anything. You don’t have to try to explain yourself. You said it happened before you realized it, and I believe you. Maybe I suspected it before you did. Whenever I saw you two together I wondered, ‘What does he do? How does he make her smile like that? Is it only friendship?’ I felt uneasy when I watched you. Were you happy like that when you were with me? Could I make you that way? I didn’t know. I worried. Now I guess I have an answer.” He voice shifted down from incredulity to wistfulness, while his eyes traced images of Shin Hyeok and Hye Jin laughing, playing like children, into the vacant expanse of the wall before him.

He heard Hye Jin’s voice behind him, struggling, “Seong Joon-ah…it wasn’t…when I was with you—”

Seong Joon interrupted her again, “He came here. Earlier in the week. He came to tell me he was leaving. He wanted to give me something.”

“He what?”

“I don’t know if he’s still in the country. If he is, you don’t have much time to catch him and tell him how you feel. There…there are some things you should know about him before you go.”

“I know that’s he’s Ten.”

“He told you?”

“I figured it out for myself. I’m afraid whatever chance I might have had with him…it’s gone now. I missed my timing, I trampled on his feelings. I even told him things would be easier if he just disappeared. I’m not surprised I’m the only one he didn’t bother saying goodbye to.” She sounded bitter.

“You think that’s because he was angry at you?” Seong Joon smiled weakly looking down at his hands. “He’s been a good friend to me, in spite of everything. When he came to say goodbye he wished me a good life. Said he wanted to us to be happy together. It was practically an order. I’ve rarely seen him so serious about anything.” He turned around and faced her again.

Hye Jin didn’t look at him, she only worried fabric of her jacket in her hands, and apologized again. This time she was barely audible.

“When he was here he also asked me to keep another secret for him. I said I would, but you know what? I’m rather sore at him at the moment. I don’t really feel like doing him any favors.”

At this Hye Jin glanced up. Still looking terribly small and remorsefully, but unable to hide her curiosity.

“In the course of trying to keep all these secrets from you, I think I told you my dad was the one paying for all of this?” He motioned to the room itself, “But that would be strange. Since my father doesn’t like to admit that there is anything wrong with me in the first place, and even when he does, he’s rather ashamed of the fact. So, yeah, I lied to you about that. My treatment, this private facility, the quiet way in which Most let me take a leave. All of that was him. He made the arrangements and he paid for everything. What a jerk, right? I wonder who he did all that for.” He finished, smirked at Hye Jin’s stunned expression.

_She’s been through so much, hasn’t she_? He thought, moving back toward her. Lifting her up and looking her in the eye. “I don’t have the right to ask you to wait for me. I won’t even ask if we can stay friends. But when I come back…If I get to the place where I think I can see you again, will you at least meet me?”

She said, “Of course. You’ll know where to find me.”

“Thank you, for letting me say goodbye to you this time. I’m really grateful I got to know you, Hye Jin-ah. I truly love you.”

Seong Joon couldn’t know if she believed him. Now that she knew everything, there was always that anxiety. That question. Did she believe him, really believe him, or did she suspect it was his illness talking? That was the insidious part. Not only did the one he loved, more even than he loved himself, have to doubt his sincerity, but he even doubted himself. It was very lonely.

Someday, he thought, someday I’ll know. And she’ll know too.

Hye Jin then kissed his cheek, and gave him a hug, whispering, “You were my first love. And you will always be my dear friend.”

Through all his doubts, Seong Joon chose to trust her. She walked out of his room, and he watched her meander through the sun-soaked garden and down the alley that ran alongside the house. He stood at his window and watched her, like an animated figure moving through a colorful still life. He watched her recede from the foreground into the backdrop, until she moved out of frame, out of sight.


	11. The Zeigarnik Effect

Hye Jin was about half way up the alley away from the house when she heard a voice behind her and turned. It was Ji Hyung Sook, plodding toward her in her heels, clutching her bag to her chest. In the brilliant light of day Hye Jin found Seong Joon’s aunt a much less imposing figure. Or perhaps she merely felt that she had nothing else to fear from the woman.

“You…You’ve finished?” She began awkwardly, looking around as though she had no notion of where they were supposed to go from there, or that she hadn’t expected things to resolve themselves so easily.

“There wasn’t much left to be said.” Hye Jin replied, sounding detached and distance to her own ears, “You can go in and see him if you like. I’m sure there’s a lot you’ll have to discuss with him.”

“Would you like to…I can have my driver take you back to Seoul.”

“I can find my own way back.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah I’m…I’m tired and hungry. And the air is nice here. I think I’ll rest a bit before I return.”

Hyun Sook nodded slowly at this. What Hye Jin said was true. She was exhausted and the thought of another four hour drive, especially sharing the trip with Seong Joon’s aunt, was unappealing in the extreme. The feeling appeared to be mutual. Hyun Sook said nothing to try to entice her. But as Hye Jin continued walking, she stopped her once more.

“I realize now how hard it must have been for you. I hope you understand why I behaved the way I did. He means a lot to me and…well, thank you.”

There was nothing much else for the two women to say to each other, and Hye Jin imagined that there was very little chance they would see each other again in the future. She struggled with her goodbye, unsure what level of formality to use. Hye Jin settled at dipping her head as she walked passed her in the direction of the street.

She didn’t realize her legs had already decided on a destination until she stepped inside the cool intimate dining room of a noodle shop attended by one bent over grandmother and a twelve year old child who could comfortably pass for boy or girl. One of those half hidden hole-in-the-wall establishments where she’d wanted to take Seong Joon, but now never would.

Aside from herself and the two silent staff, the restaurant was empty. The menu was posted beside the door to the kitchen. She ordered udon and shuffled into a seat facing the wall. Clutching her hands together she noticed that she was shaking visibly and tried to think back to the last time she’d had anything to eat. She couldn’t remember taking a mouthful of anything since lunch the previous day. Her body had been so full of nerves and excess emotion that she hadn’t felt the need. Now savory smells were drifting to her from the kitchen and she suddenly felt ravenously hungry.

While she waited for her food, cogent thought was difficult, but Seong Joon’s parting words rolled around in her head. Particularly what he had said about Shin Hyeok paying for his treatment. I wonder who he did all that for? She exhaled slowly as she thought of it. How he had been looking after her, after all of them, for so long without ever being acknowledged.

With a jolt she remembered. In her exhaustion and hunger she had forgotten the urgent situation she’d left in Seoul: the magazine and Shin Hyeok’s imminent departure. She couldn’t spend the night there and rest. She had to get back to Seoul.

Is it possible that he contacted me?

She scrambled clumsily for her phone with still trembling hands. She had no messages from Shin Hyeok. She did have two missed calls from Ha Ri. Pushing down guilt over ignoring her worried friend, she began to text Shin Hyeok’s number:

_I need to talk to you._  
Urgently.  
You can’t go anywhere without calling me. 

She had sent the three messages in quick succession before she set the phone to one side. The kid had come back with her food. She tapped the screen repeatedly to keep it awake, between noisy swallows of fat noodles and hot broth. Waiting for that tiny read to appear beside her messages.

When she finally came up for air, halfway into her bowl, she paused and picked the phone up. Finger hovering over the call button as she vacillated. She put her phone back down and fought the desire to keep looking at her unread messages. Surely, he couldn’t have left already. Surely not. As Hye Jin hastily finished her noodles, she wracked her brain and tried to remember the state of his suite when she’d seen him the night before. Had she seen packed bags? Any signs that he was going to leave that night or early the next morning?

She couldn’t remember.

She picked up the bowl and swallowed the remaining broth. She could have ordered another portion, but instead overpaid for the meal and rushed back onto the street, heading back in the direction of a bus station she had passed on her way. Her messages were still unread. As she walked she called Shin Hyeok’s number, heart in her throat. The line didn’t ring, she heard an automated female voice telling her the number she was calling was no longer in service. Disbelieving she rechecked the number and called again.

Disconnected.

Desperate and grasping for straws, she called Ha Ri next.

“Hye Jin-ah? I was almost frantic. Are you okay?”

“Ha Ri, I don’t have time. I’ll tell you more later, but I need a favor. I need a huge favor.”

“What is it?”

“Go to the hotel. Go to Shin Hyeok’s room and keep him from going anywhere. Tie him up if you have to. Make him call me. I have to tell him something.”

Ha Ri had questions, Hye Jin could hear it her voice. But all she said was, “I’m going. I’ll call you the moment I know something.”

“Thank you. I’ll be here.”

Hye Jin went into the bus station and marched up to the ticket window. There were two buses that made the daily run to Seoul from that station. As her luck would have it, one had left an hour before, and the next one didn’t run until 5pm. That was almost 6 hours before departure, and then the long ride back to the metropolis through peak traffic hours. _It’s not absolutely necessary that I make it back to Seoul tonight_ , she thought. _As long as I get to talk to him. If I can just tell him that things have changed, then that should be enough._

She didn’t buy the ticket. Instead she found an empty bench outside of the station and sat down to wait for Ha Ri’s call. She was beginning to feel the fatigue in her limbs now that she had a full stomach. As she held her phone in both her hands, her eyes started to close on their own and she began to nod.

Vibrations scared her violently awake when the call finally came.

Drowsily, “Yes, Ha Ri-ah, what happened?”

In the first long intake of breath, Hye Jin knew. Before her friend had said a single word. Ha Ri began, “I went to his room but it was empty. I called in a favor from one of my old bosses. He saw Shin Hyeok very early this morning. He checked out and got into a cab for Incheon. I even tried to calling Most to see if they had any way of getting a hold of him that we’d over look…Hye Jin, I’m so very sorry. I tried everything I could think of. He’s already gone.”

Hye Jin took a long ragged breath. And the silence between them stretched out until Ha Ri had to ask, “Hye Jin-ah, are you there? I’m going to get into my car right now. I’m going to come get you.”

“No.” Hye Jin replied immediately. “No, don’t do that.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I’m going to find my own way back. Actually, I think I’m going to stay here for the night. I want to be by myself for a little bit. And it’s peaceful here.”

Ha Ri seemed uncertain, but she said, “Okay, if that’s what you want I’ll see you when you get back.”

“Could you do one more thing for me? Call Most and tell them I’m not going to be in tomorrow? I just…I need a little bit of time.”

“Of course. I’ll let them know. Hey, wifey…I love you, okay? I’m here for you.”

They ended the call, and Hye Jin went back into the station and bought her ticket for the following morning. Mind hazy, body aching, she used her phone to find the nearest motel. The closest place was a little bed and breakfast back the way she’d come. It was a short walk, but trudging there seemed like a pilgrimage and Hye Jin moved like she had stones strapped to both her feet.

The B&B was quaint and rustic. Under other circumstances Hye Jin would probably have found it charming. It was the sort of place a couple might go for a romantic get away. As it was, Hye Jin could hardly see any of it. She paid for the room, at least twice what she had wanted to spend, and took the room key. The building was older and the rooms had traditional brass keys. She was so abstracted that it took her several attempts to find the keyhole and let herself in. There room was shrouded in gloom. The dimmest tinges of sunlight finding their way through the edges of heavy curtains. Hye Jin leaned back against the door until she heard it latch behind her.

Finally, for the first time since that morning, she had complete privacy. She was totally alone.

She slid down the door onto the floor, tucked her knees up into her chest and dissolved into ugly, wrenching sobs.

A mind overwhelmed will often cling to one or two short, seemingly significant phrases when it pours out its grief. Working those words over and over again, fueling itself with them until it burns itself out. Hye Jin’s own mind did this, catching on to a few choice phrases of self-accusation and despair.

_Everything is ruined._

_Everything is my fault._

_Nothing can be saved. It’s all over now._

Like a mantra she went repeated them, something building within her until a pitiable noise breaking from her mouth accompanied by convulsions starting at the core of her, shaking her frame.

Such an outburst couldn’t last for long. Hye Jin cried herself out in a few minutes, her grief giving in inevitably to an all-pervading exhaustion, the necessity of the body. Merciful sleep overtook her, and she stayed that way until she became stiff from remaining too long on the floor in that posture, and shakily felt her way to the bed, succumbing immediately to sleep as she fell into it.

When Hye Jin woke up, the light in her room had changed. Disoriented in the orange glow of pre-dusk, she groped for the bedside lamp as she fought the grogginess of several hours sleep in the middle of the day. She sat up in bed and looked slowly around her, blinking. Sorrow was still with her, but rest had revived her somewhat. A part of her seemed to have come to terms with her loss somewhere in her dreams. At least, she wasn’t in any danger of crying again immediately.

She started to take in her surroundings casually. The bed she was lying in was spacious, the room was large, sparsely but tastefully decorated. Tears had dried on her face as she slept, making her skin feel tight and uncomfortable. The clothes she’d slept in were wrinkled. The attached bathroom was also generous in size and fully updated. Hye Jin decided to order dinner to her room and take a shower.

She stood under the water until the walls of the bathroom were slick with condensation, and when she stepped out she wrapped herself up in one of the fluffy cotton robes that had been provided.

Her food had been left on a tray in her room. She ate it slowly without relish. Taking her time she began to dry her hair, which was already winding stubbornly into pernicious curls. She realized then that she didn’t have her straightener with her, or any of the expensive products she used to tame her rebellious hair. Her small over-night bag contained a single change of underwear and socks, a comb and a toothbrush.

Hye Jin swiped her palm across the steamy bathroom mirror and confronted her own reflection. The real Hye Jin looked back at her. It was her own viciously curly hair. Her own freckles. Her own blotchy red skin, especially red from the heat of the shower. This had been the face that Shin Hyeok had liked best. Not the naturally dazzling, charismatic golden girl of her childhood. Neither the made-up, dressed-up, Most-like Hye Jin she’d become for Seong Joon. No, it was this face that Shin Hyeok had said was pretty. That same Shin Hyeok who believed the prettiest thing you could be was kind. Her Shin Hyeok, though he was gone now, had loved her just like this.

It hurt. But it hurt preciously. And she let wash over her.

By the time Hye Jin had dressed again, it was dark outside. She moved across the hotel room and pulled back the heavy curtains. Taking the in the view from her room, Hye Jin finally understood why spending a single night there had been so expensive. Behind one of the curtains was a sliding glass door that opened on to a private porch and from the porch you could open a low gate and walk directly out onto an expanse of waterfront. It was the same stretch of beach that was frozen in her recollection. The place where she had realized what she felt for Shin Hyeok wasn’t purely friendship.

This struck her distantly, but it didn’t overwhelm her again.  
When her hair had dried she put on her jacket and went for a walk on the beach. The night air was a little too cold for the coat she’d brought but she hugged herself and walked briskly to warm up.

Because she was alone, and because she had ample time to think, she let herself sink into recollection. Not just because she was feeling sorry for herself, but in some way to admit what she hadn’t been able to before. She permitted herself to remember the night Shin Hyeok had brought her home drunk. Before, she had refused to even admit that she remembered what had happened that night. When Ha Ri had asked about it later she had said she only recalled it as a blur. But that had been the lie she told herself so she could sleep.

She remembered how she had petulantly called him out to get her. Knowing that he wouldn’t refuse. How she had made an exhibition of herself by crying and carrying on. How she had told him to disappear. Then later, the warmth of him as he’d taken her home. Like a child, she had feigned sleep simply to feel the comfort of cling to and being carried by him. When he had thought she was sleeping she had heard, she had heard everything. As across a great distance, and she had been petrified.

She could have said it then, that she had begun to go to him in spite of her best intentions. That she loved him back. Loved him helplessly. But in that moment of cowardice she had squandered another of those irretrievable chances. And now, recollecting it all, it was far too late.

She had heard him confess and had, like a coward, pretended that she did not. Pretended that she didn’t feel it to. Let him walk out of her room, and out of her life, hesitating, wavering, and finally leaving herself without a happy ending. Without any ending at all. Not knowing her own heart had been her ruin.

She shivered, her ears beginning to ache from the cool night air. Hye Jin turned and started walking back.

But, she thought, the surest way to guarantee that all she had learned from Seong Joon and everything Shin Hyeok had done for her ended in futility, was to capitulate to her bitterness and nurse her disappointment. If she liked, she could feel sorry for herself for years to come. She could have no closure from him, no finality, no farewell. It was up to her to say what the ending would look like, and close this chapter of her life. No one else would do it for her.

If there was a conclusion, she decided that she wouldn’t be a coward again. She had learned to speak the language of her own heart, and if one day it spoke to her again, she promised herself that she would listen to it.

To her surprise, after the walk she felt drowsy again and thought perhaps she would be able to go to bed a few more hours and correct her sleep cycle. She took off her single change of clothes, wrapped herself back in the bathrobe as a form of makeshift pajamas and slipped between the covers. She switched off the light, but her eyes stayed open for a long time.

Her thoughts roamed to and fro, her mind too active to find sleep easily.

She thought about timing.

About how meeting the wrong person at the right time was just as dangerous as the alternative.

When Ha Ri had met Seong Joon, she had been the wrong person. But it was the right time.

For Seong Joon and Hye Jin too, the stars and planets had seemed to align. Their reunion had been so serendipitous, so ordained it seemed to be fate. But time had found them out. In the end they had been wrong for one another too, perhaps the worst for one another.

Then there was Shin Hyeok. The right person. The perfect person all along. But Hye Jin had been too blinded by planets and stars and fated first love to see it.

Like a one-way mirror, he had seen her so clearly. But she had only been able to see herself.

And in this sort of melancholy circumspection, half dreaming, Hye Jin spent a restless night.

________________________________________

Ha Ri had just started her third grad school application of the morning, and her eyes were glazing over when her phone buzzed near her hand with an incoming message. The number seemed somehow familiar but she couldn’t place it as she unlocked her phone and read:

_Are you busy right now?_

At first she thought maybe someone had the wrong number and asked:

**Who is this?**

And returned her attention to her application. A few seconds later though:

_You’ve already deleted my number, is see._

She thought it must be one of the many douchebags she’d allowed to take her on one date, and quickly broomed, trying to chat her up. It wouldn’t have been the first time someone she’d thought was interesting after a glass and a half of champagne turned out to be a preening mama’s boy with too much money and no brains. Rolling her eyes she replied:

**I must not have thought it was important to keep.**

A minute later the phone buzzed twice:

_Must not have._

_This is Seong Joon, btw._

When Ha Ri glanced back over at her phone she yelped, color starting to crawl up her neck.

**Oh, Seong Joon-sshi…I thought you were someone else. Sorry.**

In her attempt to take control of her life and get over him, one of the steps Ha Ri had taken was to remove any traces of Seong Joon from her phone. She had deleted a handful of pictures and their old conversations, from when he had called her by Hye Jin’s name. His number had been purged as well, because she was afraid if she kept it she would feel the temptation to text him, late one night when her inhibitions were low.

_It’s okay. I didn’t mean to bother you._

**You’re not bothering me. I’m not busy at all. What’s up?**

_I’m in a bit of a bind, I was wondering if you could do me a favor. My aunt flew out earlier than expected and I don’t have a car right now. I was wondering, if you have time, if you might take me to the airport._

Happy for an easy way to make up for her faux pas, she quickly said she wasn’t busy and she could definitely pick him up. He sent her the address of the hotel where he was staying. She scrambled for her keys and practically flew down the stairs to her own car. It was only after she was half way to her destination that she began to think the request was strange. Sitting in traffic, she wondered aloud, “Couldn’t he have called a cab? Or taken a shuttle?”

He flagged her down as she approached the front of his hotel. And she popped her trunk for him to load his bags, getting out to help.

“It’s okay.” he said without other preliminary greeting, “I’ve got it.”

She watched him load up his luggage with her hands clasped awkwardly behind her. Seeing him again wasn’t as painful as she had thought it would be, but the oddness of being with him and of his entire request was sinking in. The thrilling spike of adrenaline his sudden contact had given her was ebbing.

As she pulled away from the hotel and merged smoothly back into traffic in the direction of Incheon, she said, “So, how are you doing with…everything?”

He shrugged noncommittally and said, “Hye Jin told you a lot, I suppose.”

“Not a lot. Not much at all, actually.”

He didn’t add anything, and she didn’t elaborate on what exactly Hye Jin had told her. She didn’t know what the polite thing to say would be, if it was polite to say anything, so she kept silent. It was a long, largely silent drive to Incheon with Seong Joon mostly dead to the world, reading something on his tablet. She wondered again, _Was I really the only person he could ask? I get it couldn’t have been Hye Jin, but still…_

In her heart, Ha Ri quietly acknowledged she was grateful. Grateful to get to see him one more time before he left, no matter how stilted and unusual it was. He was here with her. And even though he had always been a little perfunctory with social interactions, with everyone but Hye Jin anyway, that he could be civil with her was enough. It was more than enough.

They arrived at the airport and Seong Joon handed her his card to pay the automatic teller at the entrance to the parking garage. Again she got out and offered to help him with his bag. Again he demurred. She started to say an stammering goodbye, when he interrupted her.

Looking down at his watch he said, “To be totally honest, there’s still quite a bit of time before my flight. Maybe it’s rude to ask, but if I could impose on you one more time do you suppose you could keep me company for an hour or so?”

“Uh…sure, I suppose.”

To this response he flashed a bright smile, extending the handle on his rolling suit case and nodding for her to follow him to check-in.

Ha Ri was quiet and flustered as she followed him. _Why is he being so weird_? She wondered. _Is he not as uncomfortable as I am? Is he getting back at me now_? She was somewhat regretting doing him this favor by this point, still reluctant to leave him before she was absolutely forced to. Her discomfort and her linger attachment battling it out inside her while they wandered in and out of several of the duty-free stores without exchanging so much as small talk.

He didn’t seem to want to buy anything, neither did he pick anything up. He seemed to be going through the motions for her, like they were on some kind of horrible set-up date. He was as anxious as she was. So why was she here at all? Why had he asked her to stay with him?

Time passed excruciatingly, until finally he looked at his watch again and said he should probably start making his way toward his gate.

She nodded and said, “It was good seeing you again,” not knowing how much she meant that.

Up to then she realized she had been avoiding meeting his eyes. Ha Ri was generally such a confident person. She knew that most people perceived her as beautiful and she was comfortable with seeing and being seen. She rarely avoided looking someone in the face or felt at a disadvantage. With an effort she raised her chin and found Seong Joon’s eyes.

Unexpectedly, he looked nervous. Not so much like he was uncomfortable with her, but instead like he had something to say but wasn’t sure how to phrase it. Or he like he was trying to gather up courage for something. For a moment it looked like he wasn’t going to say anything, but as she slowly started to turn toward the escalators and the parking garage, he surprised her yet again, “I wanted to thank you for the gift you gave me.”

“Gift? When did I—?” As she formed the question he let go the handle of his carry-on and reached into his coat.

“Technically speaking, it was Editor Kim that gave it to me, but he made sure I knew it was from you.” Ha Ri furrowed her brow, looking at what appeared to be a stack of folded pages in various colors tied together with some twine.

Tilting her head she said, “I still don't—” then it struck her what he was holding, and she almost looked around for somewhere to hide.

It was her letters. Those stupid letters. Those horrifying, mortifying, badly composed exercises in adolescent sentimentality. The one’s she’d given away to Shin Hyeok in an ill-conceived melodramatic gesture. Seong Joon was holding them in his hand, smirking at her expression.

_Shin Hyeok, you’re dead if I ever get my hands on you…_

Seong Joon chuckled, “He wasn’t supposed to give these to me, was he?”

“A-actually, I said I didn’t care what he did with them. I never thought he’d really…I’m so sorry you had to see those. Give them back to me, I’ll burn them.” Her face was so hot. If it was possible die over from embarrassment, she could happily have done so right in the middle of the concourse.

His expression turned suddenly serious, struggling for words he said, “The feelings you wrote down here, they matter. That I got to read them, even if I wasn’t ever supposed to see these…it’s precious.” He cleared his throat, self-conscious, but went on, “And I’m sorry I didn’t hear you out, not really. I was angry that you’d deceived me, I was confused and that made me angry. But I never even gave a thought to why you lied. Why you felt like you had to. And for that I’m sorry.”

The solemnity with which he delivered this apology brought Ha Ri out of her tail spin of embarrassment. She swallowed and said, “I’m still so…so sorry for what I did. If I had to do it over again, I wish I could have introduced myself to you as Min Ha Ri. I wish we could have met like that.” She realized she was echoing sentiments she had expressed in the letters in his hands and stopped, blush deepening.

“Either way, I’m glad I got to meet Min Ha Ri. Even if it was by reading about her.” He had started to put the letters away in his coat again. Up until then she had been holding out her hand to take them, but it was clear that he hadn’t planned on giving them back. She withdrew it now and grabbing her opposite sleeve, looked down.

“If you ever make it back to Korea, look me up.” She said softly.

“I know your address. I was wondering…After I settle back in the States, do you think I could write you now and then?”

She pulled her head up and looked at him wide-eyed, “Sure, I mean, if you wanted to.”

“If I did, would you perhaps write me back?”

Ha Ri’s heart swelled, the unexpected request fulfilling some kind of secret hope she hadn’t realized she had. Biting her lower lip, she could only nod her head that she would.

Then he smiled so brilliantly that she remembered, although she had tried to forget, why she had first been drawn to him. Why she hadn’t been able to help herself even though she new it would hurt. He took his leave and turned to go. She watched him, still stunned, and when he was a dozen yards away he turned around and suddenly waved to her.

“And save my number!” He called back to her across the space.


	12. The Flip of a Coin

Hye Jin had her head down in the sink, rinsing onion stalks and peeling carrots for dinner. She didn’t hear Ha Ri enter over the sound of the running water and her own, off-key, humming.

Ha Ri’s sudden clap on the back made Hye Jin shriek, sending her vertical.

“He’s back!”

Hye Jin rounded on her friend looking hurt.

“Sorry to startle you. I was just excited. I heard someone on campus talking about it and I had to run home to tell you. Read it, Hye Jin-ah. He’s back in Korea. You can see him.”

Hye Jin was quiet for a moment as she read the flier and began to comprehend the reason for Ha Ri’s excitement. The flier was an advertisement from a large trendy bookstore in Gangnam. The header read: _Meet the Author Ten! One Day Engagement Only._

“You know what that means right? If you go, you can see him and even talk to him.”

The event was taking place the following day promoting the release of Ten’s new novel. Hye Jin read the flier over twice, carefully, and then quietly set it down on the counter. “Yeah, I guess I could.” She said, turning back toward her sink full of vegetable and transferring them to the cutting board for chopping.

“What’s wrong? I thought you would be excited, but you seem upset.”

“I’m not upset. I don’t feel anything about it one way or the other.”

Hye Jin could tell Ha Ri was taken aback, maybe even a little disappointed with her non-reaction.

“Look,” Hye Jin said, trying to explain, “He’s back in the country. That’s great and all, but has he called you? Or sent a text?”

“He hasn’t but…”

“I haven’t heard from him either, and that’s fine. I mean, it’s been over a year and he’s under no obligation to contact us, but…it tells me he’s here as Ten. It’s not Shin Hyeok, he’s not here to catch up with friends. Like it says on the flier. One day engagement. He’s probably staying long enough for the signing, and that’s it.”

Ha Ri was forlorn now, leaning against the counter and looking down at her discovery with dissatisfaction, “I suppose.”

She helped Hye Jin finish preparing dinner and they sat down to eat together. Admittedly this had been a rare event the last few months. So much had changed over the past year. Ha Ri had gotten into grad school studying Hospitality, so she kept odd hours and spent most of her evenings at the university library cramming.

Hye Jin, on the other hand, was busier with the magazine than ever before. Since she’d been promoted from intern to permanent employee. Deputy Editor Cha utilized her more as a writer and she regularly contributed her own articles to each new issue. What free time she had, was poured into her own creative projects. Specifically, she had been working on a series of children’s books about underappreciated fairy-tale characters. It had been a project she’d long harbored dreams about but somehow had never started until recently. Some evenings, when she was feeling lonesome, she would sit with Ha Ri at the library and work on her children’s books, her most recent a version of Cinderella focusing on the step-sisters she was calling _Pretty Ugly_.

She was uncharacteristically quiet as she ate, although she half-heartedly tried to make conversation with Ha Ri before her friend gave up on her and turned on _10 Things I Hate About You_ in the background, setting about handwriting a letter to Seong Joon at the coffee table.

Hye Jin watched her for a time, how an unconscious smile would occasionally steal over her friend’s face as she worked. Hye Jin knew she envied that. Not that she begrudged her Seong Joon. From Hye Jin’s perspective, Ha Ri had suffered a lot to earn Seong Joon’s attention and she was glad that her childhood friends had found some kind of support and stability in one another even over an ocean. What she envied was that expression of contentment, of having someone to think about, someone you knew was thinking about you.

Hye Jin found herself sighing wistfully, leaning her chin on her hand. Catching herself she stood up quickly and started to clear her place. _Don’t let it bother you_ , Hye Jin. _If he wanted to see you, your number hasn’t changed. He knows where you live._

But as she rinsed her dishes and started getting ready for bed she found herself trailing back into the kitchen to retrieve the flier. She took it to bed with her and looked it over again. At the center of the advert, framed in short, glowing reviews for his previous works, was the portrait she knew from inner cover of Ten’s novels.

Shortly after his identity was revealed, all of his novels had new runs, capitalizing on the sensational reveal of Ten’s identity, and of course his physical appearance. She looked at the portrait, as she had many times before, and tried to see past Ten into the heart of her friend. As always, she had trouble at first. He seemed to have some kind of shield up, protecting the real him behind a name, a profession, an image. But there was still something around the eyes, a secret laughter. A glimmer of Shin Hyeok that danced behind that carefully manicured image, even in a still photograph.

She heard his voice clearly, after all the lost time, on the day when she had last seen him. _Ten is me and Shin Hyeok is me. Everybody shows different sides of themselves to different people. But all of those sides are still me._ She still wondered at that. That such contradictory selves could honestly coexist inside a single person. That all the time she had known Shin Hyeok as her idiot reported, he had been holding Ten inside. And now inside of Ten, the public persona, Shin Hyeok was still there. And perhaps even deeper another face that no one had seen before. Personalities, layer and varied, regressing and compounding like a Russian nesting doll. A person both singular and plural. Someone she had known, but had still yet to meet.

Hye Jin tossed and turned, alternately dozing and dreaming, in that fretful half-waking way that scares away rest. Finally, right before dawn, she sat stock upright in her bed, one prevailing thought ringing out in the bleak stillness of early morning.

_If you don’t go, you’ll never know. If you don’t, you’ll wonder forever how it would have been._

________________________________________

Hye Jin thought she had given herself plenty of time to queue up for the signing outside bookstore. It turned out she had vastly underestimated the number of people such an event would draw. She had known, on a logical level, that he was famous. After the “reveal” issue of the magazine had published his name and face, sales had spiked. The phones had rung off the hook for days asking if they knew where he was, asking what it had been like to work him. Fan mail had started pouring in. But the concept that Shin Hyeok was a celebrity had somehow never really solidified.

Now it struck her for the first time, as she stood in the line that continued to grow until the back of it disappeared out of sight around the block behind her. She doubted whether she would have the chance to see him at all. Clutching her copy of _Memory_ to her chest she waited as the hours passed. After the first hour she tried to read to pass the time, but her mind was racing and she kept conjuring up imaginary versions of the conversation they would have. _What will he say when he sees me_? She wondered, _what does he think about me now? Does he still…like me?_

She quickly side stepped that line of thought, and tried to press down her expectations, but the longer she waited the more anxious she became, the more excited.

Finally, half past 8, she started to see her section of her line move visibly. Before she knew it she was stepping through the big double doors of the bookstore. Up the stairs to the landing where tables of Ten’s new book were displayed and finally passing among the shelves until she could see flash photography popping over her head and the din of babbling voices became a constant senseless drone occasionally punctuated with a peal of laughter or a shriek of fanatic glee.

She was pushed along, past a row of reporters, video cameras a large news outlet had set to take in the scene. Then she was standing near the long table where Ten himself was sitting. The press of people was so close that she couldn’t see him clearly, until she was almost at the front of the line.

From the angle where she was standing his profile was unfamiliar. Neatly dressed in a well-cut checked suit, starched collar. Hair combed slickly back. Clean shaven.

His head was down, as he wrote in the cover of a book belonging to the man two people ahead of her. Then the woman directly ahead of her. He looked so professional, shining, alien. Like something fine, kept behind protective glass. And she couldn’t imagine how she had thought she knew him and could expect something from him. Now it was her turn and her mind was blank. He held out his hand for the book. He was looking over his should laughing at something someone in the retinue behind him had said.

As he took _Memory_ out of her hand he asked, still without looking up, “Is this going to be for you or a friend?” Flipping open the cover of her annotated and dog-eared copy and poising his pen to write.

“It’s for me.”

At the sound of her voice he froze, and at last he looked up at her. She saw his eyes widen a fraction. He opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again almost immediately and looked back down. “Who should I make this out to?”

To this unprecedented question all she could stammer was, “Hye Jin. Kim Hye Jin.”

He bent over the book and vocalized as he wrote, “Kim…Hye…Jin…” finishing with a flourish he closed the cover and held the book back out to her. When he met her gaze again that light of recognition was gone. His eyes were as cold and unfeeling as stones. He said, “Thank you for coming.”

Hye Jin wanted to say something, wanted to reach across the table and grab hold of the front of his expensive custom shirt. But she had been utterly dismissed. He was wasn’t even looking at her, he was looking through, past her. Like she was anybody. Like she was nobody.

She was already being shuffled away from the table, the next faceless fan taking her place breathlessly offering their book for him to sign. As she was shoved back into the crowd and out of his line of sight she kept her eyes on him until the last moment, but he didn’t even glance back.

________________________________________

Ha Ri was at her campus studying, not far from where Hye Jin was, and she went there directly from the bookstore. She found Ha Ri at her favorite table, deep in the heart of the library, and without preamble dropped into the chair across from her and laid her head on one outstretched arm, staring at the wall.

“What’s wrong? Was it that bad?”

“Mhmm.” Hye Jin groaned.

“Was he upset that you came? Embarrassed?”

“If only. If only he had been mad or made a scene…that would have been something.”

Hye Jin was still holding _Memory_ in one hand and her fingers trembled as she tightened her grip on the spine, trying to swallow her sense of humiliation.

“Then what happened?”

“Nothing. He…he asked me for my name. He signed my book. Completely iced me out.”

“He pretended he didn’t know you?” Ha Ri’s indignant voice filled that hushed region of the stacks. “What the hell? Does he think now he’s a big shot writer he doesn’t need his old friends anymore?” Hye Jin kept her head down, miserable.

She felt Ha Ri pull the book out of her grip, still cursing in disbelief under her breath.

“Wait…what is this?” Hye Jin heard her say. “Hye Jin-ah, did you look at this?”

She lifted her head and saw that Ha Ri had opened it to the title page and was looking at it with curiosity. “What does it mean?” She said, turning the book so Hye Jin could see the inscription:

_I can explain tomorrow._  
Your place.  
10 am. 

________________________________________

Ha Ri wrapped her studying for the day early and Hye Jin took her home. They speculated about the covert message Shin Hyeok had written and how he would explain himself, whether he really intended to show up on their doorstep the following day. Ha Ri did the lion’s share of the talking since Hye Jin’s responses were largely limited to “I guess so”, “maybe” and mumbled affirmations. Ha Ri was riding high on the anticipation of his visit. Hye Jin tried to hide it, so not to ruin Ha Ri’s good mood, but she felt anxious.

For dinner they ordered greasy delivery food and put on reality television, but Hye Jin didn’t eat much and couldn’t pay attention to the program. Ha Ri seemed to pick up on to her anxiety and asked her if she wanted to sleep in her room. Hye Jin accepted the offer. They stayed up late into the night talking, but not about Shin Hyeok. Ha Ri mercifully changed the subject and they talked about any number of things. Ha Ri’s career prospects, Hye Jin’s book ideas, even Seong Joon. (He was doing well, back at work at the NY branch of the magazine and some early noises had been made between him and Ha Ri about flying out to see him during winter break.)

Ha Ri started to fall asleep first, but Hye Jin was awake for at least another hour after her friend, wrapped up in her worries. The last thought she remembered crossing through her mind was to wonder Shin Hyeok would have nothing to say to each other anymore. She didn’t dream.

The next time she knew anything sunlight had filled up the bedroom. Oh, she thought, rubbing her eyes with the heels of her hands, I never set my alarm last night. She was alone in the center of Ha Ri’s bed. She began stretching dramatically and slowly sat up, trying to remember where she had put her phone when she realized the noise she was hearing from the hallway wasn’t from the television.

Jumping up, she sprang to Ha Ri’s door and cracked it several inches. She was struck by the smell of freshly brewed coffee. A moment later she made out the rhythm of a male voice mingling with the trill of Ha Ri’s laughter.

_He’s already here! What time is it? How could I oversleep? How could Ha Ri not wake me?_

Ducking into her room she tried to change quickly and soundlessly. Throwing together two outfits that clashed horribly before settling on a nice pair of jeans and a pastel sweatshirt. She dashed back across the hall into the bathroom and immediately splashed cold water on her face. She started clicking her teeth, a tick she had been getting under control as of late, and let panic overwhelm her for a solid minute and half. She fiddled with but failed to successfully use various beauty implements: her makeup bag, her straightener, a bottle of leave-in conditioner to tame her curls. In her mind she was wondering if there was a way she could beg off and say she was sick, or climb out the window like an amateur cat burglar. Finally she grabbed hold of the edge of the sink and steadied herself.

Taking several deep breaths she looked hard into the mirror. _What are you doing right now, Hye Jin? Why are you hiding? He’s already seen you. He already knows you. You have played the long, exhausting game before. You’ve had enough of being overawed and feeling pathetic._ She took in her own curly hair, her own rosy cheeks, her own bursts of sesame seed freckles across her cheekbones. In that mirror was someone she liked. Someone she found beautiful. _If he feels embarrassed of you, if he doesn’t like you anymore then that’s his problem._

She brushed on a light dusting of powder foundation, a dab of lip gloss for color. Nothing out of the ordinary. She put away her straightener. She never bothered with the thing except for work events anyway. She combed a little mousse through her hair and let it fall around her face naturally. She walked back into her bedroom, no longer trying to conceal her movements through the apartment. Pulling open her closet she looked down at her shoe collection, which was still conservative but no longer ascetical, and deliberately drew out her lovely fuchsia trainers. The pair of shoes that Shin Hyeok had once given her. Though the shoes were more than a year old, they were in extremely fine shape, since Hye Jin had rarely worn them. Then, squaring her shoulders, she walked back into the hall.

The man standing in the kitchen with Ha Ri, laughing over his cup of coffee, was not the stylish, unattainably distant novelist she’s seen the day before, international icon of fashion and popular fiction with thousands of enthusiastic fans.

The person she saw now was relaxed and familiar. He was leaning against the counter, in a pair of holey jeans, stylishly tight through the legs. A worn-in leather jacket over a t-shirt for an American band Hye Jin had never heard of. On his head he had a bright red stalking cap, and although he wasn’t as scruffy as she was used to seeing, he showed signs of not shaving that morning, a slight gleam of stubble on his chin. It was Shin Hyeok. Genuine and unmistakable.

The sight of him there affected her like it hadn’t the day before. She felt warm. He spotted her and a smile spread over his features. Her heart fluttered.

“So here you are.” Ha Ri, said teasing.

Shin Hyeok looked down at his watch and said, “We were very nearly making bets on whether you’d be joining us today.”

“Sorry, I don’t usually sleep in like that. I thought someone would wake me up.” She gave Ha Ri a chiding glance.

“You must have needed the sleep.” Ha Ri said, still beaming.

Hye Jin moved to the coffeemaker and poured herself a cup. She glanced several more times in Shin Hyeok’s direction, trying to be subtle, nervous again but now for a different reasons. “Were you two making plans?” She asked, looking to Ha Ri for protection.

“Oh no, I slacked off last night and I have to study for midterms. You two are on your own today.”

“Yeah,” Shin Hyeok said, grinning wolfishly, “It’s just you and me. But don’t worry, I have a couple ideas.”

Hye Jin’s eyes were wide as she watched her friend gather her book bag and head for the door with a look that said, Help. If you love me you won’t leave me alone with him. But Ha Ri smiled and waggled her fingers at her, saying “Have fun.” on her way out the door.

“I really hope you don’t mind.” Shin Hyeok said, after several seconds of silence during which Hye Jin sipped her coffee in what she hoped was a nonchalant manner. “I’m flying out really early tomorrow morning, but if you’ll give me the afternoon I really wanted to catch up with you.”

_So it really is a one day engagement_. “Well, I wanted to catch up with you too.”

Hye Jin rinsed out her cup and put it in the dish drainer, wondering if it was just the first effects of the caffeine that were making her feel jittery.

“You were really distressed yesterday. When I didn’t talk to you at the signing. Ha Ri told me.”

“Don’t think of it. I was just surprised.”

“No, I regretted the way I handled it immediately. I should have acknowledged you then and there, regardless of the circumstances. But I was…surprised to see you and then I didn’t want you mobbed or questioned by all those fans and reporters. I knew you must have worried, and felt bad because of it. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

She grabbed her purse and they went downstairs and outside. In the alley she looked around for his cherry red sports car but it wasn’t there.

“Oh, I sold that.” he said, motioning for her to follow him around to the front of the building. Parked there was a black and chrome motorcycle. He walked up to it and handed her an extra helmet. “Shall we?”

“I thought you’d given up motorcycles.”

“I have, for the most part. But I thought it would be nostalgic. Besides, if you’re riding behind me I won’t have any reason to speed around recklessly.”

She remembered when he’d wrecked his bike rushing to make sure she didn’t have a car accident. And then how, shortly after, he had left the hospital to come and pick her up from the bus terminal. She hadn’t even realized what he’d gone through until afterward. That seemed to be a theme of their relationship. Although the memory still gave her a small pang of guilt, the thought also made her feel happy. She took the helmet and climbed onto the bike behind him.

“So where are we going?” She asked, tentatively taking hold of the back of his jacket.

“I’ll figure that out on the way.”

“You said you had plans.”

“My plan was to spend the day with you. Everything else is just icing. Here.” He took her arms and wrapped them around his waist. “For safety.” He said, then sending the motor roaring to life. As he brought the bike up to speed she was glad that he couldn’t see her face redden, or the smile she couldn’t seem to suppress.

________________________________________

For the next several hours he took her riding around the city, casually showing off his familiarity with a dozen out of the way burrows and idyllic back roads Hye Jin had never seen. Stopping now and then he would show her a hidden park, an intriguing tile-roofed house, or introduce her to a fascinating old street vendor. Then they found at _pojangmacha_ and had a standing meal of _tteokbokki_ and skewered fish-cakes.

As Hye Jin’s comfort increased, he began to open up slowly about what he’d been doing for the last year. Mostly it consisted of writing, attending pressers, and spending some long overdue time with his family in the US. His manner was light and easy, his mood talkative. Hye Jin would even have said attentive.

Before she knew it, she was behaving like no time had passed between them, like they had never been apart.

_Could you could consider this a…date_? With her cheek pressed to his back, as they picked up speed on the freeway, she let herself wonder this, seriously.

In some ways, it would have been easy to interpret his kindness as interest. The physical closeness of riding on the back of the motorcycle, for instance, created an intimacy that Shin Hyeok could have avoided if he’d so desired. Bent then, he’d always been so casual about touch. Hye Jin was recalled to the day when Shin Hyeok had come to cheer her up after she’d been fired. Making her his “assistant” and taking her around much in the way he was doing today. At that time she hadn’t known he liked her, but in retrospect it appeared like a romantic gesture she hadn’t then been able to appreciate.

But there was something absent from their interactions that wouldn’t let her place his attention now in a romantic light. He didn’t allude to the way they had parted, or the reason for it. He didn’t mention Seong Joon or ask if she was seeing anyone. Any reminiscence he indulged in was always of the two of them as work mates or friends. His many confessions, that impulsive kiss…it seemed like he wanted to pretend they’d never happened. Hye Jin followed his lead. Surely if he still liked her he would have given her a hint by now. He would have said something.

Finally, their leisurely exploration of the city led them to an amusement park. Shin Hyeok donned a pair of dark sunglasses and Hye Jin realized that his clothes weren’t simply a throwback to the previous year. They were a sort of camouflage.

“I’m incognito, after all. You don’t mind, do you? If I go around as Ten, we’ll be bothered and photographed all day. It could be bothersome for you later on.”

“I don’t mind. I’d prefer to have Shin Hyeok over Ten.” _If I can only have one or the other_ , she thought.

“Then you’ve got him.” He offered her his arm, “Shall we renew our _orabeoni-dongsaeng_ relationship just for the day?”

_He’s telling me he wants to go back to the way things were. He just wants to be friends._

“ _Orabeoni_ , what do you want to ride first?” She asked, plastering on a smile over her disappointment.

“You choose, Jackson.”

Hearing that nickname for the first time in over a year, Hye Jin felt her heart swell. Even if there was nothing beyond that, to hear him call her back that name again was something she hadn’t expected.

________________________________________

Standing in line for a thrill ride, she caught him up about everyone at Most and what they were up to. She told him about what an excellent leader Deputy Editor Cha made, and how she kept Ra Ra, who was crazy as ever, in check but still knew how to use her talents. Han Seol and Jun Woo were going to get married next year.

“Do you remember that time…?” She was starting to say when a man ahead of them turned and began asking loudly, “Hey, don’t I recognize you from somewhere?”

Without losing a beat, Shin Hyeok pushed his sunglasses to the end of his nose and looked the man over. “I don’t think we’ve met before. I have a good head for faces.”

But the man’s girlfriend was joining in, “Aren’t you that poet or whatever? Seven?”

“The name’s Ten. Ten. That’s you, isn’t it?"

Thinking fast, Shin Hyeok turned to Hye Jin, slapping his knee theatrically, “See, now you owe me a drink. He thinks I’m that genius writer with the devilishly good looks. Didn’t I tell you I looked like a celebrity?”

Glancing around, Hye Jin saw that they were drawing attention from others in the line now. Cellphones were coming out. Just as loudly she said, “Ha! That’s rich. You a famous writer? You can barely string two sentences together.”

“But my looks are first rate, honey. People mistake me all the time because I look as good in person as he does in those giant, airbrushed posters they have around.”

Hye Jin snorted, crossing her arms, “Do I need to buy you a mirror? Don’t be so smug, dear, the only reason anyone would make that mistake is because those glasses cover half your face.”

Then they both laughed raucously. The couple that had spotted him seemed to be buying it, and the others around them were quickly losing interest in the fake celebrity sighting. It wasn’t like he was even a pop idol or an actor, anyway, just some writer.

Later, after the ride, they bought some shaved ice and found a place to stand out of the afternoon sunlight. Beneath the picnic shelter, propping himself again a steal support pillar with one arm, Shin Hyeok gave her a salty look and said, “You were pretty committed to your role, back there. One would think you were looking for an opportunity to take me down a peg or two.”

“I got caught off guard and I was trying to be convincing.”

“You were getting back at me for yesterday, weren’t you?”

Looking down into her snow cone, Hye Jin said, in a serious tone, “How are you adjusting to it? You know…that kind of thing. Being recognized everywhere you go. Being Ten. Are you happy?”

“Life is life. This is just one way to live it. I used to think I would hate that sort of thing, but it’s really not so different then it was before. Fame has some unique downsides, but there are perks as well.”

“So you don’t regret it?”

“I think it’s a waste of time, going around regretting things. Distracts you from doing better the next time. Wherever you find yourself, whatever chance you’re presented with, you just have to dive in and give it your all. I am learning a few things though. Getting out of that bad habit of messing around with other people’s lives.”

“It’s not all bad though. Some really good things have come out of your interfering, you know.”

“Yeah? Like what?”

“Well…Ha Ri and Seong Joon for one. If you hadn’t gone rogue and given him those letters she wrote, who knows what would have happened with those two.”

“She’s such a strong person. I really admire her. I don’t think I could do what she’s doing with her relationship, though.” He had known. About Ha Ri and Seong Joon, and by extension what had happened between Seong Joon and herself. He had known that they had broken up and had chosen not to say anything about it.

Ignoring the sting she asked, “You mean the long distance?”

“Yeah, I mean, I’ve had reason to think about it more than most in the last year. I travel a lot. My schedule is busy, and when I’m not traveling, interviewing, doing some fan event Marcus talked me into, I cloister myself away to write. Even if I was, you know, crazy about someone I don’t think I could do that. Burden someone with this life of mine.”

What Hye Jin said next was quiet, but Shin Hyeok was standing very near and she knew he heard her, “If it was the right person though, they wouldn’t think of it as a burden.” They exchanged a look, and Shin Hyeok seemed like he wanted to say something. Hye Jin wondered then if he wasn’t back there with her, in the gazebo off the beach with the rain beating down all around them, sun cutting between the clouds like a knife.

But he didn’t say anything, and in the end they watched the moment pass by.

“It’s getting rather crowded.” Shin Hyeok said at last, throwing away the paper remains of their snow cones, “You ready to get out of here?”

________________________________________

He didn’t take her home immediately. They walked around her neighborhood for a while, but conversation had slowly trickled to a halt and the tone of the evening had changed after the amusement park, from that easy camaraderie to something more mournful. They were both anticipating goodbye.

It was after dark when they made it back to the alley below her apartment Hye Jin asked, “When do you think you’ll be back in Korea?”

“I don’t know. Marcus said he was going to arrange some more signings. I’ve been invited onto some radio programs and things. I’ll probably be in and out of Korea over the next month or two but…”  
“I’m sure you’ll be busy.”

“I threw away my old phone, but I gave Ha Ri my new number.”

“I’ll text you. Let’s be better about keeping in touch, okay?”

“For sure.” He then seemed like he would at least hug her goodbye, but to her surprise, he instead held out his hand for an almost unbearable handshake. “Well, see you around.” He said, not meeting her eye.

“Yeah, see ya.”

With that he turned and walked up the alley and around the corner.

Hye Jin stiffly began to make her way back upstairs. _What was that_? She wondered. _Was that it_? With each step her stomach seemed to sink a little lower. _I guess it’s over now. If he just wants to be friends then I’ll just…I’ll just have to…_

Closing her fist around the handle of her front door Hye Jin froze. Realizing that she had reached a crossroads. Whatever decision she made at this moment she couldn’t take back. But standing on the landing outside her apartment, she had clarity. She couldn’t just leave things like this. She couldn’t be satisfied with friendship. She needed to know, without a doubt, that there was nothing more there. She needed it confirmed from his own lips.

She flew, almost falling on her face, back downstairs and outside. Wheeling out into the alley and around the corner, past the cafe and toward the side road where Shin Hyeok had parked his motorcycle. She spun around the corner, praying, _Please still be there. Please._

And there he was. Standing with his back to her under the yellow of the street lights. Motionless, leaning heavily with his shoulder against the wall like a weight was pinning him there. She stopped in her tracks, trying to understand what this posture meant. She watched his shoulders shudder with an impossible sigh. Then he seemed to get a hold himself, straightening up and moving toward his bike, reaching into his pocket for his keys.

Panicking, Hye Jin ran forward, grabbing the back of his jacket to hold him back.

“Wait!” She said, panting, trying to catch her breath, “Just wait. Just give me a chance to think.”

He turned his head, crooking one eyebrow at her and then glancing at grip she had on him. Embarrassed by her outburst she let go, taking half a step back and clasping her hands behind her.

“Sorry. I don’t…I don’t know what I’m going to say. I don’t know what there is to say.” She looked around at the asphalt and the stripe of black sky above them for words of explanation. She looked at everything but him, struggling, “Maybe it won’t fix anything, but I feel like I can’t let you leave yet.”

She gathered her courage then and looked him in the face. He was the serious Shin Hyeok, brows knit, eyes soft. He was going to say something she didn’t want to hear. He was going to tell her that he didn’t feel the way he had when they’d last met. That he’d hoped they could leave that behind them and simply be friends. She could guess it all before he said a word, “Hye Jin-ah. While I was away, I thought a lot about us and I just don’t–”

“Do you have 100 won?” She nearly shouted it, cutting him off.

“What?”

“A 100 won coin, do you have one?”

“I—uh, I think so.” With a confused look on his face he searched his pockets and came up with the coin, putting it in her outstretched hand.

“How bout we flip for it?” she said, taking it between thumb and forefinger and holding it out, “If it’s heads, you say what you were going to say. I’ll listen. I’ll let you leave, and we’ll never wonder again, what this might have been. We’ll live out the rest of our lives as friends. But if it’s tails…” She had to pause and take her breath, in her desperation she hadn’t really thought through what she was going to say. “Then you stay with me and explain to me why I’m happy when I’m with you, and why I miss you when you’re gone.”

Without waiting for his go ahead, she tossed the coin. Both of them followed its glinting arc. To Hye Jin, the coin seemed to take an eternity to reach its zenith and begin to tumble back down toward her. She snatched it out of the air and held her fist out between them, hardly daring to breathe as she slowly uncurled her fingers.

In the center of her palm, the face of the general stared up at them with grim determination. Hye Jin looked to Shin Hyeok, who glanced from her, down at the coin, and back to her.

“Look,” Hye Jin said, her voice small and tremulous, she searched his eyes to see if he would understand, “it’s tails.”

Shin Hyeok’s reply was deliberate and immediate.

He closed the space between them, reaching out to pull her into his arms. Taking her by the shoulders, he nearly lifted her off of her feet, swinging her around and pressing her against the wall, fingers tangling in her curls as his lips found hers in a long, fervent kiss that removed every doubt, every thought from her mind.

________________________________________

They got lost in the breathless, wordless minutes that followed. Hye Jin closed her hand around the 100 won coin so tightly that when she finally let go, it had left an impression on the skin. She and Shin Hyeok parted and still couldn’t quite find words to fill with their emotions at that moment. They could only look at each other and laugh, and then look away. Somehow shy, but too elated to let it stop them from hanging on to one another’s hands.

Dazed with happiness and unsure of their direction Hye Jin led Shin Hyeok upstairs and entered the apartment silently, unsure if Ha Ri was home yet and afraid of spoiling their solitude together.

Without discussion, they went to Hye Jin’s room and found themselves lying on top of the bedspread, fully clothed, hanging on to one another like the last solid place in an earthquake.

Hye Jin’s breathing was jagged and she felt herself trembling, with joy and with fear.

Shin Hyeok pressed a kiss onto her forehead and said, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. I’m amazing.” She replied, but her voice shook and he shifted one hand to cradle her chin.

Their eyes began adjusting to the darkness and they were staring at each other.

“Don’t you dare cry.” He said, “If you even think about crying I’ll have to get mad and give you something better to do.”

And to demonstrate he began to kiss her, gently, persistently, until her jagged breathes deepened, grew even and her skin felt hot.

Before she lost her composure completely, he stopped and warped his arms more tightly around her shoulders, tucking her head under his chin.

“I didn’t hope that I might hold you like this.” His whispered, “I couldn’t let myself.”

“Shin Hyeok I…ever since you left I was…you–” she couldn’t find the place to begin and laughed helplessly, “God, we’re not even dating, I should probably be careful what I say.”

“You think you’re going to get out of dating me after all that? Are you crazy? You’re stuck with me hanging around, probably for the rest of your life. Is there something more extreme I can do to you than marriage? What’s the opposite of a restraining order?”  
“I don’t know. We can look into it.”

“Whatever it is, it’s happening. Not dating me…you think you can get out of that, get out of these arms first.” He said, squeezing her more tightly.

She laughed silently, but didn’t attempt to struggle, “All I was going up say was…I’ve loved you for so long. Did you know that?”

“I do now.”

“I’m grateful.”

“For what?”

“You coming back. You showing up today. Taking a risk on me. And also…”

“Yeah?”

Hye Jin felt she really would start to cry, and stopped, not sure if she could take more of Shin Hyeok’s particular brand of scolding at that moment.

Her heart was too full.

That everything was happening at once seemed too good to be real. And also the overwhelming warmth, the need to kiss and be kissed, to say all the things that had gone a year or more without being said, the fear that if she did any of it, the whole beautiful scene would dissipate like the dream it was. How could she begin to take it all in? Instead she chose to be still and quiet and ease into her own happiness. To slowly grow accustomed to believing he was real.

“What are we going to do about my flight?” He asked, after an hour or more had passed in that way.

“You’ll have to go.”

“I will, won’t I?”

“I’ll be here when you get back.”

“I’m staying right here until I have to go to the airport. I will not be moved. God, Hye Jin, I’m sorry. Saddling you with my obnoxious notoriety, my hellish schedule, the book tours…” He groaned, “I’m going to be gone a lot, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”  
“We’ll figure it out. There’s nothing we can’t figure out.”

“I know. Hey, Jackson?”

“Yes?”

“I love you. I’m sorry I kept you waiting. I’m sorry for running away like an idiot."

“I don’t care that you’re an idiot. As long as you’re my idiot. Oh, and Shin Hyeok-ah…back there, when I almost let you walk away again but found you there, wavering. That’s something I need to thank you for too.”

“What is?”

“Thank you…for hesitating.”

~THE END~


End file.
